In the fields of medicine, psychology, education, and statistics, different types of measurements are made. There are four classic measurement paradigms:

• Norm-referencing—this paradigm compares people in relation to one another on certain attributes or performances. For instance, “grading on the curve” provides a grade based on how you performed relative to others taking the same test. Developmental height and weight charts reference those attributes of an individual relative to the majority of people the same age, adjusted for gender.
• Criterion referencing—this measures performance relative to some pre-determined objective or arbitrary standard. For instance, 90% correct earns an A, 80% correct earns a B, etc. Criterion referencing is keyed to individual performance rather than to group comparisons.
• Mastery referencing—in the mastery paradigm, a performance threshold is set that determines pass/fail. For example, the written test for a driver’s license is mastery based. You pass if you answer a pre-determined number of items correctly.
• Sign tests—these are boundary markers where “positive” means you have the condition, and “negative” means you do not: e.g., pregnancy, strep throat, etc. Of course, there are many degrees of progress in different conditions, but the main measurement issue is whether you test positive or not.

As we interact with the world, our bodies and performances are subject to many measurements. These comparisons provide objective feedback regarding where we stand with performance, developmental achievement, health, and so forth.

What about the psychological impact of comparisons? Surely, there are the insults and traumas of criticisms, one-upmanship, and put-downs from others. They can take a painful toll. Ask any child who has been subjected to scorn and bullying. The only positive in this scenario is that it ideally has the potential to produce a valuable survival skill: a “thick skin” to rebuff the callous comments and ratings that others may impart. Yet, mostly, people can be their own harshest critics. It is indeed self-punishment to compare yourself to others and come up lacking. As a consequence, many individuals find themselves needlessly struggling with a fragmented or fractured sense of self-worth.

When you compare yourself—ultimately your sense of self-worth—to others, you are succumbing to a false and vicious self-imposed flagellation based upon envy, ambition, and frustrated desire. It is realistically the case (and always will be so) that there are people who fare better than you and people who fare worse. By whatever standard you choose, everyone has pluses, minuses, strengths, weaknesses, traumas, disappointments, and opportunities.

You are smarter than some, but not as smart as others; more attractive in some ways, less in others by comparison. And, always the values are weighted by subjective standards. Some of these standards are dictated by cultural norms, and they may seem arbitrary, unfair, or downright oppressive (think, for example of our society’s standards of beauty and value for females—too often tragically resulting in eating disorders, low self-esteem, and behavioral competition that can become degrading).

Almost everyone wants to be rich, thin, tall, smart, youthful, and talented—or, translate: richer, thinner, taller, smarter, and more youthful and talented. Let’s acknowledge that some traits and circumstances have advantages. Others bring burdens. Poverty is no picnic. Aging brings pains and limits. There is prejudice and racism. People are born with or acquire disabilities. And the sinister human tendency to diminish or ridicule others in the service of self-aggrandizement is an unfortunate bane.

Some people do have advantages. Life and nature mete out skills, fortune, and mercies in a manner inscrutable and uncontrollable by humans. Ultimately, God’s providence and control are unshakeable. Each of us would do well (and better) to live with this truth in mind. Life tempts us to covet. We cannot have or attain many things we want. We do the best we can with what we have. Yet, there is more to success and contentment than simply making lemonade out of lemons. Each of us has the freedom of choice in so many areas, from minute daily decisions to overall attitudes about how we see ourselves and others.

It is good to do one’s best and strive for achievement. But the student who gets A’s is not a worthier person than those with lower grades. And isn’t it petty, envious, and self-defeating to compare body parts against the imputed endowments of others? You have a genetic destiny—but this is no reason to bemoan your status and feel cheated. To admire and fantasize about the gifts and seeming advantages of others is natural and tempting. Yet, it is necessary to curtail such mental and emotional preoccupations, lest they bury you in resentment, self-pity, and negative emotions.

Dave and Harry

My friend, Dave, a pastor, delivered an unforgettable sermon. Remembered for years with poignant chuckles, Dave‘s preaching recounted the desires and frustrations of adolescence. Dave was a high school wrestler, concerned with his body and comparing himself with others. He was keenly self-conscious of having no chest hair at a time when his peers were ahead in their development.

Dave shared his very personal story of the single hair that one day emerged on his chest. He named it Harry. He nurtured Harry, examining the lone hair numerous times daily; he even combed the hair. Dave was, indeed, very proud of Harry, a harbinger of his emerging manhood, soon to be joined by companion hairs on Dave’s maturing chest.

Dave’s story and its metaphorical implications brings touching reminders of the anguish of growing up with the attendant self-conscious comparisons of adolescence. Though body changes and hormones accelerate during the teen-age years, the hardship of self-comparisons begins early and, for many people, continues throughout life, eating at them and chipping away at self-esteem.

Self-Esteem

Decades ago, I wrote an article entitled, Straight Talk About Self-Esteem (reprinted in my book, Confessions of a Maverick Mind). Here is an excerpt:

What Am I For?

The senses of belonging, security, and purpose are fundamental to a proper view of oneself and the belief in self worth.

Another pastor, Andy, gave a striking example of this by suggesting the image of rummaging through a box of electronic accessories and withdrawing a power adapter—thus bringing up the question, What is this for? (What is its purpose; to what does this belong?) When we ask this question about ourselves, the answers (or lack thereof) reveal much about self-regard. We need to know what we are for.

Surely, it takes time, work, soul-searching, and feedback from others to develop and nurture the sense of belonging, acceptance, and purpose. Discovering our gifts, honing and applying skills in work and relationships all contribute to the constituents of identity. Building a robust and resilient sense of self requires engagement, practice, and often healing. It takes years.

Contributing Worth

My mother frequently reminded me, “Look for the good in people.” It is sage advice that continues to soften my ego and admonish me to wear compassion and humility as the emblems of my relations with those around me.

Each of us needs to be wary of self-comparisons, the weapons in the battles to win respect, confidence, and a secure place in our world. Some competition is natural, necessary, and can be edifying, spurring us on to attaining discipline, a work ethic, and achievement. But worth does not ultimately reside in appearance, wealth, achievement, or other markers of worldly treasures.

Remember the saying, “The grass is always greener in someone else’s yard.” Add to that one the notion that “Most of us are broke, just at different levels.” And the sobering dictum, “I complained about my shoes… until I met a person who had no feet.”

It is not only money that’s the frame of reference. We are all broken individuals. Life does that. Those who can embrace this spiritual truth are fortunate. This awareness is basic to sensitivity and empathy. But self-pity and self-bashing are improper responses to vulnerability. Better to realize that you are more like other people than not; and that resorting to a ranking system that relies on the ostensible accouterments of success—money, fame, prestige, and the envy of others—is a terrible way to live. Rather, measure yourself by your actions and good deeds.

We must do more as individuals, families, friend, mentors, and institutions to teach and reinforce that every person has innate and irrefutable value. Heed Matthew 5:45… “that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”

When you get better at loving others, you will love yourself more. And as you love yourself more—holding yourself in the regard given by God—you will love, tolerate, and forgive others in an expanding and passionate understanding of the fragility and self-doubt in each of us.