Everyone wants to feel good. This desire and motivation is a biologically natural part of our survival mechanisms. As we develop and practice various ways of meeting our needs and feeling good, we also generate beliefs and opinions about who we are, what we’re entitled to, and what behaviors we can exchange in the world to gain satisfaction and sustain feeling good.
Feeling good includes a wide range of physiological states of harmony and psychological satisfaction. We are driven to meet basic needs, as well as to feel good about ourselves. We can engage in various activities and habits to feel good (such as exercising, eating and drinking certain things, listening to music, having companionship, completing tasks, acquiring possessions, etc.). We can also depend upon others to make us feel good by satisfying basic physical needs, helping us achieve goals, and by contributing to our sense of self-worth.
For many people, feeling good is equated with “getting”—things, achievements, security, etc. For others, feeling good necessitates plying the body with substances that flood the brain with happy chemicals. All of us need some measure of positive self-regard so that we feel good about ourselves. For so many people, this is a continual monumental life struggle.
What makes you feel good about yourself? How do you make others feel good about themselves?
My mother constantly reminded me: Make other people feel good about themselves. Look for the good in people.
This invocation served to impress upon me how loving, caring, and altruistic my mother was and also to stimulate my conscience (and behavior) to think about others, put them ahead of me, and to serve them. It is the Golden Rule, of course, a biblical commandment, and generally accepted as a virtue to love your neighbor as yourself.
Practicing deference, unselfishness, and sacrifice is necessary. But doing for and unto others is one aspect of making others feel good (and sometimes they won’t even know or recognize your efforts). What about the psychological and interpersonal aspects of making others feel good about themselves?
Each of us has a self-image made up of our concepts and feelings about our identity, confidence, traits and preferences, beliefs, skills, and feelings of worthiness and belonging. As we go through life interacting with others, this self-concept is edified or eroded in response to what happens to us and how we interpret those events. Sometimes known as the ego, there is the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity. A person with a strong ego is likely to feel generally capable, important, and worthy, whereas someone with a fragile ego is likely to be hypersensitive, defensive, negative, and vulnerable or transparent in the face of life’s challenges and affronts.
Self-concept tends to be self-fulfilling prophecy, whereby accumulated experiences confirm and reinforce what a person already thinks and believes about himself. However, we all need “strokes” to reaffirm our worthiness and competence. All but the most stalwart or single-minded will also allow new experiences that challenge an existing self-image or mindset to penetrate the mind and become absorbed into and sometimes modify the individual’s existing schema or views of the world (psychologists call these processes assimilation and accommodation).
I’m reminded of the story about a fellow who wakes up feeling rosy and goes out into the world with energy and enthusiasm. During his day, he meets one person after another who comments on how tired he looks:
“Hey, Bill, how are you doing? You okay? You look a little green around the gills.”
“Hi, Bill, good to see you. Man, are you feeing well? You look tired.”
“Bill, you should get some rest. You seem stressed and low energy.”
Now, Bill might shrug off the first and second comment; but, after the third person’s statement, he may begin to question how well he really feels. When there is continued dissonance between how we feel or see ourselves and the feedback we get from others, we need to bridge the gap by reconciling our self-image with the legitimacy of information coming to us from outside.
You are probably quite knowledgeable about what makes you feel good and how much of it you are receiving or lacking. You may know how to make yourself feel good and solicit “attaboys” from others. You may deliberately or subconsciously solicit attention and approval from others. Or, you may live in a continual state of deprivation, wanting, loneliness, anxiety, and seeking that which will make you feel better and more loved. It’s likely that you make judgments about the equity of what you do or don’t get from others. You may also be conflicted about what you want to do and what you typically do to satisfy your “feel good” requirements. As is natural, you justify your feelings, beliefs, and behaviors on the basis what you need and “deserve.”
We all tend to be self-absorbed and preoccupied with securing what makes us feel good or better. Well-adjusted and evolved people go beyond satisfying “me,” including extending themselves through conscious efforts to edify and satisfy those around them.
Consider making my mother’s mantra a preeminent focus of your values and behavior: Make other people feel good about themselves.
How does one go about doing this?
A most obvious and straightforward prerequisite is that of awareness. Simply recognizing and holding in mind the idea that other people need “ego income” and that you can be a powerful and effective agent of making others feel good about themselves is a necessary and significant start.
As you begin to consider making these efforts a part of your lifestyle and commitment, you will uncover some inner conflicts and resistances you have about adopting this endeavor. It’s difficult to think about others in a repeatedly unselfish way! We habitually revert to thinking about ourselves. We get distracted and preoccupied with our own concerns. In thinking about others, we may find ourselves critical. It’s hard to confront our own fault-finding and negative attitudes. We may feel guilty about our own negativity, minimized compassion, and failure to give others the benefit of the doubt. Seeing others in a favorable light and dwelling on their positives takes generosity and practice. Being critical is natural and easy. We tend to justify and defend our own excuses for not doing more well-wishing and favorable observations.
Thus, to make a habit of deliberately exerting effort to make others feel good about themselves, you have to intentionally make that commitment. And, you have to remind yourself and practice until it becomes a natural part of your repertoire. Intention is a key component.
How do you interact with others so that the outcome is that they feel better as a result of that interaction?
When you have as your intention and purpose the objective of making others feel good about themselves, you can model your words and initiatives after how others treat you well. Reflect upon what types of interactions usually result in making you feel empowered. What are your observations and experiences about building up others? Several categories of positive interactions are sure and consistent winners.
Showing and expressing appreciation is fundamental and paramount. People need to know and be reminded verbally that what they do is noticed, valued, and makes a difference. All too often, we either take things for granted or appreciate them silently, but fail to make mention. A person’s inclination to express appreciation may be inhibited by not wanting to appear fawning, sycophantic, or “over the top.” You needn’t worry about overdoing it. As long as you are sincere, people will welcome and soak up appreciation, gratitude, and praise. Do risk repeating yourself. Any redundancy in this regard is far outweighed by the hunger most people have for recognition, praise, and appreciation.
“Thank you for doing the dishes (taking out the garbage, buying my favorite food, etc.).”
“I appreciate how you think to ask me about my day.”
“I may only say it occasionally, but please know how grateful I am that you pay the bills.”
Everyone has value and God-given talents. This is reality, not a platitude. You must really look with a belief and attitude to discern each person’s positive features. Surely, we are not all created or developed with similar or equal strengths and gifts.
Some people seem to “have it all,” whereas others seem to display a banner that reads “loser.” Look deeper, past your own value judgments, prejudices, preconceptions, and competitiveness. Observe the beauty and strengths inherent in every person, including the ones who irritate or wrong you. Over time, you’ll be amazed by the pearls and nuggets you see in others, as well as by your increasing ability to “find the pony amidst the manure.”
Practice commenting and highlighting observed and legitimate virtues. You needn’t invent or exaggerate, nor are you inflating or being phony. Simply communicate what you see as pluses. Paint with praise.
“I really like the way you listen.”
“You are lucky to have musical and artistic talent.”
“Not everyone can build or fix things. You sure have a knack.”
“People find it easy to be around you.”
“I wish I had your energy (calmness, sleeping ability, talent for…).”
“Your sensitivity is admirable. Perhaps it’s hard for you to care that much.”
“You’re able to tell it like it is.”
Your audience may be glad that someone recognizes what he possesses; or, this may be new and valuable information from a perceived credible source.
Words are vital expressions of intention and value that others receive and depend upon to nourish their self-worth. Additionally, actions must back up words and not confuse the verbal messages with insincerity.
When someone gives you a gift, does a favor (either when asked or unsolicited), takes on some of your burden, or helps you with some work or challenge, you feel valued and important. The sacrifice may be insignificant or deep; but, the impact upon your feeling valued and important is inestimable. Pay it back and forward by consistently seeking and acting upon opportunities to help others. Putting yourself out says to others incontrovertibly that they matter and are a priority for you.
People who feel poorly about themselves may have difficulty accepting generosity, sacrifice, or teamwork. The message of importance your efforts convey may conflict with their self-concept of unworthiness. They may defer or subconsciously suspect you are up to some hidden agenda. Nonetheless, doing for others speaks loud and clear that they matter. Eventually, the cumulative service efforts impart the message that they are indeed important.
No one can—with any validity—tell you how you feel. Only you can say whether you are hungry, have to go to the bathroom, etc. Although people can challenge or criticize the reasons for or appropriateness of your feelings, what you say you feel is sovereignly up to you.
Therefore, communicating how another person “makes” you feel (actually, how you feel around or toward that person) carries great weight concerning that person’s power and influence. By expressing positive feelings you experience with an individual, you edify, validate, and empower that person.
“Joe, I always feel good talking to you.”
“Sarah, I appreciate how you listen without judging me. Thanks!”
“Having you in my life gives me security and the sense that I make a difference.”
“You have a knack for making me laugh and seeing the lighter side.”
Don’t underestimate the power of letting others know how they positively affect you. It’s a golden gift. Don’t withhold it.
Becoming a person who consistently makes others feel good about themselves is one of the greatest contributions you can make. Anyone who puts a mind and heart to it can do so, contributing value and reaping grand rewards.
As you take on this noble challenge, you’ll grow in compassion, empathy, and humility. You’ll develop increasing ability to see the value in others that is already there. It will open you up to all kinds of emotional and spiritual treasures to enrich you. Do it for them and for you. Selfless and selfish are both expressions of self. Explore and enhance yourself through finding value in others.
Among the many things that please, satisfy, and make you feel good, determine to instill in your life habits to make others feel good about themselves. When your desires and practices fulfill this outcome consistently, you will discover and enjoy a supreme way of feeling good about yourself, too.
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
