A most frustrating dilemma we all encounter is that of dealing with people who mistreat us. Ranging from the snide remarks, disrespect, inconsideration, or opposition you may face from family to the outright offenses of others that may include aggression, cheating, betrayal, and various forms of insult or sabotage, life unfortunately includes unpleasant treatment and downright meanness.
You are no stranger to being treated inappropriately or unfairly. Perhaps you are entwined in a relationship that challenges your desire and commitment to be kind, tolerant, abiding, and understanding. You are likely familiar with your own tendency to defend, justify, overreact, and make the other party wrong (either inside yourself, in overt response, or both).
If you find justification in retaliation for mistreatment, you are in good company: our culture validates and supports retribution and aggression in response to affronts. (After all, how dare they do that! They need to be put in their place.) However, if you aspire to the high road—the path of tenderness, love, forbearance, and forgiveness—then, you must confront the enigma of how to love someone who spits in your face.
The metaphor of “someone spitting in your face” is broader than aggressive defiance and antipathy. It’s inclusive of rejection, isolation, and other forms of diminution and dismissal. Let’s be honest: there are many passive and subtle ways that people can dismiss or wrong you. Life intermixes indifferent slights with disrespect, abuse, scoffing, aggression, and many ways in which people are inhumane to each other.
Here are some strategies to assist you in this difficult endeavor:
The first critical step when someone affronts you is to not overreact, nor react impulsively. It’s tempting and natural to correct, defend yourself, and express your indignation. However, this is the trap of “eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.”
It’s more productive to rehearse and practice calming and soothing yourself. This is a survival habit, both neurologically and socially. It’s also a challenge for the multitudes. Among the many paths toward this end, I’ve been training and teaching people for decades to develop a calm brain and controlled demeanor. I’ve also written extensively about these techniques and their role in self-soothing. Perhaps you have already invested in developing your own methods for inner calmness and self-control. Don’t discount professional help to avail yourself of this vital set of self-composure and brain skills. You can also refer to my books and articles for explanations and self-help techniques.
When someone crosses you, it’s important to remember that continued conflict involves the pestering re-stimulation of traumas (the negative emotional responses) and grievances (what the other person did to damage your integrity or wholeness—the merit of your case). To learn more about these underlying dynamics and how to deal with them, read my article, Traumas and Grievances in Relationships.
https://marksteinberg.com/webpages/writings/Traumas_and_Grievances.jsp
Don’t bear the burden of your own limitations. Life is too complex and overwhelming for any of us to go it alone. Give your despair and frustration over to God. Confess your inadequacy and ask for his help in responding and growing in a godly manner.
Conflict, pride, and embattlement are as much spiritual matters as they are emotional and material ones. It’s an instinctual human need and temptation to persistently want to be “right” and to fight for security. God knows this—he made us this way. He wants us to reach out to him under duress so he can protect, teach, and guide us. He allows and tolerates mischief, but he wants to make good come out of it, if you will let him.
Admitting that things can be overwhelming is a sign of wisdom and humility. Acknowledging one’s insufficiency and following good leadership is the basis of surrender in its most honoring and empowering sense.
Though self-control, planning, careful evaluation and response are necessary in dealing with those who take advantage, you can’t reliably prevail in many unfair circumstances. God also created zebras that don’t change their stripes. He knows how to deal with them and how to help you. Reach out to your higher power earnestly and often.
There are many people and many instances where behavior is clearly inappropriate. The “perpetrator” (perhaps someone you care for) is often unaware or infrequently acknowledging of overstepping boundaries or being offensive. Despite outrageous behavior, getting him to see the error of his ways and become contrite is a rare outcome. He will likely double down, defend his actions, and further criticize you. But, don’t let the wrongoer’s pattern dissuade you from setting limits.
Once you contain your emotional response, you can set boundaries on the offender’s encroachment, even if he thinks he’s justified and entitled. You don’t need (and probably won’t get) an apology. Simply describe his behavior, state how it made you feel, and communicate what you will do in the future if he oversteps bounds.
For example:
“I realize you have negative feelings toward me; but, expressing them in the way you did and with your unsubstantiated accusations made me feel quite diminished. If that’s not what you intended, please check yourself and try another approach. If you really did mean to hurt me, you succeeded, but to what avail. If you do this again, I will… (leave the conversation, curtail our interaction, withhold services to you, etc.).”
There are meaningful differences and effects between taking emotional umbrage and responding by holding him accountable while putting a rule in place that protects you and controls such interactions.
When someone spits in your face, you don’t have to spit back. You can comment on its impropriety and let him know that continued similar behaviors will not be tolerated. Devise and plan consequences that protect you and control your behavior without resorting to an interpersonal food fight.
You can love and forgive someone while holding him accountable, not forgetting his transgressions, and remaining wary of the offender’s character flaws and potential tendency to hurt you again. Holding others accountable and protecting yourself while extending love and compassion are indeed compatible. This requires a more expansive and forgiving outlook.
Your challenge with others’ unacceptable behavior may intrude from acquaintances, associates, or arbitrary individuals who darken your life with transgressions that diminish, cheat, or traumatize. Or, you may be saddled with the steady drip and heartbreak of a loved one who consistently violates behavioral and social norms or tramples upon your generosity and forgiveness. Whatever the case, you need to implement a combination of practical boundaries and accountability with inner responses that give you the freedom to love.
People tend to be predictable, or at least to repeat their behaviors. When you are wronged or treated harshly, examine the situation and yourself honestly to determine if you have some contributing fault or blind spot. But, don’t reflexively blame yourself. If you are dealing with someone who treats you callously, chances are that that this person acts this way routinely with many people. Such insight in your situational assessment can equip you with better abilities to distance yourself from the offense and know that it’s not you. While you still have emotional reactions and must deal with the interaction and its results, knowing that the other guy has the problem can help you stay calm and compassionate.
When I encounter a particularly difficult person, I may exit or defend myself; but, realizing that the offender habitually causes trouble allows me to lessen the hurt and not take it personally. I actually feel sorry for the person who goes though life selfishly and abrasively, inevitably suffering the unpleasant consequences from acting that way.
Many decades ago, I attended a motivational lecture given by a fellow who exuded a most brash and unpleasant manner. Knowledgeable as he was about his flaws, he understood how he affected people. I’ll never forget what he said:
“If you don’t like me, if you think I have a lousy personality… then, get down on your knees and thank God that he gave this personality to me and not to you.”
Amen.
Along with extending wide margins and compassion for people, we must be on guard not to be condescending or prideful in our heart. Taking the high road does not make you better than others. As you extend yourself in prayer, compassion, and mercy, beware that you are not self-righteous.
Jesus reminds us:
“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’
“But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’
“I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” (Luke 18: 10-14)
Remember Jesus’ admonition:
“If you love those who love you, what reward do you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:46-48)
Of course, you will not be perfect. Jesus’ exhortation is to encourage us to aspire to more godly character and to shape our behaviors in that direction. One way to do this is to substitute the natural tendency to nurse grudges and review offenses with prayer for the well-being and growth of those who hurt you. It’s tempting to vent anger and wish for their punishment or comeuppance. Leave that to God. Yet, also appeal to God for growth and revelation in your “enemy” to see the light and change ways. With God, all things are possible. Ask him as well for relief and release from your hurt and suffering (Proverbs 2:3-12).
God sees everything and he notices when you are treated unjustly (Ecclesiastes 12:14, Hebrews 4:13, Proverbs 5:21). He sees our pain and hears our cries (Psalm 34:17, Psalm 55:17, Psalm 72:12).
Prayer is a salve for grief and an opening to insight and compassion. It will certainly change you. Prayer is also a conduit for God to channel his will and power to change others, as he sees fit. You can be part of that plan.
Though pessimists and cynics may see the world through the lens of gloomy expectations, it’s a safe bet that all of us will experience disappointments and unkindness. Life brings storms and human perpetrations. Therefore, don’t be surprised at their arrival, and do something better than bemoaning your fate.
As you assess someone’s repeated behavior and their character—and, even one significant example can yield strong clues—learn to expect more of the same. Though “one swallow doesn’t make a summer,” be attentive to the harbingers of negative behavior. Don’t pre-judge, but do notice patterns, so you can avoid undue vulnerability and guard yourself.
“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”
People tend to repeat their behaviors and act in accord with their character. Though many offenses and traumas come unexpectedly, much of what irritates us is predictable. With some individuals, trust is difficult, and you may “sleep with one eye open.” With others, your desire to be loving and forgiving may be infringed by their constant misbehavior.
Loving others who cross you is certainly hard enough. When you add hope and prayers that they will change or be remorseful, you are creating a world of possibility while living in the world of reality.
Navigating the divide between instinctual reactions (anger, revenge, obsessiveness, etc.) and loving compassion requires keenness, forgiveness, humility, compassion and choice. We can’t control or even anticipate all that happens to us, but we have significant say over our responses. We can will to choose how we interpret and react. We can own both the hurt and the decision to live beyond offenses and love the offender “as is.” Living at the cause of your experiences requires hosting ambivalent feelings, temptations, and conscience, and deliberate choices about who you really want to be and become.
Choice is an extremely powerful tool and a habit. Even when you are “innocent,” you can choose to not be a victim, despite circumstances and appearances.
If you are sensitive and abide by a moral compass, it‘s hard to comprehend and accept the mistreatment that others may cast your way. Trying to understand another person’s selfishness can lead to a whirlwind of confusion and resentment: “How could he do that?” Figuring out another’s motives can lead to justifying and distract from forgiving. It can also mislead by tempting you to compare your goodness to that of others.
In order to love those who wrong you, you must habitually forgive. True forgiveness means you give up all claim to payback. The capacity to forgive comes from the experience of being forgiven and the acceptance of the undeserved sacrifice of the forgiver.
Yes, it will cost you to turn the other cheek, forgive, and love. How much should you do so? Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:21-22:
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
How do you love someone who spits in your face? Well, remember that you don’t have to. If you decide that loving is a better option than the others you’ve tried, then, with practice, you will grow in grace, power, and the esteem of your heavenly father and his children, who are your spiritual brothers and sisters.
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
