Mistakes Your Parents Probably Made
Parents are vital influences in our lives. They transmit our genetic heritage and influence us from our earliest impressionable moments. This, of course, is not news. However, I’d like to refine the mainstream traditional psychological dogma regarding the assumed indelible imprint parents make on our childhood and beyond.
Though parents undoubtedly influence our behaviors, emotions, beliefs, and world views, their powers to form who we become are limited. After all, each of us is ultimately responsible for what we do and the character we develop and project into the world. Too many people feel and believe they are victimized and trapped by their earlier experience. At the extreme, some blame their parents, other authority figures, and society for the raw deal they received. They live in a self-imposed prison of anger, resentment, and mistrust. They rue the past, nurse their wounds and grievances, and find little relief or ways out of the effects of their past.
Others emerge from faulty parenting to become functional, if somewhat emotionally burdened or quirky and irksome in their habits. They take stock of themselves, sometimes seek therapy and avow not to subject their own children to the despised negative influences they experienced from their family of origin. Yet, people often find themselves reflexively copying their parents. How many times I’ve heard from patients the exclamation, “Oh, my God, I can’t believe it! I sound just like my mother!”
The experiences of parenting our children can powerfully mature us and propel us to greater wisdom and humility about the good and evil we experienced at the hands of our own parents. On the one hand, we may grow to appreciate how much our parents did for us and, on the other hand, to recognize their foibles and mistakes from an adult perspective that we could not have known as kids in their charge.
Whether psychologically rebelling against negative parenting, desatellizing from the emotional orbit and continued influence of parents (i.e., ceasing to get “pulled in” to dysfunctional patterns extended from upbringing), or simply becoming maturely able to pick and choose which of their elders’ attributes and behaviors they adopt and practice, most people are unaware of how their parents’ impact affected and formed them. They simply assume that the die is cast, or (naively) that they are automatically free from their parents’ traits and influences, simply because of conscious disavowal.
Therefore, I’d like to explain some of the dynamics underlying how we internalize behaviors and feelings from our parents, and what to do to break free from the shackling influences that may have once held us captive, but no longer must do so.
- Poor modeling—from our earliest days, we learn by copying.
There is intentional learning (including demonstrations, instructions, and guided practice) and incidental learning (including behaviors, emotions, and attitudes picked up from watching others,
often without their intent or awareness). Your parents taught you many things; you also learned and acquired behaviors from watching and copying them, much of it emotional and subconscious.
Your parents may have modeled many positive and adaptive behaviors. In addition, they most likely modeled a variety of negative and maladaptive ones. There is the old adage, “Do as I say, not as I do.” However, most youngsters see and go beyond this admonition to experiment for themselves. This may be pronounced when it comes to taboos or “adult” bad habits that parents inadvertently teach their children, despite their warnings to the contrary about such behaviors.
If your parents smoked, drank, used drugs, or hit you, the likelihood that you would eventually engage in these behaviors is much greater than if you were not subjected to such influences. That’s not to say that you couldn’t do these things out of independent volition, or that you are necessarily bound to repeat such actions. It’s just that the likelihood is greater due to earlier modeling.
People also tend to copy the parenting styles they received as children. Again, this is not etched in stone; rather, it tends to occur spontaneously in the absence of conscious decisions about one’s own parenting styles.
An insidious effect of poor modeling is the manner in which many parents handle their own negative emotions. If you witnessed a parent yell, become explosive, suffer great anxiety or fear, or withdraw because of depression, these memories tend to imprint coping mechanisms that become primary until other strategies, behaviors, and brain responses replace them.
The saying, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” is a guideline, not a deterministic curse. Genetic markers account for a lot, but so do environmental influences and conscious choices. We each have unique constitutional patterns, though our nervous systems, emotions, and thinking may be highly susceptible to early modeling.
- Denying or invalidating your emotions and traumas—one of the drastic mistakes parents make is that of minimizing, dismissing, or even denying the negative emotions and traumas that children experience, either from the parents or from their tragic experiences and perceptions of how the world treats them. Children internalize such responses as confusing, rejecting, and further traumatizing.
In trying to “toughen” their kids to life’s realities and harshness, parents may be dismissive (or even intolerant) of a child’s negative feelings. Despite reassuring the child that “it’s not that bad,” the child my feel rejected, hurt, or alienated. An extreme example of this is when parents ignore, refuse to deal with, or minimize the impact of molestation or abuse. Many, many of my patients have carried around these burdens for much of their lives, trying to understand their parents’ blindness or unsympathetic responses, and attempting to overcome the effects of such early traumas.
When parents disavow or minimize a child’s painful experiences, it leaves the child with a confused and fractured sense of reality, as well as impinging upon the child’s trust of others and self-confidence.
Invalidation, denial, or minimization need not be as dramatic or devastating as abuse. It can occur with routine life experiences, such as visiting a doctor, having an accident, or suffering a loss.
I remember losing a pet hamster when I was about nine years old. I found the hamster (Wendy) dead in her cage one rainy winter day. I was devastated and almost paralyzed. Unable to even look at my lifeless beloved pet, I called upon my parents for help. My father calmly picked the dead hamster up by its tail, deposited her in an empty Chinese food take-out container, handed me the open box, and said, “Here, take it out to the garbage.” I was flabbergasted and horrified. When I later cried to my dad, he said, unemotionally, “It’s just a hamster; you’ll get over it.” In retrospect, I know he was trying to be helpful, but he had no idea how much that hurt, nor how long the event and the feelings stuck with me. The combination of grief, anger, hurt, and confusion over what was wrong with me remained overwhelming for a long time.
When my best childhood friend, Howie, moved away, my father dismissively commented, “You’ll make other friends. He wasn’t such a nice kid anyway.” Wrong comment, wrong timing, and devastating! I know now that my father (who struggled with his own feelings and negativity) was not trying to hurt me. But this kind of invalidation and refusal to recognize my pain and to provide solace was quite damaging. (Fortunately, I am over these and many other traumas.)
Victims of abuse want and need recognition, validation, nurturing, and in some cases, justice. Sexual or physical abuse may not have occurred in your past (or may have, as these are unfortunately common). It’s likely, though, that you can recall significant and perhaps multiple times when your parents were inattentive or insensitive to your suffering. Moreover, they probably didn’t realize it, and subsequently acted surprised when you tried to tell them how much it affected you.
- Not teaching you how to manage your feelings—emotions are powerful forces. They are a vital part of experiencing oneself and the world; and they are the substrate of attachment, joy, and an important mechanism of survival. We tend to welcome and validate positive emotions (unless someone is too hyper about expressing them), but we are often uncomfortable and conflicted about negative emotions, both our own and those of others. Most people have a very hard time managing their negative feelings, and they become overwhelmed, avoidant, and dysfunctionally driven by their inability to manage the intensity of such feelings.
Our institutions have no good “curricula” for teaching and mentoring the incorporation of emotions into daily life. Rather, as a society, we respond to outbursts and excesses by chemical modification, recommendations for counseling, or simply by exhortations to “get a grip.” These are ineffective strategies, and they often worsen the problem for people who are having a hard time with their feelings.
Parents who struggle with their own emotions are less likely to provide their children with useful affective regulation and coping skills. Even well-meaning and well-balanced adults (including mental health professionals and others) try to convince youngsters to deal with their feelings through thought control, will power, and the propriety of rules and consequences. The problem is that overly intensified and runaway emotions do not respond well to reason and consequences. As a result, individuals who lack self-regulation and self-control encumber the added burdens of guilt and self-recriminations for the excesses of feelings they cannot manage well.
- Reinforcing maladaptive behaviors—along with the questionable modeling you may have observed and emulated while growing up, your parents probably reinforced patterns of behavior and interactions that were maladaptive. By overreacting or even highlighting what you did wrong, they inadvertently strengthened and increased the likelihood of such behavioral repetition. Yelling, reminding, and fault-finding all draw attention to unwanted behaviors. Through the power of behavioral reinforcement and habit formation, repeated attention—including unfavorable attention—almost always solidifies those unwanted behaviors and makes them much more likely to occur.
Under the guise of responsible “correcting,” your parents probably encouraged (inadvertently) the very acts they meant to discourage. It’s just the way that learning occurs. I have a saying: “Gravity doesn’t care.” Gravity is the same reliable natural force that can help or hinder you. Behavioral reinforcement works the same way. By pointing out your foibles or calling attention to what you didn’t do right, they highlighted and increased the likelihood you would repeat them. This is how we learn to procrastinate, tease, avoid, overeat, drink, etc. Along with runaway negative emotions and disregulated brain functioning, our significant elders inadvertently keep the snowball rolling.
- Omitting proper spiritual training—you may have grown up in a religious household or in a family that renounced religion and/or God. Perhaps you received religious instruction or were forced to attend church or synagogue. Maybe you sensed hypocrisy in that your parents observed outward rituals, but neither exhibited nor expressed the humility and relationship with a Creator that bespeaks a spiritual lifestyle.
Maybe, you were indeed raised with religious or spiritual training, and you willingly adopted such beliefs as your own. If so, you probably grew up more peaceably than if you thought your parents pushed religion upon you or if you sensed that they were too selfish or hypocritical.
From my perspective, here’s what’s paramount developmentally that most parents omit or deny: that each of us is vulnerable, and no one can get through life solely on his own skills and self-dependence. We need others, and that necessitates developing the character and qualities of compassion, humility, and sacrifice. Whatever you were taught and whatever your concept of a Divine Creator may be, it cannot be denied that life presents itself on more than a tangible, physical plane. Call it karma, God’s presence and protection, or the operation of intangible universal principles, it’s rare to go through life without experiences that transcend logic, reasoning, measurement, or material verification.
Though we cannot rely solely on intuition, gut feelings and self-trust are important, as is the awareness that life is bigger than the needs and feelings of each of us. It’s an unusual parent who teaches, demonstrates, and models this crucial aspect of belief and personhood. Consider yourself fortunate if you were the beneficiary of any of this type of spiritual mentoring.
- Teaching misguided beliefs—parents and adults in charge are the primary sources of information and beliefs for children, especially for younger children. As we grow up and learn to reason abstractly, we are more able to figure things out, form our own opinions, and filter prejudices and odd beliefs. Still, most kids are inculcated with or exposed to some odd or provincial beliefs by their parents. Such “truths” tend to be repeated and laden with emotional messages; thus, children are likely to internalize them before consciously questioning them later on.
Many odd beliefs arise from the traumas and fears our elders experienced. Under the guise of protection and wisdom, parents teach overtly or implicitly that certain things or people are dangerous or unsavory. Children are expected to accept these beliefs, and most do not challenge them openly.
Racial and ethnic prejudices are common and are handed down generationally. They may be reinforced by the culture or environment. Though my parents considered themselves liberal and progressively minded, I was raised in a family that was undeniably paranoid about anti-Semitism. My parents believed (and reinforced the teaching) that “the world” was out to “get” Jews, and that any doubt about this could only be judged as insufferable naiveté and ignorance—an especially heinous shortcoming if exhibited by other Jews. This belief manifested in (among other opinions and practices) my parents’ extreme suspicion of non-Jews and their lifetime boycott of all German products.
My parents had negative opinions about other ethnicities, though they did not consider themselves prejudiced or racist. This was difficult and confusing to me for many years. Their opinions and advice clashed sharply with my own life experiences and sense of compassion, fairness, and justice.
Parents may also transmit exotic beliefs about behavioral practices, diet, male and female personas, etc. To the child who views and relies on his parents as reliable (and perhaps infallible) sources of truth, such strange beliefs can proactively interfere with the development of critical thinking practices and the skills needed for wholesome relationships.
Children must heed their parents’ guidance and sanctions, up to a point. The boundary lines become blurred and contaminated by exotic, prejudicial, and unrealistic beliefs.
Overcoming Parental Mistakes
Your parents made mistakes. Perhaps they made damaging mistakes, scarring you psychologically and resulting in your lingering resentments and limitations. So, what can you do?
Bearing in mind the significance of parental influences, it’s also critical to know that your parents’ mistakes need not continue to impair or limit you. That die is not cast, unless you make it so. Ultimately, you are responsible for yourself, and your freedom of choice can be much greater than you may have assumed. Here are some tips for overcoming your parents’ mistakes:
First, realize and accept that your parents did their job as best they could. This means that they brought you into the world (your biological parents, that is, though others may have raised you) and provided you with material provisions and at least some protection and opportunities. Though they may have been self-absorbed and faulty, they sacrificed for you, as all parents must do. Because you survived into adulthood, your parents did their job, biologically—which is their mammalian mandate. This stark reality is a fundamental truth that serves as a platform for letting go of infantile fantasies in the face of a harsh and confusing world. Though you may have had a deprived, incomplete, or traumatic childhood, you made it! You can now go forward on your own. Accepting and believing this is key to a liberating maturity.
Second, it’s always time to forgive. When people wrong you, they’ll get over it; but you may not, unless you choose to forgive. Your parents may not “deserve” forgiveness, but it’s within your power to grant it. Forgiving means canceling the debt—nothing is owed to you on that matter.
Third, the big issue for most people in transcending their “stuckness” from childhood is the healing of traumas and the establishment of self-regulated emotional functioning. Your parents (and life) may have damaged you. But you don’t have to stay that way or self-medicate yourself to cope and escape. There are effective, non-drug treatments for eliminating traumas and training your brain to function with more stability, calmness, flexibility and peace. EEG neurofeedback, Thought Field Therapy, and Voice Technology have worked for many thousands of people—why not you, too? It’s amazing and liberating that you can get over being stuck in the past and, instead, find who you truly can be in the present and future. As you are progressively able to do so, you will better separate psychologically from your family of origin, and you will be less bound to repeat maladaptive behaviors. You must learn to see yourself as being much more the potential of tomorrow than the product of yesterday.
Fourth, you need not parent in the same way your parents treated you. Adulthood brings the abstract reasoning skills and opportunities to learn from past mistakes and to make strategic modifications. Along with healing traumas and functioning well emotionally, you can stop repeating (your parents’) errors and dysfunction by learning and practicing the tools of behavior modification and habits. My book, Living Intact: Challenge and Choice in Tough Times provides an excellent start.
And, fifth, your spiritual outlook and connections are up to you. Your parents may have given you a good head start, or they may have soured or misled you. Don’t let past experiences, dogma, or social pressures constrict or contaminate you. Fortunately, we live in a society that allows freedom of thought and faith. However, you are the only one who can make up your mind about what’s true and useful and determine the course of your own beliefs and practices.
