We all have views of the world, including opinions, beliefs, feelings, and recurrent themes in our orientation toward others and how we relate to people and the environment around us. Broadly, our views and experiences shape our attitudes. An attitude is a conglomerate of familiar feelings, opinions, and beliefs, and orientations. Attitudes are expressed verbally and through behaviors and choices. They filter our perceptions and influence how we think, feel, and act.
You can discern someone’s attitude by what he says, does, and his expressions and reactions. We typically associate the word attitude with “positive attitude,” “negative attitude,” or “bad attitude” in our perceptions of individuals.
Actually, each of us has many attitudes. Some may be predominant or pervasive and color or characterize many of our views and behaviors. We think disparagingly of and are offended by a person’s “bad attitude.”
I’d like to address some common problematic attitudes. These underlying themes describe a multitude of people whose attitudes—while not overtly marking them as problem people—nonetheless get in the way of a fuller, more satisfying, and more contributing life. At some point, most of us may carry around the burden of the following bad attitudes:
A brief description of these bad attitudes will be matched with a concise and fitting solution to counteract each attitude.
Being guilty means that you have transgressed a rule or law. Such transgressions can be against God’s laws or man’s laws. We are born with a built-in conscience that activates the sense of guilt upon recognized violations. This conscience is native to all of us, though over time we can become desensitized through repeated ignoring or overriding justification for our wrongs. To lose one’s conscience is a terrible perversion of nature.
Whether actual or imagined through obsession, guilt can be magnified to the point of great interference in one’s conduct and relationships.
Guilty feelings and their framework can be expressed as an underlying theme called “I owe you.” That is: I am indebted to you because of my transgression and the negative or harmful effect this may have on you.
We all get angry sometimes. It’s an inherent survival response that signals fight-or-flight mode and the perceived need for defense, protection, or attack. In daily social life and self-management, however, frequent or persistent anger is unhealthy and maladaptive. It can become a grudge attitude that interferes with well-being, peace, and harmonious relationships.
Some people seem perpetually angry. Some may be quick to lash out. Other seethe inwardly. Regardless of its expressive form, anger translates to “You owe me.” That is, you have wronged, hurt, or diminished me, and you are expected to make amends, apologize, and make me whole.
When the habit or strong desire to acquire or become preoccupied with things is persistent, we label it greed. Whereas we must be productively motivated to get things and supply our needs, greed is the negative connotation that implies excess. Greed essentially boils down to “I owe me.” Thus, the seeking of abundance and selfish acquisition and absorption means I deserve this and its acquisition fulfills that to which I’m entitled.
Greed is an attitude that may be expressed not only in the drive to acquire new things, but in the preoccupation with one’s own possessions and activities. Too much time spent self-indulging (hobbies, drinking, shopping, etc.) to the detriment of others in one’s relationships may be a behaviorally expressed version of “I owe me.”
Wanting what others have seems inherent in our selfish and sinful makeup. People who feel deprived, wronged, or as though they’ve gotten a raw deal may be overcome by the resentment that what the other person has rightfully belongs to them. This negative attitude can be focused on a relationship, a job or other opportunity, material things, or approval and recognition. (Just think of the wannabe Internet sensations or of the addictive and isolating nature of seeking “likes” on social media.)
Jealousy means thinking that what someone else has rightfully belongs to you. Covetousness is envying what someone else has and, without wanting to take it from him, believing that you should also have it.
In the effort to explain or justify insufficiency, failure, deprivation, and other misfortunes, there are those who “play the blame game.” They are usually unaware of this habitual posture “externalizing” the cause of what happens to them. Though this attitude may manifest through subtle or disguised variations, the thematic message is indubitably “it’s out of my control and/or it’s someone else’s fault.”
In this habit of placing responsibility outside of oneself, the aim is to exonerate oneself from misfortunes or bad acts by means of shifting causality. I am this way because… or this happened because… (of what someone else did).
All of us are selfish and look out for own needs and advancement. This is part of human nature. When channeled and tempered by awareness and discipline, self-interest promotes survival. However, this “life revolves around me” outlook can easily get out of line and imbue an attitude of I should get my way, thus implying something is wrong or unfair if I don’t get my way.
Entitlement can take the form of high expectations about treatment by others or favor from life in general. This foundational mindset invariably leads to disappointment, resentment, and potentially blame and a host of negative emotions and erroneous beliefs.
Keeping in mind the translation and interpretation of the above bad attitudes, the following comprise some counteractive measures to them:
Since guilt constructs an obligation based upon a bad act (or perceived or intended bad act), a fitting response to guilt is confession. This is an admission of responsibility and self-blame that acknowledges wrongness and its harmful effects on the recipient.
Spiritually, most of us are familiar with ubiquitous problem of sin and are hopefully aware of the need to get right with God through confession and repentance. Though forgiveness and the discharge of spiritual debt is a matter between each person and his maker, the burden of conscious guilt is appropriately addressed through confession to the persons wronged. Of course, this is quite a difficult thing to do. It requires an awkward disassembly of pride, untold embarrassment, and the sufficient courage to stumble into the vulnerable arena of admitting your faults and placing yourself at the mercy of (and possible rejection by) the person you violated.
An open admission that “I did this to you” infers the “I owe you” that stands as a barrier in relationships and self-worth. This may be lessened or eliminated by confession to those involved. Sometimes the transgression is in thoughts or feelings, rather than overt acts. Nonetheless, guilt creates a debt and inner hardship within the person who harbors the knowledge of his responsibility.
Confession may be blunt and specific, or it may be a candid expression of regret and sorrow for one’s hurtful or inappropriate thoughts and feelings toward another.
Consider the following statements: “I now realize that what I did really hurt (or robbed or lessened) you, and I am sincerely sorry, “ or “ I’ve been harboring negative feelings and resentment inside toward you, and I’m sorry and feel awful that I though and felt about you this way.” Such admissions go a long way toward paying the emotional debt, relieving the inner conscience, and repairing relationships between people.
Here’s a thought: If you are angry or commit a perpetration overtly or in your heart against someone, he’ll probably get over it—but you may not.
Anger is a very destructive emotion. Though we all get angry at times, and though anger can sometimes help us survive, its continuation as an attitude wreaks havoc in the lives and hearts of those who perpetuate it.
Continual or recurrent anger purports to hold oneself as a victim of offense or injustice. Anger says “you owe me for what you did to me.” This notion of someone “owing” you is rarely predominant in conscious awareness when anger prevails. Yet, holding a grudge continually bespeaks the belief and emotion that there is something owed: admission, apology, and compensation.
For people who carry anger and resentment, it is often the burning need for the “offender” to admit wrongdoing that becomes more important than redress or compensation. Alas, continuing anger rarely elicits the palliation it so fervently desires.
It is far better to let anger go by forgiving. This is difficult, because forgiveness goes against our primitive nature and pride. To forgive is to summon or develop a part of ourselves that puts mercy and sacrifice above being right and the fear that we will be taken advantage of, shamed, rejected, dismissed, or abandoned. To forgive is to cancel the debt, without conditions. Once there is nothing owed, there is no offense for which to be incensed.
Without anger, you become larger and more flexible about problematic situations. When anger depletes, you are calmer and more rational. You have and make better choices. You are more able to give and receive love and compassion.
Greed is often considered a despicable vice. We eschew greedy people, and we never want to be thought of as greedy. Such a characterization is a repulsive exposure.
And, yet, it is in man’s nature to be and become greedy. Many lean toward avarice through ambition, desire, fear, self-protection, and, yes, the whetting of appetite and temptation that leads to excess.
Greed encompasses more than wanting or acquiring greater abundance. Self-indulgence of all kinds contributes to greed. Inherent in greediness is the lack of satisfaction with what one has and/or the preoccupation with one’s own needs and pleasures.
Striving for that new opportunity, spending inordinate time in self-indulgence, seeking continual recognition or adulation—these can become greed, especially when positioned in the context of devaluing or paying less attention to the needs and desires of others.
The counteractive solution to greed: give. This is not a mandate to donate your possessions or become missionary with your time. It means relinquishing some of your own desires and ambitions in the service of supplying others with what they may want and need.
This may involve the giving of material possessions. Or, it may cost you time and energy (often more difficult that “paying” with money or goods).
The act of giving automatically counterbalances the overfocus on oneself. It is a hedge against self-entitlement.
Under the guises of survival, security, or blind narcissism, we can immolate ourselves by self-supplying things and activities. Greed is the hoarding of fears through materials and behaviors. Lighten the burden and blindness by giving. It may mean spending more time with someone who needs attention or assistance. It may take the form of material charity. Perhaps, spend more time or effort on your family or community. Basically, giving means parting with some of yourself in order to end up with more.
Who among us hasn’t desired the possessions or fortune of others? It’s so easy to want and to concoct reasons and resentments about what others have that we do not. The hunger for the “good things in life” can overwhelm with twisted justification about the injustice of others enjoying more or better.
Jealousy is the intense feeling and belief that what someone else has rightly belongs to you. It’s as if they have gotten or taken it illicitly (think of a jealous boyfriend—the partner to someone else belongs to him!). Covetousness is the envy of what others have. The difference between jealousy and covetousness is that in jealousy there is commodity that’s unique or scarce: someone else has what’s yours. Coveting means that you want what you see—it’s okay for the other person to have it as long as you have it, too.
Either way, it is an attitude and condition of deprivation and insufficiency. Underlying this attitude is the belief (often unconscious) that God has somehow erred and tipped the scales in someone else’s favor. If this sounds pretentious and haughty, think of the logic: I don’t have what I want and deserve, despite my declarations and efforts. If God is omniscient and omnipotent, then he’s knowingly denying and depriving me. Therefore, God owes me!
These are black holes of self-importance. A good solution to wanting what someone else has is to celebrate what you have, what’s in your life. This exceeds gratitude: to celebrate is to rejoice and revel—it is to express outwardly and exuberantly the joy and thanks for what you have. It implies recognition, gratitude, appreciation, and enjoyment.
When we celebrate what we have—gifts, talents, people, opportunities—we add value to what is often taken for granted. And this points our minds and hearts to our own good fortune.
Do you know anyone who constantly complains and makes excuses? Not only is it hard to listen to such people, but it makes you wonder how they can not hear themselves!
Or, maybe they do hear themselves, but just need to keep reiterating the misfortunes and injustices they have suffered due to someone else’s negligence, incompetence, or malice.
The psychological term for this type of behavior is externalization: the attribution of cause or responsibility outside of oneself.
This is readily observable among children who fight: “It’s his fault.” “She started it.”
Playing the blame game is a seductive trap. It wears many masks; but the message is always “it’s out of my control and/or it’s someone else’s fault.”
Blaming, or externalization, is an immature, self-centered way of exonerating oneself from responsibility and placing the cause (of bad outcomes) outside of oneself. People can become adept at rationalization and deception, but the cost of this is an attitude and a life of helplessness.
The blamer is usually a whiner and may be consciously impervious to this habit of manipulating reality. Trying to point out the blamer’s responsibility is often fruitless and results in resistance and argument.
The solution: ownership in one’s part in the outcome, even if unintentional.
No one gets married with the intention of getting divorced. No one starts out with the goal of becoming addicted. There are countless other examples. I’m not suggesting that there aren’t victims of circumstance. I’m not suggesting that those who are abused “asked for it.”
I’m pointing attention to the easy-to-fall-prey-to habit to lay responsibility elsewhere, while ignoring that one is the cause of one’s own experience. And this includes all the fear, self-pity, helplessness and generalization to one’s own future power that can result from the habit of resigned externalization.
Turning away from the habit of blame requires “owing” your part in outcomes. Even if you feel or have actually been victimized, you have and can choose wide discretion about your attitude in those experiences. To “own your part” means that you recognize and accept your feelings of helplessness and your reaction of placing the locus of cause and responsibility outside yourself. It then becomes possible to separate what happened to you from the instinct to blame and to continue to feel helpless due to loss of control. Owning your reaction begins to give back your power to change your reactions.
Some common examples of blaming include parents who justify their yelling because their children fail to listen or obey; and partners in relationships who rationalize denigrating feelings or behaviors because of a friend or partner’s actions.
In a broader context, many people have an attitude that racism, discrimination, oppression, and bad fortune are “because” of the actions and attitudes of others. Without question, there continues to be racism, discrimination, oppression, sexual harassment, bullying, and political and economic oppression. These exist and have devastating effects.
I ask you, however, to examine the extent to which a blaming attitude my envelop you and overwhelm and restrict your flexibility and choices in response, even when you may be a victim. Recognition and accountability do not preclude the awareness of one’s own tendency toward complaint and self-pity as well as the option of forgiveness and making good available choices, given the circumstances.
At times, the complexity and difficulty of people narrows my perception such that I divide people into two categories: those who think that life owes them and those who understand that entitlement is most often a false pretense and belief based upon need, desire, and the illusion of self-importance.
We all want to get our way; and we all secretly feel (at least emotionally) that the universe should run mostly the way that favors us. When held up to the light of reason, of course, almost everyone understands that life does not match our fantasies and desires. Despite that rational knowledge, so many people act with an underlying attitude that when things don’t go their way, something is out of whack or unfair (compare to jealousy and covetousness, above).
Self-centeredness can abound to the point of a pervasive attitude that “I should routinely get my way.” This is called entitlement.
If, by contract or agreement, someone owes you money, then you are entitled to that money. If you have a warrantee, then you are entitled to repair or replacement under its terms. Beyond these kinds of examples, life does not “owe” anything.
Surely, children should be fed, clothed, housed, and protected. Certainly, people should be free from abuse, prejudice, and mistreatment. But, so many people believe that they are legitimately entitled to much, much more. They fail to appreciate that this attitude breaches the reality of life.
Like other surreptitious bad attitudes, entitlement is not easily identifiable by the ones who live with it as a working philosophy. It is palpable, though, to those around such people who have to put up with it. Though narcissism may be a signature of entitlement, this attitude exists in many subtle forms.
We tend to get upset when the universe doesn’t bow to our wishes. Despite either acknowledging or denying this, many of us act out of entitlement.
So, how to deal with silly and unrealistic self-absorption? The solution—that counters man’s natural sinful and selfish nature—is to progressively develop and practice humility. This is the understanding and attitude that you and I are relatively small and unimportant in the scheme of things. This is a hard pill to swallow, and it seemingly conflicts with self-preservation and the spiritual truth that each and every one of us is mightily precious and important in God’s view.
By consciously recognizing that everyone is important, we can modify and hold in check natural inclinations to put ourselves first. Being unassuming and modest does not usurp one’s own value or confidence. Humility is simply an attitude recognizing that others count just as much, that deference matters, and that giving, forgiveness, and sacrifice are ultimately more realistic and valuable than shameless self-assertion and pushing one’s way to the front of the line.
Even with practice and progress, humility is a lifelong struggle. Its rewards in human relationships and divine recognition are bountiful.
Countering self-aggrandizement and conceit with humility and the reality that others matter just as much goes a long way toward limiting and neutralizing destructive self-important attitudes.
The bad attitudes described above contain overlap. They reveal unpleasant feelings that all of us have, but which in some people tend to congeal into emotions, beliefs, and behaviors that surface readily as habitual responses to a frustrating and uncooperative world.
To some degree, we all must tolerate negative feelings, unfairness and injustice, and things that don’t go our way. We can rationalize, develop self-soothing and disciplinary routines, and seek intervention when negative feelings become too overwhelming or unrelenting.
When life’s adversity develops into an attitude that brings harm and self-defeat, it’s time to ferret out the bad attitude and take corrective measures.
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
