All people want to believe they are right. Many people insist on their way, exhort, remind, or nag others, and earn the descriptions of “stubborn,” “controlling,” “disapproving,” or worse in the minds of those who don’t want to repeatedly hear advice or opinions on what they should and should not do.
When thwarted in advocating “I know what’s best,” we bemoan being stifled with the lament, “If only you would listen…” The implication is: you would be better off, and I’m only wanting the best for you.
Alas, people often don’t listen when we think they should. They have their own minds, opinions, defenses, and interests. It’s frustrating, especially when experience has proven you right, and you’re acting with benevolence.
I have some advice for you. I don’t mean to be presumptuous, and, of course, you don’t have to listen. You can simply stop reading this. Should you continue, however, I think you’ll be validated and comforted, for what I have to say is true.
The people I care for may not want to hear my words of advice or “wisdom” about what they should do. Transcending my opinions on the practical aspects of their actions, here is what I really want them—and you—to know:
For the sake of our own ends and purposes, we’re often compelled to invoke and repeat our opinions and agendas, including what others should do and how they should realize the sensibilities of our opinions and advice. Besides being frustrating, that usually doesn’t get us far. Perhaps more time and energy should be spent on reinforcing the messages listed above. Maybe the ones we care about will be more receptive to positive messages about their inherent value.
I know it’s hard to do. People keep sabotaging themselves and others with bad behavior. It’s important to hold others accountable. There are rules, limits, boundaries, and consequences. Negotiating the lines between accountability and acceptance with validation can be delicate, and there are seldom fixed and fast conditions for each circumstance. At the same time that you want compliance and adherence to standards and agreements, you also want people to appreciate you and recognize that you mean well for them.
So, how can you respond to transgressions, hold others accountable and still transmit messages of acceptance, value, and love?
Understanding the context of ambiguity and ambivalence in which people operate can be helpful. Ambiguity means that things are not always clear. While this can be intentional and politically useful when someone is trying to evade, most of the time ambiguity results from life not being black and white. Events and actions are “spun” because people have differing perceptions, experiences, and orientations. Someone’s rebuttal may seem like an excuse or a defense to you, although to that person the perspective is realistic.
Ambivalence refers to having fluctuations, vacillations, and inconsistencies in thoughts and feelings. It’s certainly a natural part of human experience to have multiple—and sometimes conflicting—feelings about situations and others. I feel this way, but then I also feel that way—either at different times or even at the same time!
When the combinations of ambiguity and ambivalence that people experience in the complexity of themselves interact with these same dynamics occurring in others, life can become complicated and confusing. Should I please and validate others, or should I hold their feet to the fire because they are not fulfilling agreements or measuring up? How do I blend the messages that I care about and value you, but I also want you to be responsible and perform?
It’s natural for people to strive for improvement and recognition. Life is competitive, demanding, and replete with the insistent message of “What have you done for me lately?” Many people lack confidence and a realistic self-image. Tendencies toward egotism, defensiveness, and self-pity smudge the lens and filters through which we see and receive others.
People invest energy in trying to be idealized version of themselves—what they think they’re supposed to be, along with fulfilling others’ expectations. It frequently becomes overwhelming. Negative feedback produces resistance and self-protection. No wonder they are often not listening.
Remember that while you are wanting others to listen and accept the content of your message, they “hear” you through a blunt binary filter that emotionally responds: Is this person talking to me accepting of and loving me—or judging me?
It requires a lot of maturity to distinguish between making excuses and justifying weaknesses and the alternative of accepting who you are, recognizing your inherent worth, and persisting in seeking to improve.
In order to communicate more effectively, to understand what may be blocking others from hearing you (or responding the way you want), and to find a more palatable platform for establishing a connection with others who are resistant, begin by realizing these attributes within yourself. Consider what frustrates you about others, and notice the ways you react to it. Do you push harder? Throw up your hands in disgust? Disengage and pout?
Look for confirmation of the principles listed above in your everyday experiences and interactions. Does this resonate with you? Can you provide these messages to others?
These exhortations might seem like idealized platitudes—inspirations that fade in the wake of irascible behavior, bad attitudes, conflicts and cross-purposes. But maybe—just maybe—you can filter the selfishness and insensitivity of others so that you can receive and express these truths. If only they would listen… If only you would listen…
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
