Forgiveness is an act of will and choice. To forgive means that you relinquish all expectation of payment, compensation, or retribution. When you forgive, the debt is completely canceled and there is no further claim.
At first, forgiving may be difficult. After all, it’s in human nature to compete, hold grudges, dwell on wrongs and injustices, and want revenge or payback. When you learn and practice forgiveness, however, it becomes a tremendous relief, a lifting of burdens. Forgiveness blesses not only the transgressor—it blessed the one who forgives.
Forgiving doesn’t mean that you forget. There may be practical consequences following wrongdoing. Holding people accountable for their actions and to certain standards of behavior is also appropriate. In some cases, forgiveness means doing away with practical consequences (such as forgiving a monetary debt). Whether or not there are compensations, true forgiveness means that you don’t hold something against someone indefinitely. The guilt of the act is forgiven, and any emotional claims are completely discharged.
Most of us have received forgiveness, the blessing of undeserved mercy. Though forgiveness by other people is a welcome relief, many have experienced the divine mercy of God’s forgiveness. His forgiveness is life-changing, both in the present and for all time. Experiencing God’s forgiveness—his unmerited mercy—serves as a model and motivation for forgiving others.
When you forgive, you don’t “forget,” but neither do you begrudge an enduring record of the misdeed. The impact is canceled, obliterated, and you are free to not dwell on being wronged. Forgiveness is truly liberating for both parties. It allows you to move on without being shackled by that trauma.
To forgive someone’s wrongdoing is an act of courage, generosity, and mercy on your part. It’s also an etching reinforcement in the building of good character. When you forgive, you experience the joy of unburdening and release of negative emotions. It is an act of will, of choice, and may be repeated out of love, compassion, and the strengthening of habit.
But, what happens when the offender continues to transgress, to violate rules, propriety, fairness, and consideration of your well-being? What can you do in the face of repeated bad acts, mounting to negative expectations of someone’s behavior?
This is a practical reality, since people often repeat their behaviors. Learning from experience and developing expectations and prediction models is not necessarily prejudice. These are survival-oriented and pragmatic responses to the world, based upon experience, calculation, and evaluation. People who misbehave are often prone to doing it again.
When you are in the habit of forgiving, continuing episodes of forgiveness become easier. The Bible exhorts constant forgiveness with the example:
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
(Matthew 18:21-22)
When you become committed and habituated to forgiveness, each transgression by others requires less effort and angst to let it go. But, when someone continually transgresses—and perhaps shows no remorse or repentance—that becomes an embellished problem and added duress to continuing forgiveness.
You’ve probably noticed that people tend to repeat their behaviors. Whereas not all behaviors are predictable or rigid, people’s responses do tend to fall into patterns. Understanding and anticipating patterns helps us to organize and make sense of the world and to act meaningfully and purposefully.
When a person acts in ways typical of their previous behavior, we can say that he is acting “in character.” That is, the behavior typifies what’s exhibited in the past and is likely consistent with that person’s values, beliefs, expectations, and response sets. When a person acts “out of character,” his behavior is atypical or inconsistent with what you know about his make-up and tendencies.
People who chronically lie or are late tend to repeat such behaviors and project an expectation of future similar acts. Alternatively, people who are responsible, faithful, timely, and reliable generate a different profile of expectations in accord with that character.
Occasionally, we all act out of character. This may surprise other (and ourselves), but the behavior is an outlier, a deviation from our normal. Thus, such “accidents” tend to earn easier forgiveness.
However, what does forgiveness involve with repeat offenders: those whose sins and transgressions seem “in character?
From experience, we form understanding and develop models about what to expect from others. Our expectations are informed and biased by accumulated sets of previous behaviors. From these past acts, we generalize to anticipate and prepare for more of what others have shown us previously.
We tend to rest securely in expectations of people whom we’ve found reliable, trustworthy, and rewarding. Regarding those who have confounded us with misdeeds, we harbor suspicion, caution, vigilance, and negative forecasting. We wait for the repeat offender to do it again. Sometimes, this wariness may even include a readiness to remonstrate, condescend, or reject.
While caution about future offenses may protect us from vulnerability, it also counteracts acceptance and forgiveness. If, however, you expect errant behavior, you’re in a better position to prepare. You can be less surprised and can plan for your responses, behaviorally and emotionally.
How will I react when this person does it again? What can I do to inhibit my outrage, scolding, and internal indignation? How can I love this person and free my heart, even while holding him accountable? How might I communicate my displeasure while also expressing my acceptance and forgiveness?
Knowing that someone is likely to transgress is neither an abstraction nor a predisposing invitation. It’s a reality that allows you to minimize the impact and trauma from the perpetrations (intentional or otherwise) from others.
As you mature in molding your forgiving responses to repeated transgressions, you are practicing the forgiveness of character, the acceptance of fallen, imperfect people who fall short of your hopes, needs, and desires. Such practice will bring you closer to people and to God. It will increase your peace and joy.
Who among us forgives the same offender “seventy-seven times?” Who among us continues to count and keep records?
Along with forgiving the act, forgiving the character that predisposes the act enables you to “take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:5)
It takes fortitude and your own decency of character to forgive repeat offenders. Such forgiveness represents a “one-armed push-up” of spiritual development and magnitude. It requires, balance, strength, and determination, as well as practice.
When you are able to forgive someone who repeatedly transgresses, you are not only forgiving an act, you are forgiving character—that is, you are reaching a level of accepting a fallen person with the knowledge that he will likely sin and/or hurt/disappoint you again. Knowing that the transgression may soon be repeated challenges you to act with forgiveness while setting standards of accountability and showing acceptance of the person, warts and all. It’s a difficult balancing act that requires compassion and courage.
Forgiving repeated violations shows mercy and bestows blessing. It opens a door for the transgressor to experience compassion and acceptance, to feel undeserved mercy, and perhaps, to aspire and resolve to change.
For yourself, forgiving the damaged character of others builds better character in you. It’s a noble and blessed calling.
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
