It is said that “no man is an island.” This adage implies that, as a species, human beings are not “wired” to live in isolation. We need others to survive and flourish, materially and emotionally. In fact, one of the most dreaded last-resort punishments that the penal system can inflict on chronically recalcitrant prisoners is to impose an extended stay in solitary confinement. Even those inmates who are habituated to doing “hard time” and who appear inured to all types of sanctions have been known to tremble visibly at the prospect of facing the loneliness, despair, and sensory deprivation that this punishment entails.
Though not physically imprisoned, many of us may feel isolated, misunderstood, and not really connected or truly known. We may even feel isolated while at the same time feeling paradoxically crowded. It is as if we’re on a tiny island surrounded by people, with no escape or recourse, and without connection or support.
In this information age with its global connections, omnipresent databases, instant communications, and ubiquitous social media, it seems that relationships and communications are increasingly superficial and remote. Innovations such as Skype, texting, e-mail, and other digital interfaces provide instant and widespread “communication.” Yet, real (and “real time”) communication—soul to soul—seems ironically harder to establish.
Part of the drift is that we are so busy. Global interconnections allow contact in ways that were not possible decades ago; so, in a sense, most of us have expanded networks that make access more available, even if we already cannot keep pace with the immediacy and expanse of people we know at a distance.
With the advent of the Internet, voicemail, and smartphones, we are now more than a generation beyond the time lag of “snail mail.” But the “technospeak” of this era is not the problem. People can also sit face-to-face and still hide behind facades and avoidance.
When my children were young (before Facebook), we engaged in discussions and arguments about what defined “friends”—my kids claiming that video gaming partners or opponents on the Internet were their friends (often known only by their screen names). I insisted that in order to qualify as a friend, the person had to be occasionally proximal, so you could smell each other (the so-called “sniff-test”).
Not that we humans operate in the same way as nonverbal mammals… but the point is that friendship requires presence and proximity that virtual identities and avatars cannot provide.
The arguments regarding effects of technology on dividing us or bringing us closer together are not of concern here. My intent is to address the fundamentals of quality and purposeful human interactions that develop meaningful and satisfying relationships, as well as meeting the human longing to really know people and to be really known.
We can know people at different levels. There is a biblical context for knowing that is tantamount to sexual intimacy. We can know someone tangentially, as in “I know Bill; we had lunch together (or met at a conference).” We can know people in the sense of recognizing their likes, dislikes, and motivations. We might easily and accurately predict their reactions in different situations.
However, to really know someone at a level of depth and intimacy requires certain aspects of contact, interaction, and time. To really know someone, you should be able to apprehend the following information that characterizes and describes that person’s essential qualities, needs, and tendencies:
Comprehension of communication, verbal and nonverbal
Basic to human interaction is verbal exchange. Though other types of communication are also important, language lets us know the details and experiences, facts and feelings of fellow humans. Getting to know someone requires paying attention to what he says. Though this may seem profoundly obvious, it’s not always easy to listen attentively, quietly, and consistently. We are full of noise, internal narratives, and objections in our own mind. We anticipate what the speaker may say next (typically, we’ve heard it before), and this leads to dismissiveness, silent objections, or interruptions. Thus, we often don’t fully hear what’s being said.
Additionally, many people—folks important to us—have confused minds, disorganized or garbled expressive styles, and emotional tension that infuses and blurs the messages. It’s critically important to hear the verbal message and to interpret the words in the context of what accompanies the words in body and emotional language—not easy tasks and not always straightforward!
Intuition about needs and motivation
Along with hearing someone’s words, it helps to gather your own gut-level feelings about what the person needs and what needs, values and energies motivate him. Essentially, let him know that you “get” what matters to him and that it also matters to you.
Regardless of how intuitive or people-savvy you are, these are skills and habits that can be learned and honed, in part by paying conscious attention to them.
Appreciation of traumas and negative emotions (fears)
Most people have little understanding or awareness of the extent to which traumas and negative emotions drive them. These unresolved (and sometimes underlying) conflicts, terrors, and overwhelming emotions intrude upon interactions, relationships, self-control, peace, and productivity. Though it’s not the responsibility of the non-professionally trained to alleviate these conditions, becoming understanding and empathetic about the pervasive counter-productive behavioral effects of these embedded traumas and underlying unresolved issues can facilitate and enhance the quality of your interpersonal communication, support, compassion, and tolerance.
Awareness of desires, goals, and dreams
Everyone has desires, dreams, fantasies, and things to accomplish. Sometimes, people will reveal them; but more often than not, they keep desires and wants (often frustrated) close to the chest. So you will have to gradually get them to open up as you build trust and develop rapport. It often helps to model disclosure by briefly sharing some of your own wishes and objectives and then gently invite your listener to share his, if he so desires.
“Hey, Bill, what you said reminds me of my own desire to be closer with and better understood by my brother. What are some important things that you would ideally want other people to realize or understand about you?”
Compassion for others’ vulnerabilities
To be born into this world induces vulnerabilities and suffering. The dynamics are universal and transcend cultures. We are neurologically wired to feel pain, experience sensitivities, and thus develop the capacity for empathy and compassion. This is the glue that connects us with other sentient beings and with a divine presence in an awe-inspiring and overwhelming universe.
If you want to really get to know someone, you must be interested, sensitive, and non-manipulative regarding his vulnerabilities and sore spots. This requires tact, sensitivity, and genuine caring. You must resist coming across as being highly judgmental, dogmatic, self-centered, and/or dismissive. Openness and self-disclosure may pave the way and break down defenses. How consciously and routinely do you do this in your relationships?
Awareness of trust dynamic
The more someone trusts and feels comfortable with you, the more he will disclose and let you see his “real” self. People are necessarily self-protective—sometimes to an extreme or dysfunctional degree. A good observer can covertly penetrate defenses and obtain information about someone with less than his full awareness of what’s being disclosed. With such skill comes a humane responsibility to discern and use the information to build trust and comfort, rather than for manipulative or exploitative ends. So many people have been burned, betrayed, and misled, and they are understandably cautious about too much self-revelation. Others come from cultures in which self-revelation and a discussion of intimate issues are frowned upon. Learn to recognize the initial boundaries. If you calibrate your pacing (i.e., don’t trigger resistance by rushing the process), these boundaries will probably dissipate as trust and rapport develop. You must do your best to create, project, and preserve your trustworthiness and convey your fidelity leisurely and without intensity so that you do not overwhelm the person you are trying to get to know on a less superficial level.
Ability to see through masks and solicit disclosures
I’ve outlined some dynamics underlying the development of knowledge, meaningful communication, trust, and intimacy if you want to get to know someone on a more profound level. Given that people are generally mistrustful and self-protective (and many are accustomed to avoidant, limited, or dissatisfying relationships), it’s up to you to take the lead in pushing beyond the facades and pretenses offered in superficial interactions.
You can know someone for several minutes or many years, and yet still face the boundaries and obstacles of pretense and guardedness. You can’t force someone to let you in. But you can let it be known that you have care and interest.
One way to communicate that you know there is more to that person than meets the eye is to push beyond the surface “story” to get at the core feelings and message underlying what the other person is really saying. Many people will initiate a disclosure or respond to questions by telling a “story” that explains the history or justifies feelings, predicaments, and complaints. These versions do not contribute to transitive communications in getting to know someone. Instead, they are offered (usually without conscious realization) as substitutes for core experiences and intimate feelings. In pushing beyond someone’s story, it’s important to distinguish the contextual difference between patiently hearing an intimate disclosure of a profound enlightenment or turning point (e.g. a spiritual awakening or startling realization about the true nature of a relationship or someone’s character) and the parade of excuses or justifications the person has for why he is the way he is or feels the way he feels.
It’s often difficult and murky to differentiate the two, especially in real-time interactions. Often, people need to just be listened to and heard, and to have their communications completed by acknowledgment and validation. It’s frequently appropriate to listen patiently and respond with something like, “Gee, Janet, thanks so much for making the effort to express yourself in that way to me. It helps me to understand you better and to value your experience and trust.”
Alternatively, if you get the sense that someone is justifying their predicament with “reasons,” you might inquire deeper with “I understand there are reasons contributing to your feelings and dilemma; but tell me, please, your bottom line feelings and beliefs about yourself, the other people, and the situation, rather than what led up to what’s so now.”
How, then, do you get beneath the surface and beyond the pleasantries and prescribed superficial social etiquette? As mentioned, getting to know someone takes time, contact, and repeated interactions. You can learn about a person from his habits, production, associations, etc., but none of those observations are enough to grasp the person’s essence and to establish meaningful connection.
Getting to know someone for real requires work, focus, skill, and risk. Both you and the person you seek to know have vulnerabilities, cautions, and defenses. There are opposing interests always at play: on the one hand, letting your guard down and having someone know you can expose weaknesses, sensitivities, and emotional baggage and could leave you open to manipulation or exploitation. On the other hand, living without deep and reliable emotional connections is destined to make your life shallow, less meaningful, and ultimately unfulfilling.
There are no reliable formulas for really getting to know someone. Ultimately, it requires initiative, desire, intuition, opportunity, receptiveness, and “chemistry.”
It takes two to tango. The strategies and tools that have been described do not guarantee success in creating a satisfying, meaningful, and deeper relationship. They just improve the chances.
Several additional factors can also influence the outcome and can either support or work at cross-purposes with your efforts to establish a more profound relationship and real communication with another person. These include:
Interest
Interest in another person is the lifeblood of getting to really know that person. For example, someone who is narcissistic can reveal a lot, but unless you are truly interested, your interest in this person will quickly wane. Also, even though self-absorbed people are prone to egocentrically filter out what they don’t want to hear, see, or acknowledge, they will sense your lack of attention and engagement, thus curtailing their willingness to share with you.
Life is stage of colorful and fascinating characters. You only have time for a limited number of them, so you must use your efforts and time wisely.
Intention
We cannot make most things happen simply by wanting or willing them into fruition. While much of what happens is beyond individual control, your part in producing results includes focus and earnest desire. This willingness (backed by thought, emotion, and action) constitutes intention. You must apply your spirit and will, even though a specific plan may be still evolving. In getting to know someone deeply, intention is necessary, but often not sufficient. And, as previously stated, there are no guarantees.
Observation
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of becoming an astute observer. Developing this talent will get you through life with wisdom and fewer mistakes, as well as facilitate and enhance your ability to really get to know people. Keen observation is the cornerstone of science, common sense, practical wisdom, and intuition. Using your natural five senses deliberately and judiciously helps to develop a “sixth sense” that sharpens your people reading skills and heightens your intuition.
The key in useful and accurate observation is to practice separating your own emotions and investment in outcomes from the perceptions and notations of what occurs. The necessary objectivity doesn’t mean that you don’t care; it means that you acquire data that are independent of your emotional investment or self-interest. This requires a lot of practice; but few skills are as valuable, productive, and generalizable.
In getting to know someone, you must practice collecting information about who he is, rather than who you wanted or expected him to be.
Study
Keen observation requires practice along with studying the attributes and habits of people. Collecting information (both verbal and nonverbal) is necessary, but not enough. In order to form a more complete picture, the information you acquire must be interpreted and placed in context of a person’s typical or predictable behavior.
Of course, you can observe someone’s habits; and this may lead you to fairly accurate hunches about what that individual will do in a given situation. Here’s a useful tip for organizing such information: when someone acts in an unexpected or dissatisfying way, ask yourself: is this behavior in character or out of character for what I know about him? Be careful about prejudicial assumptions based upon your displeasure (e.g., “John always flakes out.”) or making excuses for repeated transgressions. Simply notice whether the behavior is typical or atypical of what you know about him. Is this person frequently late? Or, is he maybe commonly hysterical or blaming? Perhaps such an occurrence is unusual. Either way, a keen assessment can guide you to a better understanding of that person’s nature and more appropriate responses to him.
Disclosure
As mentioned, an earnest, diplomatic degree of self-disclosure often encourages another person to let down his guard, share personal information, and let you in on who he really is. Even his limited disclosure can provide you with ancillary information to make your own picture of him more complete and complex. People have different sides, and it is hard for many individuals to understand themselves. Providing information on yourself and your inner ambivalences may facilitate disclosure and trust from the person you’re trying to get to know. Tell others about yourself as a method of modeling and building trust. Be personal, but discreet. Don’t overwhelm with too much gritty detail. Be sure to punctuate your disclosure with candor about your own feelings and how comfortable you are with them. It’s okay to acknowledge and reveal inner conflicts. Everyone has them.
Most of us would endorse the desire to have meaningful, close relationships. We want interactions with others that brim with openness, honest, and integrity. For many, there’s an assumption that if only we could get to know the real person we are communicating and trying to relate to, things would be better or more satisfying.
Experience and prudence have taught me that getting to know someone truly can have downsides. You may be disturbed, turned off, or quite disappointed in the person about whom you had constructed hopes or illusions. This can prove true for close loved ones as well as for people you interact with in everyday life and may want to know better.
Many people have inflated self-images and notions of self-worth. It’s hard to get to know them and to communicate on realistic terms because of their narcissistic egos. This is a deflating limitation for intimacy and equitable give-and-take relationships. As a dear friend of mine wryly quipped, “I’d like to buy you for what you’re really worth and sell you for what you think you’re worth.” A cynical witticism, perhaps, but it captures the essence of grand self-delusions.
On the other hand, so many folks suffer from poor self-esteem, shattered constructs of who they are, and self-images that compare poorly with the consensual opinions and reports of those who “know” them. We develop a sense of authentic identity and adequacy over time and by testing out and registering our effectiveness and reality orientation through interactions, feedback, and relationships with others.
I’m reminded of two classic statements from well-known actors. Richard Chamberlain, a former heartthrob who appeared in movies, the Shogun series, and as the star of the old television series, Dr. Kildare, said, “If you really, really got to know me, you wouldn’t like me.”
And Sally Field, the award-winning movie star, said in her Oscar acceptance speech, “I’m amazed—you like me. You really, really like me!”
Who is to conclusively assess what kind of people Richard Chamberlain and Sally Field really are; and, of course, judgment and attraction are in the eyes of beholders and the unique relationships each has with others.
Overcoming the “islands” that individuate and separate us, fighting the loneliness that lurks in existence, and building close, genuine relationships in a world of ever-blooming pretense and superficiality—these are among the valuable endeavors that make life worth living.
Just don’t be surprised by the work it takes and the revelation that sometimes, the more you get to know someone, the more disheartening that knowledge may be.
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
