• Expectations versus experience

  Each of us has expectations, long- and short-range, about what’s going to happen. These expectations are formed from hopes, fantasies, desires, and conditioning. We modify our expectations through our experiences, what and how we learn, our perceptions of reality, and by the interactions of these experiences with our innate desires, development, and evolving character. (I’ve devoted an extensive chapter to expectations in my book, Living Intact: Challenge and Choice in Tough Times).

  Bottom line: there are continual discrepancies between what we expect and what we get. It’s just the way life is. The manner in which we reconcile and adapt to these discrepancies tells the tale of our level of happiness, satisfaction, character, and, ultimately, the quality and sustainability of our relationships.

  Not only is the world an imperfect place, but our constructs of reality are imperfect—fractured and in need of on-going monitoring, repair, and modification due to the damage and disappointment we suffer at the hands of others… in a universe that all too frequently refuses to bend to our will.

  When people disappoint us or behave badly, what do you do? What’s your reaction when your expectations are not met?

  Do you become frustrated, critical, angry, or perhaps resigned and pessimistic? Are you able to adjust your expectations? Most importantly, what explanations do you impose on the gap between what you expected (wanted) and what you got?

  The renowned actor and writer, Tyler Perry, provides invaluable insight regarding expectations in his book, Higher Is Waiting. Perry describes an instance where he was listening to a good friend on a hot summer day (pages 142-145:

  “When we were standing right under the sun’s blazing rays, in a spot where the grass looked especially vibrant, I interrupted her midsentence.

  “What do you think of my lawn?” I asked, spreading my palms out in front of me, panning the property like a camera.

  She took in the yard. “Wow, I love it!” she said. “It’s gorgeous…just like lush velvet!”

  Then she looked up and squinted at the sun’s rays beating directly down on us. “But it’s so unbelievably hot right here. Let’s cool off under the tree.” She pointed to a sturdy oak with its leafy promise of shade and started walking toward the bench directly under it.

  “Oh, no, no,” I said. “Let’s stay here and cool off.”

  “Cool off? We can’t cool off here!” she said, her voice getting testy.

  “Right,” I agreed. “But didn’t you just say you loved the grass?”

  “I did,” she replied.

  “Then why don’t we stay here and enjoy it?”

  “Because it’s hot, and grass can’t cool us off!”

  Who could argue with her reasoning? Not me. So we walked over to the oak tree, sat on the shaded bench, and breathed in the relief.

  “Now, you see, this is what I need,” she said with a sigh.

  I paused for a moment, allowing my heart to open wider—and continued our conversation.

  “You say you love the grass. So why do you get mad at it when it can’t give you the shade you want and need?” I asked.

  Her forehead creased with confusion so I went on. “Whether people are born one way and it’s their nature, or they grow into a particular way because of their life’s circumstances, they are exactly who they are. Stop wishing they could be someone else.”

  I carried on with this train of thought, picking up steam along the way. “The next time you get upset with someone because he can’t be who you want him to be, remind yourself of the grass,” I suggested. “Don’t bother getting mad at a blade of grass because it’s not a tree. Appreciate the grass for what it is. Let it provide for you what it can, but don’t expect more than it can give.”

  My friend finally understood the point I was making. She looked me in the eyes and shot a wide smile my way. “True!”

  “It’s an important lesson for all of us. Life gets easier and happier when we let people be whoever they truly are. Stop expecting them to give you what they don’t have or don’t know how to give. In the same way grass can’t give shade because that’s not its purpose, some people are not made to be generous or kind.

  Don’t waste your energy being frustrated with folks who are like the grass. Spend more time with people who are like trees. You’ll be surprised to discover how much more comfort you’ll find.

  The take-home message on expectations is this: The more realistically you adjust your expectations to fit the way others treat you and the more generously you interpret their motivations, character, and limitations, the better able you will be to avoid disappointments and heartbreak and become selective and satisfied with how others act.

• Accountability

  As rules are fundamental to games, so is accountability basic to meaningful relationships. Holding someone accountable means that you and the other person agree to the precept that each of you “owns” his actions and is answerable to the other for what you do and have done. Accountability differs from blame. It requires that you acknowledge your part regarding events, feelings, influences, and consequences for the person with whom you are in relationship.

  So many people have deceptive and marginalized relationships because they adhere to the unstated “rule” that, “I won’t call you on your nonsense, faults, and broken agreements if you don’t call me on mine.” This tacit agreement sets the stage for resentments and fractured relationships. Often, people do not recognize this pattern in their relations with others. This dysfunctional arrangement arises out of two fears: firstly, that most of us are self-conscious about our “skeletons” and about exposure of our faults, bad habits, and possibly dubious behaviors; and, secondly, we are intimidated about the highly probable “pushback” from those whom we hold accountable.

  It’s a simple fact of human nature: we don’t like our faults exposed, nor do we appreciate (without practice, learning, spiritual conviction, and a bit of enlightenment) when another person holds us accountable for mistakes, even unintentional ones.

  In addition, most people have very little experience in the handling of this pushback from others. Attempts to hold others accountable therefore often result in hard feelings, miscommunications, blaming, avoidance, and conflict. Yet, accountability forms the basis for trust, reliability, honesty, integrity, and esteem. The old saying, “Two wrongs don’t make a right” applies here. Thus, “I won’t call you on your (dishonor, irresponsibility, unreliability, not keeping your word, etc.) if you don’t call me on mine” contaminates integrity, trust, and openness in the relationship.

  Accountability is different from blame, faultfinding, and even from “responsibility” (although it may overlap responsibility). Accountability refers to acknowledging what happened (both for you and for the other person). It brings out facts (and invites acceptance or correction of such), illustrates cause and effect and consequences, and allows one person to recognize how his actions might affect the other. The obligation in accountability is factual stipulation, but not necessarily liability, control, or management.

  When you report on your whereabouts, your spending, or even your reasoning for certain actions, you are showing accountability. If you witness a car accident in which you weren’t involved, your testimony is accountable, but not responsible.

  You might say, “John, you said you would be home for dinner at 7:00; yet you didn’t get home until 8:15, nor did you call. And this is at least the third time you’ve done this in the past two weeks.” This is a statement of accountability. Assuming you could make such a statement without adding disgruntled emotion, blame, or character assassination (e.g., “It’s just like you to be so uncaring and selfish…”), it’s still likely that John won’t take kindly to being held accountable by a simple presentation of facts. He will probably become defensive, justify or excuse himself, and point out one or more of your oversights or iniquities.

  Rather than degenerate into a typical “blame game,” it’s better to set a constructive stage by explaining that you want to keep each other accountable in order to acknowledge errors, remake broken agreements, and validate the other person’s feelings, expectations, and needs. This kind of interaction takes lots of internal clarity, practice, and (for awhile) much patience and a somewhat thick skin.

  For example, if John becomes irascible, you might say, “Listen, I’m not saying you’re a bad person or that you don’t care or that I don’t care. I’m simply trying to create the space to announce what you did, to let you know how it affected me, and to come up with some acknowledgment, peaceful communication, and a new agreement so that this situation doesn’t repeat itself. I also need to tell you just how I feel, and hopefully, you’ll “get” it, let me know that you have, and that you’ll respond without defending yourself.”

  Balancing accountability with generosity and flexibility in your expectations involves drawing some fine lines between principles that may be clouded by intense emotions, traumas, and beliefs. Such a balance constantly evolves as you benefit from experience and develop a sturdier sense of yourself, compassion for others, and a deeper knowledge of the legitimate and justifiable limits you set that nurture healthier relationships.

  Given the ambiguity of delineating behavioral motivations and feelings, it may seem that adjusting expectations and holding people accountable are at odds with each other. However, this is not so. It’s healthy and compatible to engage in both. Remember that the domain of expectations is private and covert—it’s within you and derives from your perceptions, beliefs, and inner choices. The domain of accountability is externally behavioral and overt—this is demonstrable through interactions between you and your relationship other. Bear in mind, also, that accountability is reciprocal. You should expect to be held accountable for your own actions and their impact on others.

  Once you become familiar with this new level of disclosure, honesty, and assertiveness, you’ll discover higher integrity, a cleaner conscience, and a newfound confidence. You may also notice deeper intimacy and trust between you and those who are truly worthy of your friendship and time.

• Forgiveness

  Forgiveness means giving up any and all claims you may have regarding wrongs or perpetrations done to or against you. To forgive is to pardon somebody for mistakes or wrongdoing. When you forgive, the debt is forever canceled. Nothing remains owing on that wrong or transgression.

  Note that forgiving does not mean forgetting. Forgiving someone doesn’t cause you to have amnesia; but neither does it mean that you continue keeping score. The nature of memory is that emotional memory is different from unemotional memory. You can recall facts or events with varying degrees of accuracy and thoroughness. However, such recollections are not compelling in the way that emotional memories can be. Intense emotional memories can evoke preoccupation and obsession when they are negative or traumatic. When you harbor anger or resentment against someone, or when you feel guilty or ashamed, you could become preoccupied with the uncomfortable or painful thoughts associated with those memories. Forgiveness palliates the pain and discomfort.

  Many people are unable to forgive. This characteristic often has tragic implications. The inability to forgive eats away at health, happiness, and the quality of relationships and contributions. Lack of forgiveness imposes an unnecessary burden; yet so many people live as if that weren’t so. It primarily reflects a spiritual problem, though there are practical anchors that tether the heart to grudges. In order to forgive, you must experience how it feels to be absolved. Not having had this experience of absolution deprives you of the appropriate frame of reference. Compare this to the challenge of learning how to speak when one is deaf. There is no frame of reference or model for how words sound.

  Even though you may have had harrowing experiences, perhaps even having suffered abuse, neglect, or trauma that have left you hurt, angry, resentful, or mistrustful, there is a path to healing through forgiveness that God provides. First, however, you must experience being forgiven.

  To delve deeper into forgiveness and to learn how to forgive, see my book, Living Intact: Challenge and Choice in Tough Times (especially Chapter 4: Developing Self-Control and Compassion, and Chapter 16: Guilt and Forgiveness).

  Practicing forgiveness regularly will invigorate your relationships and bring you cleansing and peace. Forgiveness is a choice you make. However, although you are sovereign in your own choices, forgiveness lacks completeness if it is unilateral—that is, if the person being forgiven does not recognize or receive that forgiveness. True forgiveness seeks acknowledgment and repentance from the guilty party in order to receive the full release that forgiveness brings.

  It’s up to you to do your part. Forgiveness brings blessing to both the one who forgives and the one who is forgiven.

• Traumas and grievances

  Relationship conflicts and dissatisfactions are typically underpinned by unresolved traumas and grievances that are intertwined and frequently unrecognized as such. These topics are explained at length in my essay, Traumas and Grievances in Relationships (Reality Reports: Essays on Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, and Social Issues in the Twenty-First Century, 2018). I will summarize them here:

  Traumas

  A trauma may result from the following:

  1. An injury caused by an extrinsic agent, especially one causing a disturbance in normal functioning.
  2. A psychological shock or severe distress that results from experiencing a disastrous event outside the range of usual experience, such as rape or military combat.
  3. A psychological shock or severe distress that results from experiencing an attack, loss, manipulation, or exploitation of one’s vulnerability.
  4. A disordered psychological or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury.
  5. A violation or a perceived violation of a person’s familiar ideas about the world and their rights.

  The traditional concept of trauma is predicated on an assumption of a catastrophic event outside the range of usual experience. However, trauma encompasses a much broader range of causal situations and is a very common occurrence. Traumas are universal, and they occur intermittently in everyone’s life. Recovering from traumas is necessary for basic physical functioning and mental and emotional health, and can be accomplished routinely by most people (given the right tools, training, and support).

  Trauma occurs when we are caught in an “attack” on one of our “weak links,” whether the attack was intentional, random, or even imagined. The essence of trauma is that it penetrates defenses, seizes upon vulnerability, and leaves us feeling hurt, defenseless, and usually causes us to “relive” in some way the embedded traumatic experience. Common sense observations and the insights and wisdom distilled from your own life experiences will confirm whether you are at the mercy of this destructive but treatable cause and effect link.

  Consider this example: after a vehicle accident or near-accident, many people habitually tend to tense up when reminders or even vaguely similar conditions present themselves, as if girding up for another accident. For instance, suppose you were in an auto accident that really rattled you, perhaps even injured you. For a long time afterward, you might become anxious when approaching the scene of that accident. Or, say the police were pursuing a speeding car that blew through a red light and almost hit your car. Subsequently, you might panic whenever you hear in the distance the sound of a police siren while you are driving. This reaction evokes both physiological (fight-or-flight) and psychological / mental / emotional responses. The set of defensive responses to an anticipated offending event (in the absence of its presence or direct evidence that it will necessarily occur) is called perseveration: responding to an event that is no longer present.

  There are indeed many forms of trauma that occur when people are subjected to harsh conditions, abuse, overwhelming negativity, rejection, racism, isolation, poverty, and so forth. For many people, however, it is overwhelming enough even to have to deal with the more mundane traumas that result from the daily interactions, demands, and conflicts typically associated with ordinary relationships.

  Grievances

  We typically find the word grievance in a formal context, such as a court proceeding or a labor dispute. This is in accordance with living in a rule-based society where there are procedures for petitioning or complaining about violations and transgressions of the established rules.

  A grievance can be:

  1. A feeling of having been treated unfairly.
  2. A reason for complaining or being unhappy with a situation.
  3. A statement in which you say you are unhappy or not satisfied with something.

  In presenting a grievance, the person petitioning or complaining (yes, this word is legitimate) must do two things:

  1. State the relief sought—the compensation, redress, or behavior that will rectify the source of the complaint and render the petitioner “whole.”
  2. Make clear the evidence that shows the violation of rules that has breached rights, entitlement, or integrity (wholeness).
  3. Be prepared (if it is within acceptable limits) to consider a compromise, when and if appropriate, to achieve a negotiated resolution of a grievance.

  Grievances are based upon breaches of contracts or agreements; these breaches are, in essence, violations of rules. Some rules are written into law, while others are commonly accepted by values in the culture of concern.

  For example, if you withhold money from someone or some agency that makes a demand upon you, it is required that you establish a reason for not paying (e.g., failure to perform as promised). It is not sufficient to say that you “feel” that you do not owe the money.

  If a student challenges a grade received, he must reference the basis upon which the grading was made or was said to have been made, and he must match his performance with regard to such standards.

  To expand upon this concept and to make it relevant to your issues and relationships, think of a situation or two in which you believe (and feel) that someone has wronged you. Perhaps a family member treats you poorly or doesn’t respect you. A person disregards your boundaries, takes advantage of you, embarrasses you, or makes you feel diminished. Perhaps you are not given what you are entitled to: affection, intimacy, recognition and acknowledgment, support, credit…

  Perhaps you are not listened to, considered, or given a say. Maybe you are blamed for something that you didn’t do; or, perhaps someone else got off easy when you didn’t.

  Surely we all have strong negative feelings when these things happen to us; and, of course, they happen in the natural course of life, often on a regular basis.

  To break the cycle of frustration and “hitting your head against a wall” in trying to meet your needs and convince those in relationship with you to accede to your wishes, you will need to form the habits and skills involved in clarifying and articulating grievances. To do so effectively, you must get your emotions under control, identify and separate the traumatic, very personalized responses from the merits of your case, and get your relationship partner to the table (or perhaps a forum with a third party) to present evidence of the transgressions against you and the obligation and feasibility of addressing those violations.

  Even when you become skilled in such self-control and interpersonal negotiations, you may not always get what you think you deserve. However, the satisfaction and confidence that accrues from maturely and self-sufficiently dealing with your own overexcitement and negativity will supersede the anguish and frustration of being ignored or mistreated.

  No one likes rejection or mistreatment. We all want to get our own way, and each of us thinks he is right (even when, paradoxically, we may not truly believe in ourselves regarding confidence or self-esteem). Even in the face of intransigence, selfishness, and violation on the part of those who are supposed to honor and care for us (or at least be fair), it is routinely viable to consciously differentiate traumas from grievances, heal our own traumas, and express grievances in a rational, articulate, non-blaming manner, so that the other party can face the real issues and facts without obstructions and the need to resort to defenses in order to ward off drama-laden attacks or runaway emotionality.

  For a step-by-step guide to resolving traumas and grievances, see my book Reality Reports: Essays on Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, and Social Issues in the Twenty-First Century, 2018.

• Letting go

  We’ve all heard the exhortation to “just let go” of grudges, gripes, indignations, and obsessions. That’s easier said than done, of course. We all struggle with the human foibles of wanting to be “right” and vindicated and the tendency to nurse grievances, seek compensation, and keep or even the score.

  Some people are, by nature, more sensitive or obsessive. Others are more easy-going. While temperamental style may present challenges in dismissing offenses, anyone and everyone can learn to let go more easily and fully.

  The advice herein on adjusting expectations, practicing forgiveness, and resolving traumas and grievances facilitates the habit of letting go. But at the end of each episode of life’s indignities aimed at you is the choice you have about how central you’ll allow offences and imperfections to predominate in your attitudes and mindset.

  Letting go takes practice. But fundamentally, it’s an act of submission, acceptance, and yielding to the way the world is (and God wants it to be)—a giving up of your “right” or entitlement to have things work out your way.

  Practicing the art of compromise and learning from your previous experiences that heighten your awareness of your own “stuck” response patterns will help in the letting go process. But ultimately, letting go is an act of the heart—a trust and faith in the idea that God’s wisdom runs the universe well, despite your objections.

  This embrace of humility will bring more peace and harmony to you and your relationships. As you develop the tendency to respond initially with humility, you’ll be less inclined to defend yourself, justify your pride and actions, or inflame the sensitivities of others that could cause bruised feelings, resentments, mistrust, and distance.

• Completeness in yourself

  Of course, we rely on other people to share with, to meet our needs, and to exchange mutual care and affection. We need trustworthy partners and companions to “have our backs,” and we need to feel wanted and important. Relationships integrally serve these purposes.

  To give and receive more fully from relationships, though, we cannot be too needy—that is, we can’t rely on someone else to complete our sense of wholeness—only, ideally, to make wholeness better and deeper. Nor can we really depend upon any other person to validate our identity or to serve as the agent of self-control or self-soothing. No other person can substitute for your own ability to calm your brain, relieve hopelessness or depression, to enable you to sleep and awaken, or to manage your moods and expectations.

  Your self-concept, self-esteem, ego strength and the integrity of your relationships are all interrelated. They feed each other: the stronger and more whole your sense of yourself, the more able you’ll be to relate compassionately, set boundaries, and accept the limitations and indignities shown by others (even from the ones you care for and depend upon). And reciprocally, the better your relationships, the more satisfied and capable you’ll be to relate interpersonally.

There is often a tenuous dance between the virtues of grace, forgiveness, and flexibility and the demands of standards, accountability, responsibility, and need. The hurts and traumas we suffer at the hands of others become conflicted with our deepest needs to be connected. Balancing this without overstrain requires unending compassion, maturity, personal and spiritual growth, and even the ironic recognition of how needy we are, despite are sovereign opinions and strivings for autonomy.

Woody Allen’s story of the delusional brother encapsulates this dichotomy:

A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says, “Hey, doc, my brother’s crazy! He thinks he’s a chicken.”

The psychiatrist says, “Then why don’t you turn him in?”

The man replies, “I would, but I need the eggs.”

Many relationships are dysfunctional, exasperating, confusing, and heartbreaking… but wee need them! It’s worth the time and energy to make your relationships healthier and more rewarding.