Living a better life and becoming better at living life are the purposes to which I dedicate myself to helping others. Doing this with practicality and common sense requires addressing the nitty-gritty of what stumps people and derails them from happiness, functionality, and productivity.
Toward this end, it’s time for some “serious talk,” as Fred Rogers (Mister Rogers) would sometimes feature on his iconic children’s show. Mister Rogers held the development, recognition, and care of children’s emotions as a bedrock of his well-received contribution to children’s television for decades. I recognize and value the emotions of people of all ages as fundamental to attitudes, behavioral habits, and satisfaction.
Through decades of professional practice and personal experience, I’ve come to acknowledge the powerful ways in which emotions motivate, interact, and interfere with our responses, treatment of others, and, ultimately, our self-concept and self-esteem.
The basis of persistent negative emotions often lies in unresolved traumas. When faced with conflict and the need to address grievances, progress is often obstructed or stalled because the merits of grievances and methods for resolving them are occluded by negative emotional overwhelm. To legitimately address and settle grievances, we must separate them from the trauma-infused emotions and resolve the negative emotional intrusion into the relational matters at hand.
Let’s dive into this serious talk in three steps: first, let’s outline some fundamental negative emotions; second, let’s examine how such feelings drive and determine motivation and conflict resolution; third, we’ll review some perspective and solutions to taking control of powerful feelings that often subvert us.
We all have a range of emotions, a spectrum of feelings comprising negative and positive affect. Of course, we favor the pleasant and positive feelings and strive to experience and maintain them as much as we can. Negative emotions are also normal and included in the ways we react to life and especially to adversity. Emotional discomfort can arise from within, as the brain and nervous system respond defensively or overreact. Negative feelings can prompt responses that protect us, avoid danger, and set limits for others. Negative emotions become a problem when they assert themselves intrusively and frequently, and especially when they overwhelm us, breach our self-control, or extend inappropriately to particular circumstances.
The influence and overreach of negative emotions is a key factor in both mental health disorders and the common challenges everyone faces in managing survival and achieving a more desirable life.
Calling certain emotions savage is a strident description of powerful feelings that can overwhelm, underlie, and affect the persistence and intensity of our behaviors. The notion of savage stirs connotations of severe, unrestrained, and primitive elements to feelings that are driven by a combination of neurochemical responses, perceived needs, learned experience, and beliefs and attitudes deriving from the aforementioned.
From among the assortment of negative emotions that can usurp control and surreptitiously sway or govern behavior in counterproductive ways, I highlight the following and reveal the underlying dynamic that fuels each:
To be guilty, to feel guilty (which is appropriate to wrongdoing) is the conviction, acknowledgment, or awareness of wrongdoing or trespass. Naturally, we make mistakes and sin, for that is the human condition and vulnerability. Guilt is felt through a conscience that serves to keep us in line and potentially correct future behavior and make amends to those upon whom we’ve transgressed.
Guilt feelings result in a dynamic of owing the party you’ve wronged. Unfortunately, the continuation of guilt feelings can fuel debt-motivated decisions to use currency as make-up or appeasement. To allay guilty feelings (which may persist even after repentance, forgiveness, or compensation have been made), attempts to buy love or peace or shower with materialism are futile methods to resolve the guilty feelings.
Anger is a natural feeling that’s bound to occur when we feel threatened or frustrated. Sometimes, anger can help survival by showing a protective stance and causing perceived enemies to back off. There is also a righteous anger that we feel when faced with injustice or vicariously witnessing seeming unfairness in life: mass shootings, childhood cancer, abuse, oppression, environmental disasters, etc. That kind of anger can arise from compassion or helplessness.
However, most anger is a cover up for hurt; and hurt people tend to hurt people. For many, anger is a conditioned response to not getting one’s way. People who build up anger spend a lot of time and energy waiting for “debts” that can never be repaid. Everybody owes them. Nothing pleases them. Anger intensifies and spreads. A heart filled with anger is a heart looking to be paid back. An angry heart fuels an attitude in which actual or perceived wrongs are magnified and justified with emotional retribution. Sustained and nurtured anger destroys from within and decimates relationships. No amount of compensation satisfies it.
Technically, greed is not an emotion in and of itself. It’s an underlying attitude and dynamic that orients behavior toward acquisition. Greed is a composite of desire and fear, two emotions that can combine to motivate behavior around accumulating money and assets and protecting oneself for the sake of security.
Greed is a chameleon that disguises itself in forms such as ambition, thrift, and preoccupation or excessive devotion to money or material possessions. The underlying dynamics that fuel greed are fear, the obsessive gratification through accumulating money and stuff, an identification of self-worth through assets, and a sense of entitlement that says, “I owe myself because I deserve it; no one will take care of me as well as I can.”
Greedy people talk or worry about money a lot, are not cheerful givers, are reluctant to share, are poor losers, quibble over money, talk as if they have just enough to get by, won’t let you forget what they’ve done for you, are reluctant to express gratitude, aren’t content with what they have, and attempt to control people with their money. There never seems to be enough to satisfy their needs. Their security and control comes from outward things.
The “I owe me” mentality that underlies greed also applies to the overindulgence of appetites. Excessive or inappropriate catering to one’s appetites reinforces a habit of preoccupation with “getting” to satisfy one’s conditioned or perceived desires. This can result in addictions or an unhealthy focus on sensual pleasures.
It is very tempting to covet the good fortune of others. This is true in the realms of material possessions, worldly success, recognition and achievement, and personal appearance or attributes. While “the grass is always greener in someone else’s back yard” may be a reflection of our suppositions, envy and jealousy can become obsessive ways of dealing with one’s own dissatisfaction.
Envy is the longing for what someone else has. Jealousy is the feeling that what someone else has rightfully belongs to you—as if God erred in his distribution. Jealousy and envy go hand-in-hand with self-pity. Not far beneath this is blame: someone else (God?) is responsible for not giving me what I should have, what is rightfully mine.
Strong desires that remain frustrated result in conflicts, quarrels, and fractured relationships. Jealousy and envy stoke inner fires of possessiveness, fear, and emptiness. The tendency to blame feeds the fires.
Jealousy and envy result from a thwarted sense of justice in which the individual feels unfairly judged or deprived. Things have unfairly been withheld or taken away in favor of someone else.
Appetites that are never fully satisfied can project into jealousy and envy. This can translate into trying to squeeze your happiness and contentment out of the people around you.
Whereas jealousy and envy target specific objects of covetousness (someone else has what I should have), entitlement is a broader attitude and world view that sustains and self-justifies perceptions and reactions. One may specifically feel and claim entitlement in some instances: a warrantee or ownership “entitles” me to certain services or privileges. These are legitimate properties that accrue from the rules and laws of man and commerce
But, an attitude of entitlement is far more pervasive and is often unbridled and subconscious.
To simplify the operations and complexities of human behavior, I sometimes divide people into two categories: those who think and act as if the world owes them, and those who understand that life, blessings, and favor are gifts, all is temporary, and we should not assume that life owes us anything.
An attitude of entitlement is a launching pad for missiles of self-righteous indignation when things don’t go one’s way. From major disappointments (e.g., not getting that admission, job, house, or relationship) to minor frustrations (somebody cuts in front of you; the restaurant or market is out of your desired food, etc.), a sense of entitlement protrudes from deep inside in forms such as taking offense, sour moods, criticism and anger, and even claims of foul play. Imagine: Things didn’t go my way! How dare the universe affront me!
Most people are not good at self-observation. Even for those with discerning skills, it’s difficult to recognize and admit the pervasive saturation of perception with one’s own needs and expectations. There’s a natural human tendency to respond when things to go our way by reacting with self-pity, blame or a combination of both. It’s simply hard to accept the elusive and painful reality that the world doesn’t revolve around us and our desires.
If you look around and experiment with the dividing filter I suggested— people who think and act as if the world owes them, and those who understand that life, blessings, and favor are gifts, all is temporary, and we should not assume that life owes us anything—you’ll be amazed at the rampant and blind selfishness exhibited by so many in response to things not going their way.
Entitlement is a combination of beliefs and attitudes. It also subsumes the influence of other raw emotions, such as anger, fear, frustration, and the underlying dynamics of greed and envy.
Anxiety, fear, and their many manifestations and symptoms underlie so very much of human behavior. We can never fully get rid of these intense emotions, nor ought we to completely dissolve them, for they are fundamentally hardwired and basic to survival.
The problem is that for so many, anxiety and fear overflow and flood subjective unpleasant feelings fueled by an overreaction of fight-or-flight physiological response.
When the nervous system jumps into high alert, the conscious mind constructs a narrative that matches the internal panic. In response to danger or threat (actual or perceived) the brain formulates a story to interpret the drama of the body’s automatic response and match it with circumstances. Sometimes, there is palpable danger or threat; in these cases, the body and brain need to gear up for action, protection and defense, and readiness for the “just in case” mode. The survival response is appropriate and useful when actual threat and internal response coincide.
However, far too often, the brain and nervous system react as if there is substantial threat, even in the clear absence of such. It’s a potential projected, rehearsed, and experienced as if it were happening in the present. This real time fear response is commonly conscious in the forms of phobias, worries, self-consciousness and social or performance anxiety. People afflicted with these habitual negative emotions know they are anxious. They do what they can to lessen the anxiety or avoid the stimulus.
Just as troubling and more ubiquitous is the unconscious influence of fear and anxiety in everyday responses to life problems, challenges, and ordinary activities. If one has a suspicious nature, a history of being taken advantage of, or general trust issues, these will undoubtedly overshadow a fair interpretation of the motivations and actions of others.
Psychological and material insecurity will color perceptions and decisions and often override conscious awareness of their influence. When you’re trying to end a disagreement or dispel inner negative expectations, the effects of past trauma often sway reactions with influences beyond conscious awareness. It’s hard to be impartial, to evaluate and plan judiciously with a pounding heart and fearful forecast.
Sadness, depression, sorrow, hopelessness—these are among the most devastating and intense emotions. We all feel them, as life rends with loss, tragedies, injuries, disappointments, and traumas. Experiencing down times is normal. But, when the gloom and doom becomes a way of life, a home-base brain state, then we are in deep trouble. Helplessness and hopelessness characterize a persistence of sad feelings.
Continuing sadness deflates motivation and replaces it with a sense of “what’s the use?” Negative expectations intrude and suffuse, and the sense that nothing really matters appears as the overarching reality. In this state, self-determination and power are crushed.
Loneliness, isolation, dejection, and rejection supplant or replace feelings of worth and significance. One has faltering purpose and limited faith.
The inner voice insists, “Since this the way the world is (and I am), nothing really matters, so I might as well not care or try—it will only hurt more.”
It follows, then, that with this governing state of mind, resources to deal effectively with life are unavailable or simply not deployed.
Now that we’ve identified and described some fundamental savage emotions and translated them into underlying dynamic themes, it’s time to examine how traumas and grievances become enmeshed in relationships and conflicts and the role that savage emotions play in obstructing resolution and harmony.
We are biologically wired to have relationships. Our central nervous systems gear us to connect with other humans, and our brains are oriented to engage socially, work collaboratively, and defend ourselves individually and collectively for survival.
In addition to responding to neurologically and functionally embedded necessities, having relationships can be deeply emotionally gratifying, providing connection, comfort and soothing, support and nurturing, companionship, and intimacy. Relationships comprise the architecture for trust, sex, sharing, teaching and learning, and the utility and mutual rewards that result from human beings bonding together into communities.
Intimate relationships—including nonsexual ones—are the safe places in which people can be truly themselves, find love and acceptance (warts and all), and fulfill the yearnings for connection that are so vital for emotional flourishing.
However, intimate relationships can also breed ambivalence, conflict, resentment, and trauma. Any emotional and contractual environment that signals dependence and need carries the potential for and probability of mixed allegiances: the ongoing commitment and devotion to the other person in the relationship having to meld with the unfettered assertion of one’s own identity, values, boundaries, desires, and beliefs.
There is an old joke that describes a guy complaining about his dentist, and specifically how painful the visits are and how insensitive the dentist seems to his pain and suffering.
A friend suggests, “Have you discussed these problems with your dentist and your feelings about how he is hurting you?”
“Are you kidding?” cries the man. “I might have to go back to him for treatment!”
Such is the quandary of the potential to become dependent and enmeshed with those we need and who sometimes may ignore, deny, disrespect, or infringe upon us. Intimacy can be a double-edged sword with obvious benefits and prospective risks.
When we attempt to sort out the conflicts, frustrations, and unfulfilled expectations that we could conceivably experience in a relationship, it would be useful to have a guidance system to help us wend our way through feelings of ambivalence, ambiguity, uncertainty, and resentment. The breaches of trust that can occur are best understood if they are viewed in terms of their origins: traumas and grievances.
A trauma may result from the following:
The traditional concept of trauma is predicated on an assumption of a catastrophic event outside the range of usual experience. However, trauma encompasses a much broader range of causal situations and is a very common occurrence. Traumas are universal, and they occur intermittently in everyone’s life. Recovering from traumas is necessary for basic physical functioning and mental and emotional health, and can be accomplished routinely by most people (given the right tools, training, and support).
In order to understand these points, you must start with the assumption that we all have vulnerabilities.
Vulnerabilities make us physically and psychologically prone to attack and to breakdown from life’s events and forces.
As we accumulate experiences and get to know ourselves, we can ideally identify (and often protect ourselves) against many of our own vulnerabilities. Certain vulnerabilities are genetically coded and specific. Vulnerabilities are the weak links that allow us to become ill or dysfunctional in a myriad of ways. For example, it is well known that particular diseases tend to run in families. A family history of heart disease, diabetes, depression, etc. doesn’t determine that you will be afflicted with these conditions, but it does weigh the odds that put you at greater statistical risk.
Trauma occurs when we are caught in an “attack” on one of our “weak links,” whether the attack was intentional, random, or even imagined. The essence of trauma is that it penetrates defenses, seizes upon vulnerability, and leaves us feeling hurt, defenseless, and usually causes us to “relive” in some way the embedded traumatic experience. Common sense observation and your own experiences will confirm this cause and effect link.
After a vehicle accident or near-accident, many people habitually tend to tense up when reminders or even vaguely similar conditions present themselves, as if girding up for another accident. For example, suppose you were in an auto accident that really rattled you, perhaps even injured you. For a long time afterward, you might become anxious when approaching the scene of that accident. Or, say the police were pursuing a speeding car that blew through a red light and almost hit your car. Subsequently, you might panic whenever you hear in the distance the sound of a police siren while you are driving. This reaction evokes both physiological (fight-or-flight) and psychological / mental / emotional responses. The set of defensive responses to an anticipated offending event (in the absence of its presence or direct evidence that it will necessarily occur) is called perseveration: responding to an event that is no longer present.
There are indeed many forms of trauma that occur when people are subjected to harsh conditions, abuse, overwhelming negativity, rejection, racism, isolation, poverty, and so forth. For many people, however, it is overwhelming enough even to have to deal with the more mundane traumas that result from the daily interactions, demands, and conflicts typically associated with ordinary relationships.
When your spouse, boss, friend, child, relative, partner, teammate, peer does not react in the way you want or expect, it can be emotionally traumatic. You need not be oversensitive or even know that the trauma is occurring. You can, however, tell by the after effects. Remember: the nature of trauma is that it causes us to relive or anticipate an event or reaction that previously left us hurt, shocked, exposed, or defenseless. So, when you find yourself (or your relationship partner) re-visiting the same conflicts, scripts, and (quickly accelerated) emotional responses to the faintest of cues, you will know that a trauma has been incited and activated.
For these traumas, you don’t need access to an emergency room or years of therapy. What you do need is the realization that you are probably reacting to some provocation that stimulates a less than conscious, unresolved emotional vulnerability that initiated a trauma. Such awareness will enable you to see your inner responses and your outward behavior as reactions to a trauma that you may perceive viscerally as necessary, but which are neither a function of choice and clear thinking, nor conducive to planning, keen observation, evaluation, and problem-solving.
Among the many areas that cause disturbance and conflict in relationships are:
When your partner is disinterested in or demanding of sex, when your spouse overspends or won’t spend, when your child defies, disrespects you, or habitually fails to follow through, you may become more than emotionally miffed—you may be traumatized. And when your child is continually on the receiving end of negative feedback, he/she too may be traumatized.
One of the most common complaints—and the one that underlies disinterest, lack of motivation, and “negative forecasting”—is some version of:
“No matter what I do, it won’t be good enough.”
And, with that signature, the disappointed and traumatized person further disengages from the connection in the relationship. When we feel that there is no use, no good anticipated outcome, we try less or stop trying altogether.
We are so caught up in defending and protecting ourselves, in rationalizing our point of view and “rightness” about situations, beliefs, and needs that we often neglect to be objective. Objectivity is critical for having sympathy for and receptivity to the other person and also for shaping procedures for successful negotiation, compromise, rational decision-making, and accountability. Being objective is a practiced skill, and it does not mean that you abandon your emotional investment or your values and beliefs. Your emotions, values, reasoning, and beliefs should help you to be grounded, confident, and secure, rather than launch you into battle upon the slightest provocation or perceived threat. When you overreact, you can be sure that this is linked to trauma.
To be clear: by linking trauma to the emotional overreactions triggered by disputes, disappointments, and resentments in your relationships, I’m not pontificating about some mysterious childhood experience buried deep in your subconscious. I’m highlighting a repetitive (often automatic) emotional overreaction (either internally, externally, or both) to a relationship dissatisfaction or provocation that becomes overextended because it accesses some trauma related to the person, interaction, or topic. This overextension causes anguish, reflexively selfish, defensive, and protective behavior, and sometimes attack or lashing out. The reaction is counterproductive and inimical to intimacy, positive connection, and problem resolution.
When you identify the reaction as a response to trauma and you deal with the trauma (the context) as separate from the topic of dispute (the content), you can calm down, feel better, and consciously choose to engage in connection, intimacy, and the potential for resolution.
In order to effectively do this, you need also to understand and articulate grievances and to differentiate the rationale and evidence of the dispute from the emotional overlay that disguises it.
We typically find the word grievance in a formal context, such as a court proceeding or a labor dispute. This is in accordance with living in a rule-based society where there are procedures for petitioning or complaining about violations and transgressions of the codified rules.
A grievance can be:
In presenting a grievance, the person petitioning or complaining (yes, this word is legitimate) must do two things:
Grievances are based upon breaches of contracts or agreements; these breaches are, in essence, violations of rules. Some rules are written into law, while others are commonly accepted by values in the culture of concern.
For example, if you withhold money from someone or some agency that makes a demand upon you, it is required that you establish a reason for not paying (e.g., failure to perform as promised). It is not sufficient to say that you “feel” that you do not owe the money.
If a student challenges a grade received, he must reference the basis upon which the grading was made or was said to have been made, and he must match his performance in regard to such standards.
To expand upon this concept and to make it relevant to your issues and relationships, think of a situation or two in which you believe (and feel) that someone has wronged you. Perhaps a family member treats you poorly or doesn’t respect you. A person disregards your boundaries, takes advantage of you, embarrasses you, or makes you feel diminished. Perhaps you are not given what you are entitled to: affection, intimacy, recognition and acknowledgment, support, credit…
Perhaps you are not listened to, considered, or given a say. Maybe you are blamed for something that you didn’t do, or someone else got off easy when you didn’t.
Surely we all have strong negative feelings when these things happen to us; and, of course, they happen in the natural course of life, often on a regular basis.
To break the cycle of frustration and “hitting your head against a wall” in trying to meet your needs and convince those in relationship with you to accede to your wishes, you will need to form the habits and skills involved in clarifying and articulating grievances. To do so effectively, you must get your emotions under control, identify and separate the traumatic, very personalized responses from the merits of your case, and get your relationship partner to the table (or perhaps a forum with a third party) to present evidence of the transgressions against you and the obligation and feasibility of addressing those violations.
Even when you become skilled in such self-control and interpersonal negotiations, you may not always get what you think you deserve. However, the satisfaction and confidence that accrues from maturely and self-sufficiently dealing with your own overexcitement and negativity will supersede the anguish and frustration of being ignored or mistreated.
No one likes rejection or mistreatment. We all want to get our own way, and each of us thinks he is right (even when, paradoxically, we may not truly believe in ourselves). Even in the face of intransigence, selfishness, and violation on the part of those who are supposed to honor and care for us (or at least be fair), it is routinely viable to consciously separate traumas from grievances, heal our own traumas, and express grievances in a rational, articulate, non-blaming manner, so that the other party can face the real issues and facts without obstructions and the need to resort to defenses in order to ward off drama-laden attacks or runaway emotionality.
Traumas and grievances are inherent parts of reacting emotionally to people who matter to us and to situations that we perceive to threaten our wholeness and sense of fairness. By habitually identifying them and sorting them into separate and connected matters of strong feelings and accountability, we can preserve our sense of integrity and worthiness and create more win-win solutions or at least satisfactory compromises in relationships.
It’s time to provide ways to respond to the negative feelings and attitudes that interfere with the outcomes you truly desire.
There are different methods of reducing the takeover of savage emotions, some of which you may be familiar with or have tried: medications, calming practices (including prayer), exercise, various therapies, etc.
Here, I’m going to acquaint you with responses that directly address and counteract the imposing forces behind the savage emotions previously listed. The responses for each are a combination of decisions, heart attitudes, and actions that neutralize these destructive feelings.
A guilty conscience is a constant and inescapable burden. It nags with the reminder that something you’ve done leaves you owing someone else for your transgression. The solution is to face your responsibility, admit your wrongdoing, and acknowledge the wrong and the possible effects on someone else. A bit of honesty with yourself is the precedent, followed by admission to God (who sees everything), and confession to the party you have offended.
You need not necessarily make a public spectacle of confessing. Just be specific about what you did wrong and communicate this to the recipient. How the person responds or whether he lets you off the hook is not the point. The objective is to free yourself of the pestering burden of conscience. If it is possible and fitting, you can attempt to redress the grievance by compensating the one you’ve hurt along with a sincere apology.
Continual anger eats away from the inside. Anger is the wound that continues to fester from the hurt experienced by someone’s perpetration against you. Someone who offends you may get over it; but, if you continue to brood or harbor resentment over it, you may not get over it. Thus, it is important to release your anger. Assuming the role of victim (even subconsciously) keeps you quite stuck.
The way to get rid of anger is to forgive. Though it may seem counterintuitive and logically incorrect, it is only through forgiveness that you can stop the hurt and anger. To escape bitterness, you must relinquish the idea that someone owes you: whatever it may be—an apology or admission, money or material loss, betrayal… Forgiveness means that the debt is canceled. Only you can make this determination and decision. Doing so will give you back your power and freedom from the strangling grip of anger.
Using your story and justification for remaining angry will only intensify the pain and sense of victimization. Even if the other person is wrong—you have the power to let it go. It’s a choice you can make that will liberate you from laboring under the yearning to be repaid for debts that probably won’t happen. Forgiveness releases you from heartache, anger, and alienation.
Besides its source as a reaction to hurt or injustice, anger is a convenient and manipulative method of attempting to get what you want through intimidation, bullying, or inflicting fear. Though it may produce short-term gratification, this habit will backfire and hurt you far beyond the temporary gains it may yield.
Since anger is a primitive and savage response to frustration, it also arises frequently when life doesn’t give you what you want. Anger can be a generalized gut response to not getting your way, even when not directed specifically against a person or event.
You can forgive others, forgive a harsh world, and forgive yourself for selfish overreacting. Forgiveness is one of the most loving and effective responses to feeling hurt or resentful.
Greed can be hard to recognize in oneself. Whereas other savage emotions can be justified or draw sympathy, few people have tolerance for greed.
The key tip-off in the “owing or need” paradigm is the concept that one deserves something. You may deserve love or have something coming to you on the basis of merit. You may deserve a reward or compensation for your efforts. But, greed is an attitude (resulting in behavioral tendencies) of seeking, supplying, or catering to yourself on the basis of deserving or owing yourself in excess in order to palliate or satisfy some emotional need. It grows and eventually becomes insatiable.
When you recognize this tendency, an effective response is generosity. Even for those who are not overtly or discernibly greedy, it’s a natural human proclivity to come from a context of scarcity. This attitude belies an underlying fear of insecurity in material sufficiency or protective, safe well-being. What if I run out of money (food, toilet paper, likes, approval, attention, etc.)? Thus, the reactive tendency intrudes to over acquire or stock up provisions, credits, favors, and so forth.
Most of us have so much stuff. Giving a good amount of it away has a cleansing effect. Generosity not only blesses others—it frees you up from the shackles of attachment and demonstrates to yourself that you can survive and thrive in a flexible variety of material accouterments and circumstances. Over attachment to things and security detracts from the sacrifices and security derived from serving people.
We all want to be taken care of. When you realize and bask in the belief that God really does and will take care of you, it’s easier to give, rather than to cling. Always wanting to get more induces a terrible pressure on oneself. Generosity curiously and reliably offsets the encroaching trap of greediness.
Owing yourself can also snare you in the confines of poor self-control with regard to appetites or addictions. Surely, these afflictions are grounded in neurophysiological aberrations that require interventive actions. However, it’s deceptively easy to palliate oneself with the rationale that indulgence is needed for comfort or the relief of pain. “one drink won’t hurt me,” or “I deserve dessert. I earned it through … (effort or performance).”
Practice being generous. Tithe or give charitably. Limit unnecessary acquisitions. Give away what you don’t use or need. Welcome the discipline of reducing self-indulgence.
What you really owe yourself is to take care of yourself and others. You can do it better with less self-indulgence.
On the theme of wanting to get more, we encounter the problem of jealousy and envy. Jealousy is the feeling and belief that someone has received or taken what is rightfully yours. Envy is a broader feeling and belief that you want or deserve what someone else has. Jealousy demands a transfer or redistribution: give it back to me! That partner, that job belongs to me! Envy is more liberal, but nonetheless covets. It’s okay for you to have it as long as I have it, too.
Jealousy and envy justify themselves with a judgmental assessment of the distribution of assets and fortune. Ultimately, they are savage emotions that criticize God for what he chooses to give to whomever gets it. These emotions and attitudes subsume anger, resentment, greed, insecurity, and fear.
Brooding over perceived inequities is really sitting in criticism of God and choosing one’s own values, appraisals, and desires over what God has decreed.
You may indeed believe that you’ve been deprived of what is or should be yours. And, perhaps, you would be justified by facts or the sympathy and support of others. You may have a grievance that merits recourse. However, the feeling of being jilted or victimized by injustice can foment perceived unfairness into roiling covetousness and resentment.
The escape from jealousy and envy is celebration. This flips unhealthy yearning into recognition, satisfaction, and joy with what is and what one has. To celebrate is to revel in blessing, good fortune, and existence, as is. When you celebrate, you are accepting God’s will and praising him for who he is, what he does, and what he gives.
Celebrating will allow you to conquer emotions that have the potential to drive a wedge in relationships. Counteracting jealousy and envy also requires a rejection of taking pleasure in the misfortune of others. To gain satisfaction in the trouble of others or by seeing them “taken down a peg” is a perverse way of boosting one’s own self-worth. You don’t really gain by the affliction or misfortune of others. It’s better to celebrate the success of others.
The practice of celebration breeds acceptance and contentment. There is always a lot for which to be thankful and accord recognition.
In the simplistic and stark division of attitudes toward life, there are those who think and act as if the world owes them, and those who understand that life, blessings, and favor are gifts, all is temporary, and we should not assume that life owes us anything.
An attitude of entitlement is an insidious lining of self-image that reflects an outward posture of demand and assumption that one is entitled (at least most of the time) to have one’s way. Entitle-minded individuals are blind to this aspect of themselves. Selfishness should not be at issue if one is owed something—it is simply a right, right? Not so: though one may be entitled by contract or rules, there is no decree (or reality) that life should cater to one’s needs, wishes, or expectations.
This is a universal problem of human self-absorption and pride. Some are held more captive than others. Its natural (though often uncomfortable) solution is humility.
Finding out that you are not the center, that your importance is negligible in the scheme of things can be shocking. We live in our egos and thrive in the practice of survival, which somehow tends to accumulate and embed the idea that we should come first in every matter. Rationality and consequences can keep it at bay, but the need for prominence and surpassing significance rears its impulse often in the assertion of individual sovereignty and instinctive response of righteous indignation when the universe doesn’t bow to our wishes, great and small.
Whether or not one has an inflated sense of self worth, there is the pitfall of collecting injustices: the satisfying, though pungent, process of reviewing, refining, and extending the list of resentments, grievances, and notations of those who have failed to recognize one’s special status.
We see it not only in sulking and self-pity, but in the proclamations of “unfairness.” Indeed, life is often unfair, especially in the eyes of those who judge with their own investments. But, no one is exempt from the will of God and the seeming caprice of the world.
Turning from entitlement to an attitude and lifestyle of humility is a gradual and difficult course, yet its rewards are unsurpassed. As you allow the transformation of humility to occur, you will increasingly recognize your own tendencies to put yourself first, assert your privileges and rights, and justify your entitlements. With God’s help, it will gradually become easier for you to set aside your beliefs and feelings about what you are owed. You will more keenly discern how others harbor and display these entitlement tendencies, and you will see how it blinds them.
You will become less frustrated when life doesn’t deliver what you want in the manner and time you desire. You will handle conflict better, as you become less invested in “winning” and more focused on surrender, sacrifice, and peace. You will savor and appreciate what you have and feel more comfortable about releasing what is withheld, required, or taken away. You will grow toward greater understanding that everything in your life is a gift from God.
You will become less demanding, more patient and understanding. You will cherish the blessing of sympathy and empathy and look for opportunities to practice and exercise them. Others will feel more at ease with you, and you will notice a decrease in the frequency and intensity of threat.
The wonder and mysteries of nature will capture your fancy with renewed excitement and awe. You will find the energy to serve others, even when you are depleted. You will continually experience the astonishing revelation that you are at once and forever small and insignificant in the scheme of things and yet unique, precious, loved, and very important to God. You will want to share this blessing with others because you know how much it means to you.
As you grow more familiar with humility, you will love more deeply and find it easier to relinquish your old habits.
Endemic to being mammal, some amount of anxiety and fear is inescapable. These responses are wired into our nervous systems and serve to protect us from potential harm. However, it’s very common for the human nervous system to readily escalate into fight-or-flight mode that the brain eventually generalizes to situations that are not threatening. Thus, life circumstances can set off a series of overly sensitized false alarms, even when logic and reality verification indicate the lack of threat or danger.
The solution to this escalation problem is the development and maintenance of the brain’s self-regulation mechanisms, along with habits of self-soothing that one can employ to de-escalate or vanquish unnecessary fear. The natural response of the logical mind by the anxious person and those around him is to attempt to “explain” away misperceived source of anxiety and fear. This rarely works, especially on a consistent basis. Inappropriate anxiety and fear are not rational, and those beset by them know this. Therefore, logic, reassurance, and reframing are futile, however well-intended.
There are many approaches to mitigating anxiety and fear: medicines, therapies, calming techniques and disciplines, exercises, technological brain methods, etc. I devote a lot of my professional efforts to helping patients rid themselves of these afflictions—anxieties and fears interfere with the functioning and well-being of a large percentage of people, including those we would not classify as having mental illness.
In conjunction with the efficacy of remedies—and our remedies indeed work very well—every person must develop the internal systems and lifestyle tools to keep fear and anxiety from dominating emotional life, decisions, judgment, productivity, and relationships. Nobody is immune to trauma or adversity; nor should we expect that we would not be induced by crises, misperceptions, and troubles into provocations and overreactions. Therefore, the ability to return to serenity as a home base is crucial.
Despite occasional excursions into overarousal and overreactions, you can develop resilience to being hijacked by anxiety and fear. Even if you are prone to panic or routine anxiety, acquiring a serene home base for your mind and spirit is doable. I can’t wave a magic wand or guarantee that a certain intervention or course of action will free you from these crippling emotions. I acknowledge that there is no single solution and that different individuals derive varying benefits from particular treatments or methods.
Wherever you may be on the spectrum of suffering or improvement with anxiety and fear, I exhort and encourage you to seek, nurture, and habitually return to an inner baseline core of your being where calmness pervades and you know that things are and will be okay. This is the state of serenity. I’m not promoting reassurance, and I know that those who are mightily challenged wave away platitudes and want concrete viable results. Please hear that you are not your fears, worries, appetites, or the host of “conditions” through which your physiology and habits pull you into an alarmed overreactive state. The “real you” is more powerful than these transient states, and you can develop the ability and habit to transcend the emergencies and return “home” where serenity is the restful theme of your soul.
There are medical treatments, spiritual practices, physical disciplines, and cognitive tools. Whatever you find useful, also bear in “mind” that savage emotions are only a part of your human vulnerability. The more time you spend in (and rebound to) a serene inner composure, the less power anxiety and fear will have over you, even though they may annoy you regularly.
Whereas other savage emotions may overstimulate, tempt, bait, and otherwise excite inappropriate or counterproductive responses, sadness and hopelessness tend to defeat body and soul. The low energy, derailed motivation, and neurochemical imbalances that accompany “lowness” can be truly devastating.
Aside from the sorrow and grief that life brings, some people fall prey to overwhelming slumps of mood and outlook that seem insurmountable. When this is the home base of the brain and spirit, all seems pointless and futile. One may find little or no pleasure in life’s routines, responsibilities, or invitations. The feeling of stagnation may be overpowering.
For those who are clinically depressed, professional intervention is certainly warranted. You wouldn’t ignore a suspicious lump or significant fever; similarly, you should seek help for chronic or persistent low mood.
There is also a response to the downtrodden and discouraged that should be sought and offered. That is the practice and support of encouragement.
Encouragement is woven into the fabric of human learning and interaction in the ways people help and teach each other and the behavioral mechanics of learning and progress. Nurturing, spiritual leadership, fellowship and mentoring, coaching and counseling all incorporate encouragement to lead people forward. Rewards may come in the form of praise, feedback, recognition, or behavioral shaping. To get out of the doldrums, to be encouraged, a person needs to see some light at the end of the tunnel: hope and expectation that there will be an accessible better and rewarding outcome.
We are all small and relatively insignificant in the larger scheme of things. Who knows what meaning is ultimately worth it? Gandhi said, “It doesn’t matter what you do—but it’s very important that you do it!”
There are works to do, people to care for, pleasures to be enjoyed, and judgments to be rendered. Encouragement is the fuel that keeps things going. When all seems for naught, hope and encouragement come to the rescue. Seek it, offer it, and practice it.
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
Part of Dr. Steinberg’s trauma treatment resources.
