We are born with the innate need to form relationships. Biologically wired for interdependence with others, our survival and satisfaction depend upon the development of human relationships: the interacting, giving, and taking that nourish and sustain health, cooperation, and social life.
Relationships are essential, and they depend upon attachment—a kind of “mammalian superglue” that bonds us to others in support of surviving and thriving. Throughout life, we form numerous connections with others, many transient and others enduring. Some relationships are merely transactional (getting things done in the course of daily life), and some carry deep and lasting emotional impact. We even form relationships with our enemies and adversaries, in that the experiences and interactions are negatively emotionally charged.
Consider the importance of relationships: without meaningful ties to others, we would be lone wolves on a terrain of competition and isolation, reduced to a series of biological drives for basic survival. The core underpinning and sustaining force that enables relationships is attachment: the ability to bond emotionally with others.
In the human species, as in many other species, during the vital primary months of development, babies attach themselves to their mothers physically, neurologically, and emotionally. Thus, a powerful bond is created beginning in utero. Infants are genetically programmed to depend on this core relationship and to anticipate that their needs will be noticed and met. It is from this repeated expectation of needs fulfillment that their sense of trust evolves, security becomes predictable, and confidence builds. This process of reliance, of course, continues throughout early childhood, middle childhood, adolescence, and beyond in stages and phases that are biologically and culturally determined.
This biological and social bond is a foundation of evolution and nature. It is what makes parents fiercely protective and possessive and what enables children to thrive and learn about the world and people. From earliest experiences, children form notions of what to anticipate and how their overtures will be received. They accumulate experiences that tell them about themselves and where they fit in (or do not belong). They learn what behaviors will get attention and gratification and how likely they are to be successful and satisfied. In other words, the child-as-mathematician acquires predictive skills about the probability of success in gaining what’s needed and wanted.
To restate: we grow developmentally into attachment through very early nurturing and dependence upon caretakers in infancy, principally a mother or surrogate mother figure. The infant is fed, swaddled, nurtured, protected, cared for touched, cleaned, played with, and loved. Through this attention, safety, and security, the child experiences and learns that needs will be met, that life is somewhat safe and predictable. Early expectations about reliability and security are formed. As the child matures through the stages of development, he forms attachments beyond the central mother figure. Life and interests expand beyond food and mother’s attention. The growing human gradually begins to form an identity and regard himself in relation to others. In psychoanalytic theory, this is called object relations—a necessary part of psychological development.
Attachment is a vital though imperfect process. Its trajectory facilitates emotional connection, empathy and compassion, social adhesion, and the abilities necessary for social relationships. When attachment goes well, it empowers the child to differentiate himself from the mother figure and progressively move toward independence and relative self-sufficiency. The child’s brain and nervous system become adept at self-soothing and self-regulation. He is increasingly able to withstand adversity, absence, deprivation, uncertainty and ambiguity, and eventual sacrifice. Self-control and reasonable risk-taking and tolerance develop from trial-and-error experiences built upon expecting and attaining success, gratification, protection, and security.
That is, if things progress well and normally. However, there is much that can interfere with and derail this natural process.
When attachment is ruptured or impeded, the consequences can be devastating. Early deprivation often results in a nervous system that cannot effectively quiet itself. This leads to heightened arousal—a fight-or-flight response—as the default state of the brain, causing the individual to be overly vigilant, restless, defensive, and lacking in the capacity to trust and form attachments. An absent, detached, or preoccupied mother leaves a child with primal experiences of neglect, abandonment, and loss. The child learns to expect hardship and perceive the environment and its people as threatening and unsatisfying. It becomes enduringly difficult and burdensome to draw close to people, and the skills of satisfying behavior exchange are not practiced and refined.
Studies of the brain show that the right hemisphere does most of the registration and processing of the nonverbal world, including primitive needs and the range of emotions. Functions including body awareness, self-perceptions, emotional regulation, nonverbal interpersonal space, and sensations are largely governed by the right hemisphere (which, of course, is integrated with and interpreted by the left hemisphere, the brain region responsible for logic analysis information coding, language processing, and the “story line narrative” that helps to define and make sense of experiences and sequences).
Certain experiences (or lack thereof) can interfere with right hemispheric development and functioning, thereby curtailing or stifling the natural process of emotional attachment.
Children who spend their early years in orphanages—where they are often neglected and deprived of adequate early mothering—are at great risk and likelihood to develop dysfunctional attachment. The diagnosis of reactive attachment disorder is sometimes used to describe a syndrome of emotional and behavioral problems characterized by failure to bond, acting out, extreme defensiveness, and lack of compassion or empathy. Though growing up in Spartan or harsh orphanage environments is not the only source of attachment problems, these children are notably vulnerable to emotional disregulation that results in attachment and relationship maladaptation.
The lack of early nurturing and proper attention makes the brain develop rigidity, defensiveness, heightened neurological arousal, and hypervigilance (particularly affecting the right cerebral hemisphere), as the young child’s brain perceives the world as a threatening and unrewarding place. The brain is unable to “let down its guard” to trust and exchange affection and emotive sensitivity. Such development sets the stage for a potential lifetime of mistrust, guardedness, fight-or-flight as the brain’s default mode, and the susceptibility to substance abuse and other poor behaviors in the attempt to calm down and feel satisfied.
Orphanage upbringing is but one severe example of experiences that can disengage the brain (and person) from functional and satisfying attachment.
Many kinds of trauma also impact abilities to bond and emotionally attach. Neurological brain studies often reflect abnormalities that correlate with historical accounts of traumas. One need not rely on colorful computer images to determine the effects of trauma, but they often correlate with continuing dysfunction and histories suffered and reported by patients.
Traumas can result from violence and assault, embattled environments (geopolitically and within families), and in the course of routine relationships—divorce, abuse, bullying, and manipulation, to name a few. Abuse, betrayal, and heightened disappointment can erode at trust and the willingness to make oneself vulnerable, even at the cost of loneliness and isolation.
Accidental or repetitive negative brain impact can also deteriorate the brain’s attachment capacity, just as cognitive and self-control functions may also become impaired. Head injuries, drugs and alcohol, surgeries, and even medications can have adverse effects that limit or degrade attachment functions.
Compassion and empathy are necessary ingredients for the functional flow of human relationships. Inadequate development or subsequent degradation can have devastating effects.
There are legion testimonials, anecdotal and scientific, describing the differences between male and female brains. I will refrain from digressive elaboration (both humorous and technical) about male/female stereotypes, and refer you to the copious scientific literature and/or comedy specials to fortify or reinforce your knowledge and beliefs about men and women.
I broach the topic in the context of the often cited stereotype that females are more naturally given to emotional sensitivity and flexibility than men. According to this tenet, we could logically deduce that females carry the burden of emotional attachment in the vast arena of human relationships. Regardless of the evidence—observational, anecdotal, and statistical—about better female development/capacity in the emotional realm, emotional interest and sentience is but one significant factor in the brain’s ability to practice attachment. Even if you take the stereotypes for granted, consider that males routinely bond with other males at work, on teams, with families, in varied sexual affinities, and also with animals. The ability to form attachments with living beings transcends brain differences and preferences between the sexes.
There are clear population differences statistically and observably between and among males and females with regard to language and social skills compared to mechanical and visuospatial abilities. Exceptions and androgynous crossovers notwithstanding, the majority of males tend to develop and prefer competence and comfort with systems and things, whereas the majority of females tend to develop and prefer competence and comfort with verbal abilities, social skills, and empathizing. Though there are many individual differences, numerous scientific studies over generations have found distinct sex differences along the people versus things dimension.
If you are interested in a superb and comprehensive contemporary overview of this topic, I highly recommend the recent work of Charles Murray in his book, Human Diversity: The Biology of Gender, Race, and Class.
The important point I wish to make is this: despite the documented differences between males and females, neurocognitive and personality differences distributed along gender lines do not determine or reflect an individual’s brain capacity to bond and form emotional attachments. There is neither advantage to the tall person or short person, in this regard, nor to the artist or engineer in the matter of forming emotional attachments.
As far as attachment is concerned, our brains are more responsive to proper affective development, self-regulation and cortical integration than to gender prone cognitive and emotional differences. Can you reasonably answer the question: who loves their partner or dog more, men or women?
Though classic examples of the roots of attachment disorder abound (such as scandalous eastern European orphanages or drug-addicted, prostituting, or absent mothers), it would be simplistic to reduce attachment problems to early childhood harsh or adverse conditions. The larger problem is that children can perceive neglect and deprivation, even when their needs would seem to be routinely met and material and emotional resources abundantly provided. The youngster who is jealous of attention given to a sibling, the victimization by bullying or ridicule, the busy schedules or travel by parents, or the inherent alienation that can develop when a child feels he doesn’t measure up can progressively harden his heart and stultify his ability to form healthy attachments. It is also the nature of human sinfulness that contributes to character flaws that might include a sense of entitlement—beliefs and feelings that all we desire is rightfully due to us. Thus, when these desires are not granted or are taken away, the resulting frustration becomes overwhelming and morphs into reality distortion, resentment, and behaviors that are disproportionate to the situation. This sets the stage for a self-aggrandizing sense of entitlement to develop, and potentially for narcissism to ensue.
In some cases, children who are very emotionally needy become too attached. These youngsters become overly anxious and have trouble separating from their parents due to excessive fearfulness and dependence. Given the multitude and probability of factors that can sabotage attachment, it is astounding that the necessary process ever happens. However, attachment flourishes regularly, for it is the norm. As such, it is resistant to most intrusions, once it has had a chance to take root. The ability to form attachments is robust and rewarding; yet it is delicate and intimate, requiring, nourishment, practice, and reinforcement.
Attachment can be damaged by loss. Withdrawal or disappearance of a valued love object (such a house lost in a flood or a book of cherished photos lost in a fire) or a dearly loved family member or cherished friend can have profound negative impact on one’s sense of security and wholeness. The more you have developed and established satisfying and healthy attachments, the less likely you are to disintegrate in the face of loss. Nonetheless, the effects of loss are influenced by degree, perception, and timing. Neediness and vulnerability cannot be calibrated by circumstances, achievements, or the perceptions of others. Onlookers don’t walk in your shoes. Children born of the same genes and raised in the same environments can turn out very differently. One child grows up to be a self-indulgent criminal, whereas a sibling becomes a self-made leader and philanthropist.
Loss is both actual and subjective. It may occur in reality, or it may be perceived to have occurred. It may perseverate (continue and be expanded upon) beyond and, sometimes, in the absence of a specific event. If you think and/or feel you’re damaged by a loss or cannot go on without something or someone, this outlook will profoundly affect your attitude, coping mechanisms, adaptation responses, and even physical health.
It is the ability to attach that materializes the experience of loss. The precious qualities of loving, needing, connecting with, depending upon, providing for, and experiencing joy and sorrow with another living being carry inherently with them the vulnerability and potential for grief, hurt, loneliness, anguish, and suffering. The very essence of what enables you to find self-actualization and fulfillment by relating to others leaves you exposed and susceptible when what you love is taken away.
Alas, life is full of loss. Eventually, loss touches all of us. God gives and takes away. A family member, a friend, a loved one, a pet, a possession or circumstance may be taken—there are no guarantees that things, people, or relationships will last. And when loss intrudes, the pain can be so great that the inclination to attach, love, depend, and trust can be breached.
As the capacity to form and maintain attachments resides in brain function, various injuries or impairments can also impugn the integrity of attachment. Repeated substance abuse, brain injury, unchecked mental illness, trauma, chronic pain, or sleep deprivation can assault the brain’s natural and developed proclivity to exercise empathy and attachment.
Betrayal is another traumatic experience that mitigates attachment. Varying gradations of betrayal (actual or perceived) eat away at trust and the confidence one places in the hearts and minds of self and others. When the sense of safety and security is breached, the brain reverts into fight-or-flight self protection mode to defend against threat. Attachment necessitates trust.
Life is full of irregularities, accidents, injuries, and traumas. Bad things happen to bodies, minds, and souls. When the natural human function of attachment is breached, what can be done to restore it?
To restore and build attachment, there are both treatment and lifestyle steps to take.
Restoring and developing the brain’s capacity for attachment is facilitated by training the brain with EEG neurofeedback. This intervention has proven highly successful at easing hypervigilance, defensiveness, and fight-or-flight overreactions. My colleagues and I have, for decades, treated thousands of individuals with these syndromes and symptoms. We’ve achieved striking results with children with reactive attachment disorder and similar conditions, as well as with adults who have otherwise not been able to modify their overreactions and mistrust.
Training the right hemisphere has truly remarkable beneficial effects on developing compassion and empathy. Every human being is born with the capacity to relate and empathize with others. Life events, traumas, environmental hardships, and choices can erode the foundations of attachment; yet, they can be restored, if only the brain is repeatedly offered its own appropriate information at the neurological level.
Consider the possibilities and applications of this intervention for people with hardcore antisocial behaviors and attitudes. What other medical treatment or hope is there for gangsters and others who have become emotionally hardened? This is not a miracle cure, but rather should be implemented as a viable intervention for these populations.
A true story: many years ago, I introduced and trained a protégé psychologist with EEG neurofeedback. He subsequently became employed as a prison psychologist in a state facility and then a federal penitentiary. Remarkably, after some hard work and diplomacy, he was able to establish EEG neurofeedback programs in each of these facilities. What innovation! However, inmates unfortunately did not want to participate because it made them “less angry.” Ironically, anger, toughness, insensitivity, and lack of attachment seem to be attributes of survival in prison environments!
Along with EEG neurofeedback, using Thought Field Therapy (TFT) and Voice Technology (VT) to treat trauma has been very successful. These techniques are particularly effective at breaking the hold that betrayal and lack of forgiveness exert. When the traumas and associated neurological uptightness are released, the brain (and person) naturally yearns to emotionally connect with and relate to others.
Overcoming addictions is an important part of rekindling attachment. The brain and nervous system that are preoccupied with satiation and palliating cravings and anxiety can hardly be attentive to the feelings and needs of others. Thus, the work done to free oneself from addictions goes a long way toward restoring attitudinal and behavioral capacities to attach and develop healthy relationships.
Aside from sobriety, many people need to recover from unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships. Years and patterns of relating (or trying to relate) to someone who does not or cannot reciprocate empathically can take a toll and inhibit the willingness and habit of honest emotional disclosure. Honesty and trust can be re-established (perhaps with a new partners or relationships), but this requires courage and risk. Vulnerability is always the flip side of trusting and loving. It helps to realize that there are people looking for the satisfying connections that you desire, but bitter experience can contribute to mistrust, constant caution, and lack of openness. Between prudent caution and emotional shutdown, there are pathways to building the confidence to trust and the willingness to attach that form the bedrock of satisfying emotional needs and relationships.
Hurt, betrayal, loss of trust, and bitterness can also be tempered and healed by new relationships with people who care and who know how to express their care, even in the face of blaming, anger, and defensiveness. Along with the healing methods mentioned, a nurturing and competent therapeutic relationship can help repair and re-establish trust and attachment. A therapist or mentor can help establish realistic boundaries, skills, and expectations with regard to trusting and emotional exchange.
Many people become very attached to pets. Pets don’t live that long, and therein lies the double-edged sword of loving and losing. It’s easy to become so attached to animals that emotional devastation can ensue from losing them. Still, forming attachment to pets, caring for them, and using them as emotional outlets can be useful building blocks in attachment. When not overextended or narrowed exclusively, bonding with pets can be stepping stones to emotional attachment to humans.
In the domain of loving, trusting, giving, and relying upon others, we cannot omit or minimize the role of spiritual awareness and dependence. True compassion, empathy, trust, and love are developed from direct experience and role models. When we are the recipients of these emotional treasures, we feel safe and secure enough to give to others.
Early childhood nurturing from caretakers (especially mothers) who are there to provide care and love is the critical biological developmental foundation for attachment. Even when it is not available in sufficient measure or quality, the experience of God’s love is enough to transcend trauma and fulfill human needs to re-establish trust and attachment.
God never promises freedom from trials or hardship. But, he does promise that he is and always will be with us forever. This security and support is there for the taking with acceptance and belief.
Life is a struggle between attaching, yearning, acquiring, protecting, developing and detaching, surrendering, yielding, letting go, and giving up. Attachment can wither under the weight and bitterness of loss, rejection, or neglect. Loss appears to be a sharp instrument that God uses to separate us from the ownership that is truly and only his. God gives many gifts and is able to supply all needs. In addition to the many things and people that comprise his blessings, he gives us the priceless gift of the ability to grow fond of them.
The blessings of attachment carry the potential for bereavement and isolation when love is withheld or taken away. The ability to claim God’s blessings and enjoy his provisions must often be tempered by the humbling sacrifice of relinquishing what is rescinded. To accept such sacrifices, we must understand and even embrace the paradox of attachment and surrender. Loving and letting go are the divine pillars of spiritual maturity.
Chances are you know people who are enveloped by self-absorption, hostility, mistrust, and emotional isolation. Let them know that life can be richer than fearing hurt and trying to stifle vulnerability and pain. We all need people. And we need brains and hearts that can give and receive with the bonding for which we were designed.
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
