We all want things for others: family, people we care about, those we work with professionally, and those in the larger communities with whom we interact. For the ambitious and perhaps influential, wanting good for others may extend beyond immediate contacts to include a desire to change the world for the better.
Conservatively, we can assume that what’s most important is to exert a positive influence and provide direction and guidance for the ones with whom we have the most involvement and emotional investment. Naturally, this centers around immediate family and those relationships we treasure—people for whom we are responsible and to whom, for various reasons, we feel committed. Children, parents, partners, siblings, friends come to mind; but this sphere of concern may also include offering professional care, mentoring, and individuals who capture our interest and elicit our desire to help.
Folded into the desire to benefit others is the assumption that what we know and recommend is good or better for them than what they are doing. Naturally, we think we know what is best! Obviously, others don’t always agree. (How short-sighted of them!)
In situations where others respect and value our opinions, we may initially get agreement, acceptance, and perhaps even buy in. Often, there will be lukewarm reactions or resistance to our benevolent and informed suggestions. Sometimes, to placate and avoid conflict, they will agree and seem to commit, only to result in lack of follow-through. Many times, they will sincerely appreciate our guidance, but not do what is suggested. The many factors why others don’t implement our sage advice (motivation, disorganization, lack of belief, etc.) do not dissipate the frustration we feel about trying to help and being rebuffed or dismissed.
Here’s the problem: We/you want what’s good for them more than they do! It is indeed frustrating. Why can’t they just understand that they will be better off when they follow our advice?
In some situations, our relationship with those we want to influence involves a position of power or at least significant sway—such as parents to children, doctors to patients, coaches to athletes or clients. In these relationships, those touting advice or influence must navigate the boundaries of excess pressure, resentment, and potential resistance or avoidance. With others in more tangential relationships, it would be inappropriate to continue to remind. What’s common to these situations, regardless of the intensity, intimacy, or power in the relationship is the attendant and continuing frustration that occurs when we—benevolently—want better outcomes more than those for who we want them.
Thus, we are left wanting.
Ultimately, every individual makes choices. Many choices are deliberate but sometimes they are made passively or in abstention. The accumulation of choices yields consequences, habits, and eventually molds into character. Each of us is responsible for our own lives, even if we are compelled or coerced to certain degrees by others and the rules in our society.
Most of the time—especially with adults—we cannot tell or compel them to follow our advice. When they don’t comply and we are frustrated in our benevolent intentions, what then?
Others’ reactions to our well-intentioned exhortations may meet with acknowledgment, passive acceptance, questions or arguments, or rejection. To avoid conflict, they may nod their head or perhaps agree to the proposed advice. Their follow-through or lack thereof is another matter.
Nevertheless, we must be prepared for the likelihood that good advice probably won’t be readily embraced or followed.
As the saying goes, “You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.” Thus, we must anticipate that wanting what’s good for others my be ignored, dismissed, or rebuffed. To allay our own frustrations and be realistic about the limits of our influence, consider the following ways to handle the impasse:
The problem of wanting more and better for others while they seem to want it less for themselves is a natural function of thinking we know best and allowing others to have different views and assert their own choices. Good intentions, wisdom, and experience don’t reliably carry the day for others. This is especially frustrating when what you want is to give something to them or help them.
This reality is a sobering reminder of our own desires to control, be appreciated, and the stark need to set and obey boundaries in what we can and should do for others. It is humbling to understand our limitations and capacity to influence. Setting such boundaries is necessary to respect the autonomy of others and to moderate our own desire for power or compromising the sovereignty that others must exert in their own lives. Navigating these delicate boundaries helps us grow and recognize the limitations of benevolence. It also helps keep us in line so as not to overstep or offend.
To be left wanting is an exercise in frustration tolerance, a reminder of humility, vulnerability, and the willingness to endure and sustain imperfect relationships.
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
