When you think back over all the twists and turns in your life, the unexpected detours and disappointments, the breaks and surprises that came your way—how do you reckon it all? Do you feel blessed and fortunate? Or, perhaps you feel more frustrated or cursed?
Surely, life is full of challenges, often bringing frustration and disappointment. Our expectations—the anticipation and sights we set to organize, interpret, and guide our experiences—are only partially fulfilled. We need to envision, plan, and imagine outcomes, though often these are impeded or turned in different directions. Life inundates us with interruptions, urgencies, traumas, and events for which we’re unprepared. Sometimes, good fortune and “plums” may arrive. For many, there are tragedies whose occurrence leaves scars and overriding burdens of painful, negative outlook and perspective.
What’s your view of the balance of fortune in your life? And how do you handle and counteract discouragement?
It’s tempting to answer these questions with the logic of pragmatism by assessing one’s assets and circumstances, particularly as related to one’s values, comparisons, and desires. But that is not the real or complete story. Material things, accomplishments, rewarding relationships are only the contents from which one draws conclusions and ekes out satisfactions. The true measure of evaluation derives from one’s attitude—formed by a mélange of genetic predisposition, experiences, conditioning, spiritual awareness, and, ultimately, the accumulation and consequences of sovereign choices.
Observing the differences in attitude and how people interpret and attribute what happens to them, it’s convenient to categorize “types” that may be useful, though somewhat simplistic. Some are positive and confident. Others lean negative, fatalistic, perhaps cynical. Many are given to conclusions about the randomness and unpredictability of life. Emotional types vacillate between confirmations of hope and despair, depending upon their mood and reactions. Some put stock in various prophecies. Others just grin and bear it.
Among those who believe that the universe runs its course with factors and predictors beyond what is tangible to humans, some subscribe to the inevitability of “karma,” citing a cosmic conscience that metes out consequences and destiny in line with one’s actions. For those so convinced, the impartial beast of karma levies a mandate to act morally with an eye toward retribution and universal justice.
There are other forms of spirituality acceding to the intangible inclusions that contribute to one’s destiny. Most of these beliefs strive toward acceptance and a reduction of stress and frustration by acknowledging man’s limitations and the existence and intervention of a divine higher power.
Accepting and interpreting God’s will can vary from passive resignation and fatalism to a faithful belief that God is in control and that all works out ultimately for good. How might this relation to the intangible and unproven serve to ameliorate discouragement and improve attitude?
Dealing with life’s adversity and uncooperativeness is the continuing challenge, no matter what your philosophy. The ability to accept and weather disappointment, frustration, and defeat is critical—when this lacks or withers, motivation, mood, and spirit are crushed. From childhood on, we continually learn to endure not getting what we want. Acceptance, rationalization, hope, determination, and perseverance must somehow supplant and counter discouragement and negativity. Looking at the upside helps, but this seems to be a talent (or perhaps an illusion) of few. For the downtrodden, cynical, and self-proclaimed “realists,” finding the pony in the manure is a pie-in-the-sky fantasy or delusion that hides or lessens the pain. Perhaps…
Or, maybe the difficulty in handling things not going one’s way is a manifestation of a self-indulgent world view and character. After all, where is it promised that things will work out (to one’s satisfaction)?
Acceptance, endurance, tolerance, perseverance, and a healthy outlook reside in hope: the faith in things yet unseen. That’s the way it is may describe the effects of the past, the description of the present, but it does not have to determine the outlook for the future. Therein lies the belief in something better.
Trauma and tragedy shape our outlook. They can make us bitter and self-pitying. Alternatively, recovery and healing are not only possible, but are always happening—though they may not take the form you wished for or envisioned. When misfortune or disappointment befall, it’s difficult to see the light or welcome the possibility of something better.
Yet, most people can look back at many situations of frustration, disappointment, and not getting what they wanted and see that what followed was good enough or even better. The lost job, unfulfilled relationship, financial downturn, health issue, or crushing defeat seemed at the time to be an inconsolable devastation. Somehow, you survived. There came new opportunities, discoveries, blessings, satisfactions, growth, appreciation, and perspective.
Those who have faith in God tend to assume that when something desired is deprived, rescinded, or withheld, it clears the way for something better or more appropriate—what God had in mind. Beyond blind faith, it’s almost impossible to know or predict such substitutions. In retrospect, one can be thankful for the “better” blessings, though it’s usually inscrutable trying to discern the maneuverings of timing and new opportunities.
When tragedy befalls, what comes after is not typically better—at least in the short term. No one who has lost a limb thinks it’s better to be without it. The loss of a loved one or the damage of a painful relationship leaves scars. Abuse, humiliation, and offense mar even the most resilient and optimistic among us. What can happen, though, even with these most unfortunate and unwanted events, is that the resilience of recovery can summon and develop newfound strength, along with reinvigorated purpose and hope. The very presence of survival carries confidence into the future. Weathering the unthinkable can build a robust core, and the notion that “this, too, shall pass” becomes instilled as a shield.
My life is a continuing testimony to the reality of something better. Most of the composition of my history is far different from what I imagined or what I wanted. Along the littered trail of college and job rejections, girlfriends that didn’t materialize, failed relationships and businesses, “fate” was inexorably pushing and leading me toward the life that developed.
Though I long nurtured the desire and sense that I would get married, have children, and be a private practice professional, my career path bears little resemblance to what I envisioned. I couldn’t imagine the wife I now have, nor the peculiarities and rewards of our marriage. My first wife turned out to be a first wife for decades. (Does anyone in our culture marry thinking, “Well, this will be my first wife.”?) My children turned out far different from what I planned; one of them passed away in early adulthood.
From childhood, I longed to be famous, recognized for athletic or musical stardom. Alas, it hasn’t happened. I’ve learned not to feel cheated out of my dreams (and, surely, I’m not the only one.) Instead, eventually I developed some native talents of problem-solving, teaching, people intuition, healing, and writing, and have managed to carve out a career and productivity very different from what I wanted or envisioned. What a satisfying life this has turned out to be!
Along with decades of frustration and closed doors, I recklessly and immaturely contributed bad decisions, self-indulgences, and destructive choices to my story. That I survived and have thrived this long certainly reflects miracles. And miracles are the province of a divine being who clearly looks out for me and supplies many things better than I would have chosen and settled for.
Material things can be replaced with the availability of resources. Many times, we must do without, adjust, or wait until circumstances change. There are downturns in fortune, relationships, or health that might seem—or actually be—irreversible. More often (if you take time to notice), the traumas of loss, breakdown, and frustration are ameliorated by various fixes and innovations. From new phones and devices to software updates and security patches to newer cars to the many saving methods of medicine and science: problems are routinely replaced by something better.
The lesser told tale of something better is more valuable and durable than new or replaced products. It’s the story of developing inner strength, hope, faith, and confidence that things will improve. The sun will shine again after stormy days. The repeated experiences of renewal, favorable surprises, unanticipated interventions and blessings, and answered prayers teach and instill that something better awaits. When you practice the anticipation and recognition of the better things that come your way, the traumas and disappointments will be more tolerable, and you will look ahead with hope, confidence, and a measure of certainty, even in the absence of immediate supply. You will know assuredly that you are cared for, important, and not forgotten.
What about endurance and victory over the discouragement that so readily overwhelms?
We all face it. You’re not alone. It’s not easy. Sometimes, indeed, it seems unbearable.
The antidote of expecting and knowing that something better lies ahead will get you through. Something better may be different than what you wanted. Missing what you had or lost does not have to impede or spoil your acceptance and gratitude for the blessings you receive in the midst of or after misfortune. Pining for the good old days becomes less of an obsession when you see the litany of better things that nourish you. Take stock; examine your history; be grateful, be hopefully expectant. Recognize all the “better things” that amply and repeatedly grace your life. Take heart in the probability that they will continue to happen.
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.
Psalm 30:11Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have because God has said, “never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”
Hebrews 13:5-6And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18May the habit of awaiting something better and the belief that it will arrive grace your battle against discouragement and your patience and faith in the good outcomes in store for you.
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
