As the shelter-at-home way of life continues, tensions build, patience wears thin, and the escalation of cabin fever competes with the ability to adjust. People are understandably edgy, uncertain, fearful, and very stressed.
That most of us are able to endure and tolerate this at all testifies to human adaptability and the virtuous compliance and community spirit of the majority. The magnitude of distress varies, of course, with individual circumstances and coping skills. Health, housing, family size, resources, age, and other factors play into how well each of us manages. Being isolated while at the same time restricted with others is ironic and overwhelming.
One doesn’t have to look far (just watch the news) to be confronted with the traumas and difficulties of others that dwarf one’s own problems and can even summon guilt for complaining or feeling sorry for oneself. The perspective that others suffer more hardly provides consolation for one’s own immediate and persisting anguish.
Being cooped up with family can give birth to previously untapped hobbies, personal resources, and new ways of doing things. These may be unforeseen blessings, welcome silver linings, or simply testimony to fortitude and flexibility. But, let’s face it: staying at home for weeks on end is a crucible of strain and imposition. Perhaps this is exceedingly more intense for parents living with children. Though the needs and demands of children are great and constant under normal circumstances, sheltering at home can easily be the “straw that breaks the camel’s back.”
This crucible reaches dramatic proportions when you are living with a child (or children) who is defiant, disobedient, willful, or otherwise hard to get along with. It’s a challenge ordinarily for most parents to deal with these child-rearing issues. Implementing discipline, keeping cool (and loving), enforcing rules and consequences is tricky and dynamic. Current conditions supercharge these challenges and can push those sheltering in close quarters without respite over the top.
What do you do with a child stuck at home with you when the child refuses to comply, follow rules, or behave with decency and respect?
You can’t ground him—COVID has done that already. Your first go-to consequence (maybe weapon) is to take things away: phone, computer, TV, privileges, etc. These tactics are typically limited or ineffective under normal circumstances. Being sheltered at home curtails the practicality even further, and can easily backfire, leaving family members more frustrated, resentful, and angry.
For decades, I’ve listened to and counseled parents who vent the same refrain: “It doesn’t seem to matter what I take away—he just gets used to it and does what he wants anyway.” I hear the frustration. I also understand the behavioral dynamics of why taking things away—in the manner that parents typically do so—results in more frustration and helplessness. Ordinarily, I spend several sessions teaching parents about the principles and how-to’s of behavior modification: how to arrange consequences on schedules to shape desired behaviors and reduce unwanted behaviors. (I’ve written extensively about these techniques in my books and articles. Refer to Living Intact and Reality Reports.)
These are unprecedented times and conditions. Therefore, let me be brief and direct in addressing the dilemma of controlling and encouraging the cooperation of unruly or difficult children during this stuck-at-home epoch.
Most people are familiar with term “positive reinforcement.” Though positive reinforcement is only one type of reinforcement (and not always favorable or “positive”), the basic gist is to “reward” good behaviors in order to encourage them. In principle, this is correct, but there are a number of practical and scientific reasons why most parents do this incorrectly or inconsistently and why positive reinforcement (as practiced by the layperson) will be often insufficient to obtain the desired results.
Without going into technical detail, let’s just say that the incentive or “reinforcement” that a noncompliant child obtains for doing or not doing things his way far exceeds the rewards provided by parents. Some children actually get kicks from being in control through passive aggressiveness, while most are simply stuck in their habits or inattentive to the rules or needs of others. The reinforcements or rewards that parents offer to change behavior are not strong enough to counteract the “payoff” the child obtains from continuing in his ways.
When positive reinforcement doesn’t work or is not enough, what are the alternatives? Exasperated or without viable consequences, parents usually resort to taking things away or imposing restrictions. This is problematic under most conditions, but dramatically more so under enforced or extended isolation. Removing your child’s phone or internet deprives him of contact with the world, a lifeline more important than ever currently. Additionally, as most parents know, bring down such a hammer creates resentment and tension, while doing little to curb or improve behaviors.
Yes, there must be clear, predictable, and meaningful consequences for unacceptable behavior. But, rather than implement them in a punishing, reactive, or excessive manner, it’s better to invoke response costs as consequences for off limits behaviors.
A response cost is something you pay or give up in response to breaking a rule or overstepping a limit. For instance, parking tickets are response costs. Interest and late fees are response costs. These are common examples of cause-and-effect linkages where the rules, expectations, terms, and consequences are known. If you get a ticket for parking when or where disallowed, you should not be surprised (or angry) about the predictable consequences. Loan interest is not punishment, but rather a known cost in contracts.
If I go to my car without taking my key, or if I leave home without my phone and must retrace my steps to retrieve what I should have taken originally, this is a response cost. (Someone told me a witty grandmother saying: “If you don’t have a brain in your head, then you’ll have one in your legs.”)
Punishment is usually adverse, severe, and carries painful diminution of the person, as well as his actions. Sometimes, punishment is necessary because the dangers of continued behavior are marked. But punishment causes extreme negative feelings, and it often makes behaviors worse. And, punishment invariably creates suspicion and mistrust (the antithesis of building good family relationships).
On the other hand, response costs are naturally and constructively compatible with the costs of ordinary life and cause-and-effect relationships. If I drive on an empty tank, use up my phone battery, or forget a responsibility, life will “remind me” and I may have to pay more in make-up than I want. These are teaching experiences that can be quite predictable and efficient.
When your kid mouths off, fights with his sibling, or neglects simple instructions, you can impose a response cost that doesn’t cut him off or create undue resentment—especially if the rules and contingencies between behaviors and response costs are laid out in advance, in writing, and implemented fairly and consistently.
If your child fights, disrespects, or doesn’t clean up or get off the computer, you don’t have to take things away for days. This will leave both of you frustrated and will empty your quiver of arrows. Instead, it’s better to devise a plan ahead of time to attach response costs to those infractions that repeat.
If Johnny transgresses, that could cost him phone or computer privileges for half a day or until he makes up for the infraction. Moreover, the written rules can state that, in order to retain his electronics privileges, he must go for certain periods of time following the rules and refraining from infractions. No fighting with your brother and no complaining or disrespect earns you your phone and computer until bedtime. Then, we start over the next day. It’s like renting a car: specified periods for specified costs and privileges with attached rules temporary jurisdiction and consequences for exceeding the limits. The more frequent your child’s transgressions, the shorter time periods of good behavior you want to reinforce. For surly or impulsive children, going twenty minutes without misbehavior maybe the place you want to start. Building upon successes and lengthening the times for good behavior happens surprisingly quickly when you do it methodically.
This model—and its effects on behaviors—significantly differs from confiscating possessions and privileges arbitrarily for days or weeks at a time. Although you may believe that confiscation gets his attention and fits the “crime,” you likely have already repeatedly seen that this doesn’t correct the behavior. To boot, it evokes enmity among family members.
Setting up a system of response costs allows you to plan, thereby reducing the likelihood of your showing negative emotional reactions, because you will have a healthier response plan. Response costs should be known to your child, written down and displayed, and should have equitable short-term consequences. The goal is not to hurt, but to make the child’s comfort slightly less to the point that he will want to avoid it in the future. Response costs can be varied and creative, thus giving you more control in staying steps ahead of your child’s repertoire, high-probability misbehaviors, and excuses.
Taking things or privileges away for short time periods seems like the easiest and most reflexive response to misbehavior or noncompliance. Used judiciously and sparingly, this can be effective without being punitive. Please realize that if you take away your child’s phone or privileges for a week, he has little incentive to correct his behavior. With no way to get his status back, he will most likely sulk, cheat, and/or continue the bad behavior. From his perspective, why shouldn’t he? What’s he got to lose, being already in the doghouse?
However, if you impose a short period of restriction, coupled with the necessity of good behavior during that period, your child will likely be successful in compliance and in the reacquisition of his status. This will make both of you feel more successful and in control. It will also establish a degree of cooperation and trust in the domain of your child’s misbehavior. You must make mistakes recoverable, or you will decimate motivation to comply.
Here are some examples:
Forfeiture:
Phone, computer, toys, TV (yes, hard to do, but you can restrict his programs or take his TV power cord, etc.)
Restriction:
Time out (hard to do in close quarters, but still doable, especially for short time periods), earlier bedtime, restriction of dessert or preferred foods, privacy (keep his room door open), favorite pillow or comfort item, etc.
Work:
Require the child to perform tasks as a condition of earning back things and privileges.
For instance, each episode of verbal disrespect or defiance or excuses requires cleaning the toilet and bathroom sink; or, vacuuming the house; or doing the dishes; or writing a letter of apology to parent or sibling.
Shaping (reinforcing small incremental steps toward) adaptive behavior works best when most of the attention (thus reinforcement) is focused on desired behaviors. Because this is harder to do when subverted by the intensity and frequency of undesirable behaviors, you need to also use response costs in order to “ticket” bad behaviors, rather than reinforce them (even censure reinforces them, due to negative attention).
By integrating favorable “payoffs” for desirable behavior with response costs for undesirable behavior, you simultaneously reward and shape good behaviors while minimizing the reinforcement and probability of bad behaviors (response costs do that work for you).
For reinforcements (rewards, payoffs, incentives) to work the way you want, they must not only be desirable—they must strengthen desired behaviors. Saying you want something and working to get it are not always the same. The idea is to get them to overlap. Reinforcers can be many and varied: material things, foods, privileges, scheduled attention from or activities with parents or peers, etc. Projects with parents (such as cooking, making and watching videos) usually work well.
Specific examples:
When your child misbehaves, you might ask him to offer his projected solution as a parent. “Johnny, please tell me what you would do if you were the parent.” Ask him to consider carefully; then, together, walk him through the logical and probable consequences of his proposal. Ask him to describe if, when, and how his suggestions would alter the behavior. You don’t have to promise to take him up on it…but you might, just as an experiment. That would be a joint, three-dimensional experiment, exposing little downside, yet showing your child your openness and flexibility. It’s an exercise in both of you putting yourself in the other’s shoes.
Share with your child your hopes and dreams for re-emerging from lockdown. Where will you go, what will you eat or buy? What does your child look forward to? Explore his feelings about missing school and subsequently returning. And don’t just ask once. Invite some verbal recordings or essays (and reward these). Ask him to share what his friends say about their experiences. Ask him how similar or different are his feelings and experiences. Open up, especially about your world.
Read stuff online together and ask your child for critical commentary. Have an exchange or debate about what the “experts” are saying. Be sure to acknowledge your child’s opinion and thank him for it. Rather than “grade” your child for logic or maturity, keep your eye on building trust, communication, openness, and receptivity. Your child’s world and perspective may be narrow, selfish, and ridiculous. (Remember, that’s how he probably sees your world, too) But, wouldn’t you rather hear him express it than keep bottled up in his room? Practice soliciting, listening, and acknowledging. You have the time.
The present crisis forces us out of our comfort zone, to say the least. Along with the powerlessness and discomfort, we look for silver linings in the crisis through adaptability, revised habits, newfound resilience, humility, empathy, and re-evaluating and appreciating what we take for granted.
Staying at home puts a magnifying glass on our habits, relationships, indulgences, and the way we see our family members. You are understandably restless and worried under the present conditions. Tension and stress escalates for most people, and it’s likelier to get on each others’ nerves more readily.
But consider: your child’s world is normally smaller than yours. He has less freedom, fewer opportunities at his age, and may be hampered by developmental limitations. He lives through his phone or computer games, eschews interpersonal contact, and resists or shirks responsibilities. He watches screens throughout the day. He avoids exercise and intellectual exploration and practice. His diet leaves much to be desired and avoided. Now, this is in full view all day, every day. What do you do?
Because you want to take charge, direct and lead, you are more disposed to supervise. But, you are stressed and exasperated. Your pressures are mounting. The bad habits of your children are ever present and impossible to ignore. You wonder how it came to this and what you can do about it. Your ineffectiveness haunts you.
You have opportunities here to make the best of things and to make things better. Along with implementing the strategies herein described, you might communicate with your child in ways that validate his experiences:
“Johnny, I never realized how absorbing those games can be. I thought it was a waste of time; but, now that I’m home all day, I can see the value in getting immersed in strategy and fantasy and in communicating and interacting online. I guess I underestimated the interest and mental challenge in those games.”
“Now that I’m home a lot more, I can understand how bored you get. There’s not much to do.”
“Now that my freedom is limited, I can relate to how stifling it must be to get grounded. The government has grounded me and taken my privileges. I hate it!”
Since you have more time at present, you might consider exploring your child’s world on his terms (if he lets you) and inviting him to reciprocate by joining you in your explorations. Perhaps he could teach you one of his games or show you how to use a new app. Embrace the role of underling. Though he may mock your ineptitude at first, your willingness to try new things will earn his respect. Eventually, it may serve as a model for him to try the new and risky things you want him to do. Be willing to show vulnerability. This doesn’t undermine your achieved competence or values. It makes you more relatable. As your world has shrunk, enjoin your children in theirs. It will make you a better parent and increase your joy and appreciation of your kids.
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
