Everybody wants to have confidence. Like money, we all want more of it. We want to be self-assured, poised, and radiate the sense that we know what we’re doing and that good outcomes will occur. People with confidence are the objects of envy, sometimes emulation, and they seem to do well and to know that they will continue to do well.
There are different types of confidence, ranging from confidence in oneself to faith and belief in others. Presently, we will focus on confidence to mean self-confidence.
What is self-confidence?
Here is a definition I coined years ago (from my book, Living Intact: Challenge and Choice in Tough Times):
Confidence is the habit of expecting favor from life’s ordinary opportunities and of practicing greatness in the face of seeming insignificance.
Let’s explain: the habit of expecting favor from life’s ordinary opportunities means that one anticipates a favorable outcome from a performance or circumstance, based upon previous acts and experiences. It is a probabilistic model of engaging with life (and winning), based upon the knowledge of previous similar outcomes and the likelihood of repeating what occurred in the past.
For instance, the basketball player who scores 90 percent of his free throws approaches each such shot with high confidence—because nine out of ten shots go in the hoop, based upon his past performance. He still has to concentrate, but the task is facilitated by his knowledge of the high likelihood of success. For the player whose scoring percentage is fifty percent, every free throw is a crapshoot. He has lower confidence in his own ability to successfully perform this task.
Whether it’s shooting baskets, taking tests, talking to people, or the thousands of other things we do, our confidence reflects the probabilistic tally of our previous experiences. Expecting favor means that you project and anticipate a rewarding result. That can reflect in a high score, or perhaps a productive meeting or warm and receptive communication.
The world is a formidable place. Life is full of challenges with opportunities for things to go well or miserably. Your experiences, temperament, and attitudes combine to form and influence your expectations about how things will go for you in the many minor and important things you do and the challenges you face. Your self-confidence is a function of your track record. You may be quite confident in some areas, but less confident in others.
For example, I am very confident in my interactions with people. Professionally and personally, I expect interactions and communications to go well, because this is what happens in my world a high percentage of the time. Alternatively, I have very low self-confidence in my (lack of) ability to fix mechanical things—because, as I’ve learned with routine frustration and embarrassment my whole life. I’m just not good at putting things together mechanically or fixing things with my hands. I am a terrific problem solver—just not with objects (so, fortunately and wisely I hire and depend upon others to do what I am not good at).
Therefore, self-confidence in the face of life’s ordinary opportunities reflects track record with respect to past successes with those opportunities.
What about practicing greatness in the face of seeming insignificance?
That’s a pretty grand statement! Here’s what it means:
Whereas, scoring a goal in a championship game may seem like an elevated accomplishment, such achievements are not the only ones that build and fortify self-confidence—the belief that one will succeed and prevail. At different stages and challenges in our lives, each of us faces tasks and obstacles that might seem minor or insignificant, but are actually vital tests of our competence and confidence. For a toddler, going to the toilet is a major milestone: repeated success, recognition, and praise builds confidence. Though we take this for granted as functional adults, toileting is a habit from which we expect “favor” because we usually succeed at it. However, if you’ve ever had a bout with severe diarrhea or irritable bowel syndrome, you have a visceral recollection that your confidence in self-control in this area was shaken.
When I was in graduate school, I typically ran six miles a day (ah, those wonderful, youthful times of being in shape). Unfortunately, I was in a fire accident that left me scarred and unable to walk for weeks. During my recovery, I found it excruciatingly painful to sit on a toilet because my legs and feet were severely burned, and the blood would rush downward and put me in agony. Slowly, I had to learn to walk, moving myself painfully and carefully. At that point, my self-confidence in basic mobility and self-care was very low, due to this trauma. (Fortunately, I eventually recovered, building gradual and cumulative confidence as I healed and rehabilitated.)
When you succeed repeatedly in the challenges you face, you are indeed practicing greatness in the face of seeming insignificance! The successes may be narrow and proscribed—yet, they accumulate and eventually can generalize, so that you feel more competent and secure in yourself and your abilities. For some people, asserting themselves, making requests, or communicating their feelings may be major hurdles. Small steps in doing so (and finding out that it’s okay) will be incremental (and sometimes monumental) in building self-confidence.
Finishing an assignment, following through on a task (even a single exercise workout or healthy meal), or braving one’s fears can chip away at insecurity and shift the probability score and internal confidence needle toward greater belief in oneself. For the fearful or anxious person, going to the store may involve a significant conquest. The myriad of challenges we face—each according to our own confrontations and levels of comfort—determines how confident we feel about facing things the next time around. This occurs in our minds and hearts, as well as in the three-dimensional reality of actions in the outer world.
Thus, when it comes to keeping score on all kinds of successful (and routine) outcomes, there is really no “insignificance.” When you succeed in small things as well large things, you can pat yourself on the back and feel “great”—you are building self-confidence! Remember the saying: “Inch by inch, life’s a cinch. Yard by yard, life is hard.” Incremental, cumulative successes build up to confidence.
Since confidence accrues from the accumulation of successful outcomes, it follows logically and practically that you must engage in tasks and challenges repeatedly in order for successes (favorable outcomes) to occur. The less certain you are (lower confidence) about good results, the more the risk. For many people, risk is scary and threatening. The combination of fear of the unknown and the memory of past failures combine to deter the willingness to try again. While this may be a prudent strategy in minimizing pain and embarrassment, it reinforces avoidance and negative thinking, and it also limits the number of “trials” that are necessary to achieve competence and confidence.
In the academic literature on educational research, there are many studies showing that students who raise their hands and offer responses frequently learn better and achieve more than students who are reticent or careful with their responses. Children who volunteer or eagerly respond frequently are classified as “impulsive learners,” whereas more cautious children who respond less frequently are classified as “reflective learners.” These responding patterns are closely tied to temperament and personality styles; so, one might conclude that different strokes are for different folks and that we should discount personality features from the value judgments and exhortations we place upon students. After all, there is virtue in choosing carefully and not simply calling out whatever comes to mind in order to gain attention. However, the science tells us that even though impulsive learners—the ones who constantly raise their hands, may interrupt, and offer an abundance of wrong answers—may become a nuisance, embarrass themselves and overshadow others, they create many more opportunities for reinforcement of good answers. Thus, the sheer volume of opportunities and interactions results in a higher number of successful ventures, even if the percentage of correct responses is relatively lower.
The key point is that of “nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Despite the risk of failure or embarrassment (which, interestingly becomes lower and less threatening with experience and practice), increasing the frequency of responses creates the groundwork for the accumulation of successes, the critical ingredient in building self-confidence. A main challenge is to withstand the inevitable failures that occur along the way and to overcome their attendant self-doubt and recriminations.
In high school, my best friend’s older brother had a friend whom we thought was very cool. We admired Michael for his “hip” attributes and knowledge and especially for his success with women. Michael was a “ladies’ man.” With awkward self-consciousness, my friend and I sought Michael’s advice on his methods of attracting females. Michael bragged that he would stand on the corner of Lexington Avenue and 59th Street (a bustling Manhattan intersection) and approach pretty women and ask for a date. My friend and I were enthralled and horrified; this temerity and confidence was unimaginable!
“How could you do that?” I asked incredulously. “Weren’t these women offended?”
“Oh, yeah,” Michael answered, “I got rejected a lot, yelled at, scolded, and even a few times slapped… but I sure got a lot of dates!”
The brash and impudent acts of Michael notwithstanding, this story emphasizes the potential reward value of trying over and over again. The more efforts expended, the more opportunity for reinforcement.
Though increasing response volume is a big factor in eliciting positive feedback that will strengthen confidence, the efforts should not be indiscriminate. Actions should be aimed toward a direct and defined goal. Though repetition is necessary, it’s important to evaluate the feedback and to learn from mistakes.
Becoming desensitized to rejection can be very helpful. “Pretend” confidence may at times substitute for the real thing—as the saying goes, “Fake it until you make it.” However, along with persistence, you must be alert and prepared to modify your approach and methods. Just as the baseball player must adjust his swing and the basketball player his shot to correct misses, you must monitor the feedback on your efforts to determine whether and when you should make adjustments.
This, of course, is not an easy or fixed task. You will learn the guidelines for modification by paying keen attention, assessing some measure of responses emitted and their associated failures and successes, and perhaps by seeking feedback and suggestions from others you trust. Often, you need to keep going and redouble your efforts. However, you also must be wary of “continuing to fish in a depleted lake.”
People seeking jobs or romantic liaisons become easily discouraged when they labor without positive (or any) responses. It’s typically very difficult to ascertain why the feedback is lacking. Employers post jobs (for legal and political correctness) that they have already designated to be filled behind the scenes. Internet identities and dating profiles are often notoriously faked. Yet, many times, the lack of response (or negative response) may be due to a systematic flaw or error that needs your identification and correction.
Blind and indefinite persistence is not only discouraging: it counteracts and erodes confidence. Sometimes people get lucky. I know someone who played the exact same lottery numbers for over twenty years, eventually winning many millions of dollars! This is by far the exception (indeed, it’s a fluke). You need to persevere, but you also need some gauge to inform you of when to change or when to stop.
Whereas confidence naturally flows from a belief in oneself and the security that comes from a profile of previous successes, some people have an inflated sense of their own worth. Their projections and self-image are based on egocentric needs more than on real-life performance. These folks come across as grandiose, often boasting or exaggerating their skills and accomplishments. They live in a protective psychological bubble that insulates them from their fragility and the discrepancies between their actions and their self-evaluations. Their seeming confidence is propped up by bravado.
An old friend of mine used to mock such pretenses by saying, “I’d like to buy you for what you’re really worth and sell you for what you think you’re worth.”
Confidence is belief based upon reliable evidence. It’s an internal assessment that accommodates past performance with anticipation and expectations about future performance.
Faith is the hope and belief in the absence of material evidence. Faith lives at the intersection between material and immaterial aspects of reality. You can have faith and confidence (a great combination), though they are different.
Self-esteem is different from self-confidence, although they are related.
Self-esteem is the value with which we regard the various aspects of ourselves. It is not the same as self-confidence. A teacher may be supremely confident in her ability to teach math, but may also suffer from poor self-esteem. A spelling champion is confident with words, and a bully is confident in dominance; yet each of these people may hold himself in low regard, despite high confidence in a particular level of functioning.
Although it is a concept, self-esteem does differ from self-concept. The ideas we have about ourselves form our self-concepts. The values we place on those ideas constitute self-esteem. Each of us has ideas and beliefs which structure our identity, character, and essential qualities, and which distinguish us as distinct and separate from all others. Self-esteem reflects the honor with which we regard our reputations and ideas about ourselves.
As a consciousness, self-esteem derives from the subjective interpretation of two questions concurrently:
The “What am I good at?” part forms the substrate of self-confidence. The “What am I good for?” part derives from the belief that you are loved and valued. You can read more about this in my article, Straight Talk About Self-Esteem (in my book, Confessions of a Maverick Mind).
To summarize: self-confidence is a measure of the belief in yourself and ability to perform, based upon your track record and past experiences. The more successes you have accrued in a given area or with certain tasks, the more confident you are that your future efforts will pay off successfully.
Despite high levels of competence and ability, many people lack confidence due to traumatic experiences and/or anxiety. Those afflicted should avail themselves of professional treatment to eliminate such psychological and emotional shackles. There are effective, drug-free treatments that work rapidly and can divest the emotional paralysis and self-doubt that may otherwise inhibit or cripple confidence indefinitely.
To build confidence strategically, you must persevere with repetitive efforts and “trials,” so that you can increase your percentage and accumulation of successes. As you build your success/failure probability ratio, your self-confidence will automatically increase.
If you are simply overwhelmed or confused about why your efforts don’t succeed, seek advice and help from a trusted friend, mentor, or coach. Learn the skills needed to solicit feedback so you can modify the efforts that are not working.
Surely, you have heard that successful people log many failures along the way to success. Hope, faith, desire, and perseverance are necessary—but, make sure that you also monitor the strategies and feedback that lead to more successful outcomes.
As you gain confidence in multiple areas, you will feel less concerned about the things you don’t do well. Find the level for yourself at which it’s “good enough to be good enough.”
Remember also that there are many situations in life where the game is “rigged.” For reasons indeterminate, you may not be able to improve or succeed. So, rather than beat yourself up, consider putting your efforts into ventures where you can be more productive. We all have weaknesses. Often, our efforts are better directed at honing strengths and learning to live with or compensate for weaknesses. People need each other for support, encouragement, reassurance, and reality checks.
Confidence in others leads to a sense of comfort and support in the world. Confidence in yourself underpins a sense of comfort and security in yourself.
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
