Martin Luther King famously said, “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” What a noble and beautiful statement! Dr. King combined literal and metaphorical images to convey how we are perceived and what is inside of us.
I want to talk about skin and character in a different way. My message is not about race; but I have a story for you that relates about race and skin:
As a teenager, concerned about competitive athletics and my body, I was keenly attentive to my muscle development and how I measured against others. My friends and I constantly compared ourselves to each other and to peers. Variations in development notwithstanding, my white friends and I thought that our black age-mates had much better muscle definition than we did. We noticed that the black guys our age—many of whom we worked out with and competed against—appeared to have better pectoral and bicep definition than we did. Their muscles stood out more.
Whether from imagination, envy, or biased projection, our assumption was that African-American males had thinner skin (literally) that gave them an advantage in looking muscular and buff. As a short, stocky Jewish American, my genetics predisposed me to be “thicker” in adipose (and nose and legs and stomach). Oh, how I envied guys who were taller and thinner.
Time and maturity changed my body and mind, of course, as well as my sense of identity and confidence. The intense self-absorption and preoccupation with physical vanity eventually yielded to an adult acceptance of my body, even as it thickened. Face it: we all thicken physically as we age.
Racial and genetic differences aside, I am always concerned with character. Like Dr. King, I hold that character is of utmost importance, and we must strive to evolve and look beyond the racial bias that has oppressed and deprived so many of our fellow humans.
The thickness of skin I mention is not the physical attribute of the derma or underlying tissue, but rather it’s a metaphor describing the ability to keep from getting upset or offended by the behavior or criticism of others. So, tissue is not the issue. When someone is typically unfazed, not defensive, and tolerant, we say that the person has a thick skin.
You know people who display thick skin and thin skin—behaviorally, attitudinally, and emotionally. Some people are gracious, accepting, understanding, tolerant, and forgiving. They have a “thicker skin” with regard to tolerance for misbehavior, intrusion, and selfishness. Others are uptight, hypercritical, unforgiving, indignant, obsessive, and easily offended. We notice that these folks are “thin-skinned”—quick to react, easily slighted, supersensitive to perceived missteps or suspicious of others’ intentions.
It’s easier to observe negative characteristics in others than in ourselves; such is the nature of blind spots, ego, and self-absorption. We are admonished to “remove the log from our own eye, before attempting to take out the speck from someone else’s eye.” That is easier said than done because of the proclivity to justify and exalt ourselves. Nonetheless, people have different sensitivities to the behaviors and offenses of others. Each of us is somewhere on a continuum of character that allows for tolerance, forgiveness, sacrifice, understanding, and giving the benefit of the doubt. Some are harsh judges of others, taking umbrage at the slightest deviation from what they deem to be fitting.
Thin-skinned people may be labeled as nitpicking, overly sensitive or “touchy” on certain matters, or other aspersions of character. I use the diagnosis of “RI” or Righteous Indignation. You probably haven’t heard of this diagnosis before—that’s because I invented it! Righteous Indignation captures the symptomatic essence of a disposition that routinely takes umbrage and offense, casting the behaviors and motivations of others in a least favorable light. Most of us can recognize some glimmerings of this tendency in ourselves (if we are honest in self-examination); but, it’s a matter of degree that determines how pervasively or detrimentally this tendency exerts itself in daily life and relationships. Living in Righteous Indignation skews perceptions, feelings, and attitudes toward your being right and the world being wrong. It’s a lonely and often misguided frame of reference.
It is, of course, vanity, egocentrism, entitlement, and self-justification that contributes to thin-skinned oversensitivity to what the world does to us, not getting what we want, and to the perception of offense and irritation by others. From a neuropsychological brain perspective, people who take things too personally often have dysfunction to some degree in the right hemisphere, along with a history of trauma. The narrowness of perception and immediate defensiveness that characterizes thin skin reactions disallows the flexibility to consider alternative explanations of possible intentions and motivations to interpret someone’s behavior that may seem offensive.
There are ways to become less reactive, less put upon, less sensitive to the misdeeds, attitudes, and intrusions of others. Paradoxically, as you become less “oversensitive” in taking things personally, you will become more compassionate and sympathetically sensitive to the foibles and needs of others. You will increase in recognition that there are points of view and perceptions different from your own. And, as you become less emotionally invested in the outcome (that is, winning or being right), you will find it easier to forgive, step aside, and extend consideration.
Consider the following to develop a thicker psychological skin:
We all have defenses that may spring into action to help and protect us from threat or danger. If we are criticized, verbally attacked, or provoked, it can be automatic to lash out, return a sarcastic comment or admonishment, or to internally run a narrative that berates and casts a negative outlook. Where there is an underlying attitude of negativity or negative forecasting, victimhood, or self-pity (why me?), even ordinary frustrations (such as traffic, schedule delays or changes) can launch defensive, oversensitive, or critical reactions.
A good first step to changing aversive and unproductive responses is to monitor your habitual reactions when things don’t go your way. It’s easy to see this in others, but it takes practice to identify it in yourself. Are you easily upset by changes in routine? Do you overreact when things don’t go as planned or someone disappoints you? Are you routinely frustrated by people failing to follow through or meet your expectations? Are you agitated by others not considering you or meeting your needs?
As you more clearly identify these tendencies, you’ll be better able to take steps to avoid automatic emotional responses. Negative feelings are natural, although they are typically unwelcome and problematic. But having lousy feelings doesn’t mean you have to act on them or continue to nurse them. One of the goals for overcoming negativity is to develop flexibility so that you have more choice over your behaviors and what you do with those unpleasant feelings. Self-awareness is a crucial foundation.
By the way: it’s okay not to like these tendencies in yourself. You don’t have to hate yourself—just confront these personal flaws (we all have them) and feel worthy about holding yourself accountable. This kind of honesty is liberating and paves the way for positive change.
Everybody has “hot buttons” and things that unduly excite us. These can be linked to previous traumas, personal values and beliefs, or the accumulation of unresolved frustrations and conflicts. Some people, though, have lower self-esteem and self-confidence. These individuals have a predisposition to take things more personally, consider themselves unworthy or disadvantaged, perceive situations and interactions as threatening or critical, and generally interpret things with a heightened sensitivity—in other words, react in a thin-skinned manner.
With intention and practice, anyone (and especially thin-skinned folks) can become better at separating an emotional reaction or belief from considering (and investigating) possibilities for alternate interpretations of someone else’s behavior. For example, if someone doesn’t show up for an appointment or engagement, instead of automatically concluding negative assumptions about the person or yourself, you might consider that they had some emergency or interruption that precluded keeping the meeting. Perhaps even consider that the other person felt bad about missing the meeting, too. It’s possible that the other party cared and felt conflicted, that you weren’t dismissed, and that there’s more to the story than you may at first have considered. Tempering your instinctive reaction allows you to calm down, preserve your integrity, and investigate the mishap with less reactive emotions or criticism. Asking what happened (without sulking, blaming, or overreacting) may enlighten you about why you were stood up.
People tend to behave in repetitive (and usually predictable) ways. The generous person tends to be generous, the angry person becomes easily inflamed, the passive person avoids, etc. People who are routinely undiplomatic, critical, intrusive, or inconsiderate have adopted and practiced these behaviors. It is likely part of their character formation, woven into their repertoires, consciously or otherwise. Inconsiderate or offensive people may be acting “in character” for them. Recognizing this does not stop the hurt they may inflict, but it can help you to minimize taking it too personally and also to widen your perspective and options about how to respond (or not respond).
When someone attacks me with criticism or blame, I restrain myself emotionally and behaviorally and deliver this well-rehearsed response:
“Hey, Joe, I can see that you’re really upset with me and that you think I did something very wrong… but I want to understand more clearly: what specifically did I do that has you so upset?”
And…
“I may be misinterpreting this (I’ve been known to do so before), but I feel very hurt by what you said. Perhaps I’m taking this the wrong way—help me understand—is it your intention to hurt me? Because that’s how I’m taking it—perhaps not the way you meant it. So, before I respond and try to make things better, I just want to know if it’s your desire to hurt me.”
This kind of response will often soothe the other person, position me (or you) in a receptive favorable light, and pave the way for more amenable interactions.
Similarly, changes in schedule, unforeseen interruptions, traffic jams, bad weather, accidents, rude people, and out-of-stock items does not mean the world is out to get you.
So, the universe is not operating according to your wishes. Things are unfair, the cards are stacked, and people are jerks. Light dust settles on dark surfaces, and dark dust settles on light surfaces. The natural world seems out to get you, and life is often upside down.
I get it: I often feel that way, too. I have uncomfortably natural (but perversely delicious) tendencies to be sarcastic, feel sorry for myself, and inwardly exalt my “good guy” virtues over the incompetents I see around me. (I deplore that about myself, although it’s gotten much better over the years.) Here’s what helps:
It’s a sobering reality to realize that you are not the center of the universe. We know that in logic—but in emotion, behavior, and hubris, it’s difficult to maintain in practice.
It is, of course, natural and human to become flustered, impatient, and desirous of self-interest and gratification.
I’ve taken it upon myself to interpret that every time I become irritated, resentful, or critical of something not going my way, that is an expression of my pride, self-exaltation, and attitude that God is not running the world the right way. I must do this to stop in its tracks my prideful, self-important, irritated reactions… and because it’s also the truth: how dare I controvert what God has put in my path!
Now, I’m not claiming to sweetly embrace adversity. I react, mostly inwardly; and I occasionally stew. But, I have learned and improved. I know that I am a small matter in the universe, but I am quite worthy and important. And, so are you!
So, I carry on and seek to muffle my trumpets and sirens of self-importance. I am loved, good enough, and trying to be better. I minimize the impact of the well-meaning individuals and also the scoundrels who cross me. I pray for them and realize that God loves them, too. I know that God wants to bring difficult souls to their senses, and I consider that he might want to use me as part of his plan, even when I object. It helps.
It’s rare for someone to seek therapy in order to become more forgiving and sacrificing. Most people want to reduce symptoms, get through crises, resolve conflict, and get others to change. This is reasonable. However, often when someone achieves positive change through treatment, it’s not only the complaints and symptoms that resolve. Tolerance, acceptance, good decision-making, and outlook on life also improve. I’ve observed that this is particularly true when the interventions include technological methods that improve the brain’s ability to develop a thicker skin. With these tools, it’s routine that people come in for symptom relief—which they get—but leave also with personal transformation. And this improves character.
Developing a thicker skin makes you more beautiful and more resilient. It is the solution for emotional aging (and it’s good to grow emotionally older).
No callouses, no dermal conditioners, emollients, collagen, or medical procedures. Psychologically, the thickness of your skin is a measure of the maturity and refinement of your character. Having a thick skin without being overreactive or judgmental is compatible with holding others accountable. You do without taking things personally, still keep a record of others’ missteps, but “pretend” to forget them in the interests of building trusting and positive relationships.
Living with Righteous Indignation requires a storehouse of cabinets to contain the wrongs committed by other people and an uncooperative world. Even if you have made such room, it’s best to leave those cabinets unopened. Let things go, and watch your psychological skin become supple, resilient, and more attractive.
There’s an old saying: If you harbor a grudge against someone for mistreating you, he may get over it, but you won’t.
We should regard other people with an eye toward cutting them some slack, for seeking opportunities to give people the benefit of the doubt, and for practicing restraint and forgiveness. Have you ever experienced the refreshing pleasure of apologizing to someone for your overstepping, only to have that person shrug it off and show you that no harm or offense was taken? Wouldn’t you like that nonchalance to be characteristic of you?
We are talking about not sweating the small stuff—and most of what annoys us is small stuff. Even the big stuff can be overlooked. Grow a thicker skin and you will be beautifully rejuvenated. Others will notice, regardless of your skin color or the ways it sticks to your body.
Now, if only I could get the skin on my abdomen a bit thinner…
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
