Human beings come in two basic flavors: male and female. The chromosomes that result in gender are genetically determined. Hormones that fuel male and female development spawn from genotypes, but they vary markedly among individuals of both types. Males also have female hormones, and females also have male hormones.
From antiquity, it’s been observed that some males seem more “feminine,” and some females exhibit more “masculine” traits and preferences. Long before science could determine the underlying biological bases for gender, hormonal influences and their manifestations along with social rules coerced each gender to conform to prevailing stereotypes. Deviating from the expected norms relegated those who differed to social ostracism, punishment, and inner conflict.
In recent decades, much has changed, allowing for greater tolerance, freedom of expression, and more social and legal inclusion. The boundaries of maleness and femaleness have expanded, even to the vicissitudes of artificial insemination and transgender transformation. Not surprisingly, the concepts and beliefs about masculinity and femininity have been questioned, scrutinized, tested, and reformed.
Throughout history, males have been dominant in subjugating females. The combination of biological aggression and social, economic, and political force has relegated females to much disadvantage and oppression. Whether justified by chauvinism, biological imperative, or other rationales, most men seem naturally to believe that a little “tag of tissue” entitles them to a raised echelon in many pecking orders.
The pressures for males to embody masculinity are relentless. Individual differences notwithstanding, males are expected to conform to characteristics and stereotypes that leave many men anxious and insecure and many women suffering the ill effects of toxic masculinity. The noxious and destructive results of frustration and unbridled aggression are writ large in violence, oppression, and societal tyranny, as well as played out in dysfunctional relationships interpersonally and communally.
Generally, our ideas, expectations, and aspirations about masculinity reinforce stereotypes that are largely unrealistic and destructive.
I’ve thought about this topic long and hard (you get the pun). It’s worth reviewing the obvious and underlying assumptions about masculinity in order to expose some harmful myths and compose more just, reasonable, and functional concepts about true and viable masculinity.
A classic vignette from Seinfeld illustrates the caricature comedy of “being a man.” In this vignette, a Jewish boy at his Bar Mitzvah suddenly gives Elaine an unexpected and overwhelming soul kiss, proudly proclaiming, “I’m a man!”
There are numerous stereotypes and conventions attesting to masculinity. Representations of machismo abound with pride and boldness in the prototype characters and models of most cultures. Action heroes in film, literature, and legend abound offering icons of masculinity supposedly to admire and emulate.
Here are some typical characteristics associated with masculinity:
The listed characteristics are examples of what composes a stereotypical masculine ideal. Given natural individual differences, such models are often unattainable and can be destructive. In some subcultures, manhood is marked by pinnacles of violence, epitomized by murder. The Mafia recognizes that one becomes a “made man” by “whacking” a target at a superior’s directive. Many gangs utilize similar initiation requirements.
Though these are repugnant extreme examples, aspirations to achieve and demonstrate masculinity too often result in violence, abuse, or oppressive domination. In the quest to be good enough, man enough, or simply to express frustration, much hatred is unleashed and violent crimes are committed with increasing frequency. Whether exhibited openly or subdued under the guise of manipulative control, there is a wave of toxic masculinity that pervades our culture. Many men justify their unacceptable behavior with rationalizations, victimhood, ego, and mistaken beliefs that tout egotistical and dominant demonstrations of masculinity as a paragon value.
For many, manhood is verified by sexual conquests including the rite of passage of losing virginity or deflowering a virgin.
In such a value system, approval, recognition, and dominance replace much human sensitivity and sensibility. There is a Texas saying:
“You ain’t a man until your daddy says you’re a man.”
We all want recognition and approval, especially from those who matter and influence us most. Surely, though, there is more to masculinity than that.
In constructing a picture of reasonable and healthy masculinity, it’s important to remember that both males and females have traits of masculinity and femininity. Although genetically influenced, individuals develop preferences, interest, habits, and behaviors in accord with their experiences and influences. Certain characteristics may align with conventional stereotypes of masculinity and femininity; however, they need not and should not define or limit these identities.
Many traits traverse genders, and each gender can embrace and embody characteristics and lifestyles traditionally associated with the opposite gender. I have had female patients who were truck drivers and construction workers and male patients who were fashion designers. Stay-at-home dads have become familiar. Many women have achieved positions of economic and political leadership. As well, there are professional male dancers (imagine the athleticism and discipline!) and professional women fighters, bodybuilders, and accomplished athletes in many sports.
We can become easily lulled and fooled into sexist ideas that diminish others and subject ourselves to unattainable and destructive stereotypes that mar self-image and healthy relationships.
There is a famous story from decades ago when a respected magazine published a picture of a beautifully formed naked breast. After much public outcry, the magazine published a picture showing the naked hairless breast embedded in the person’s full picture: it was the breast of famous champion swimmer Johnny Weismuller (Tarzan)! So much for androgyny and misrepresentation (and fantasy)!
Here’s another true story, one that resonates with my own developmental struggles with masculinity:
Dave Gschwend is a dear friend and Christian pastor. Years ago, he preached a sermon that ranks among the unforgettable. Dave was a high school wrestler who, like many adolescent males, was really into his body and its expression of his masculinity. As he tells it, one day he discovered a single chest hair sprouting on his bosom. Excited and proud, Dave beamed as he undressed in the locker room. He named this sole chest hair “Harry,” and he nurtured and combed it daily. Harry became his friend and badge of manhood. For Dave, it was a tangible symbol that he was becoming a man.
Though we may not like to remember or admit our puerile obsessions and fantasies, many of us have explored the wilderness of adolescence and sexual identity with embarrassment, confusion, fear, shame, and selfish acts. In a world that touts false ideals, many males are lost in the striving for identity, recognition, and acceptance. All too often, we take the bait of false models and the repercussions of familial and social trauma.
What then might healthy masculinity be?
I like the definition offered by Scott Galloway, prolific author and business professor at New York University. He says:
“Masculinity is choosing skills to aggregate strength, power and influence, such that you can protect and advocate for others.”
Galloway’s definition boils down masculinity to highlight its strength and leadership aspects in combination with the motivation and habit of serving, protecting, and caring for others.
By contrast, Galloway also offers candid self-disclosure that preceded his more mature masculinity. He says:
“When I was younger, I thought masculinity and being a man was being ripped, being buff, if you will, sleeping with as many strange women as possible and generally just making a s— ton of money at work. That’s how I defined masculinity.”
Truth be told, many men could resonate with Galloway’s confession—hopefully, in retrospect, and not proudly.
In constructing a healthy scaffold of masculinity, it’s important to realize that, in addition to debunking the chauvinistic stereotypes that form toxic masculinity, individual differences modify many of the traditional and healthy ideals. Not everyone can be athletic, muscular, emotionally restrained, affluent, or powerful in the classic sense. Body type, aggressiveness, emotional sensitivity, sexual drive, and other characteristics are distributed to each gender with significant individual variation. And sex—oh, the worship of sex—is far less of a determinant of masculinity than our cultural icons and fantasies would have us believe.
I suggest a model for healthy masculinity that builds upon Galloway’s outline and adds the motivation and habit of serving, protecting, and caring for others. I would also emphasize the importance of tenderness as a fundamental masculine trait. (Remember the song lyric and title: Try a Little Tenderness). People are naturally comforted by and attracted to the displays of tenderness. It should not be interpreted as weakness.
When one is secure in one’s identity, it becomes unnecessary to boast, exhibit bravado, or seek to dominate by causing misfortune or deprecation to others. Confidence can be exuded modestly and by example and support.
I have been fortunate in coming to terms over the years with who I am and the dimensions, limits, satisfactions, and frustrations of my own manhood. In things that matter most, I am very confident—and this allows and compels me to be ever mindful to avoid conceit and arrogance. To me, the challenge of masculinity is to develop and retain strength, influence, protectiveness, and sensitivity while growing in meekness and tenderness. Healthy masculinity means possessing sufficient resilience, confidence and ego strength to cope with and tolerate life’s challenges, adversities, and offenses. Confidence, perseverance, and strength without pride or arrogance—these are the elements worth developing. Compassion and humility are more important than displays of testosterone.
I want to be transtender—that is, tender toward males and females, whatever their identification, characteristics, or comfort is with their own masculinity and their judgment of others. I strive to be meek, to avoid ostentatious bravado and displays or intimations of being a know-it-all. I seek strength in encouraging others and building their confidence and sense of worth. I am by nature competitive; but wins for me blaze in the form of cooperation, forgiveness, integrity, and reconciliation. I ain’t from Texas and I ain’t a man unless my heavenly father approves of my heart and my behavior.
Masculinity is the yang component that drives and balances humanity and society. Our culture is in crisis. Millions of men are marginalized by environmental and personal limitations. There are too many men who are uneducated, without work, isolated, and lonely. Those individuals are likely to embrace toxic masculinity and to become dangerous and act out harmfully.
Formulating and developing healthy masculinity is incumbent upon all of us. It should be a joint effort between males and those they seek to impress. Valuing and reinforcing tenderness, strength, and confidence with restraint while nurturing the providing and protecting instinct will go far in averting and subduing toxic masculinity. In this regard, massive male failure leaves treacherous consequences. We must do better.
We need fathers: men who will be around and be responsible; men who will assume leadership with strength and tenderness; men who will guide and exemplify; men who will accept women as equal in aspiration and achievements and as no less female because they exhibit and nurture masculine traits. A woman who allows and encourages a man to cry and express tenderness is a loving and strong woman. A man who allows and encourages a woman to thrive and achieve is a strong and secure man.
Men who are transtender are not wimps. They are champs.
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
