Being a parent is a formidable responsibility, full of challenges and interspersed with frustration and joy. In raising children, parents grow in many ways, usually attaining more maturity. The duties of caring for dependents demands responsibility. Raising children can also be very rewarding, despite the inevitable obstacles and hardships. Though there is little consensus regarding parenting styles, many parents would agree on some common challenges and frustrations:
Children can be . . .
Let’s not overlook the tremendous joy and satisfaction that often accrues in the process of childrearing. We can feel the pride (in the positive sense) of producing a “chip off the old block.” Watching a child gradually develop skills, become more independent, and experiencing achievement and happiness is among life’s greatest satisfactions. Parenting necessitates developing our own skills, responsibility, and maturation of attitudes and capacity to sacrifice. Children are a gift and a blessing! Those of us who have the privilege of parenting are typically thankful, even when the toil sometimes continues and trauma and heartbreak may arise. I can say without reservation that raising children ranks among my most significant accomplishments. In the mirror of parenting, I see growth in life stages, miraculous and bittersweet.
In the process, as the old Germanic saying goes, “Children grow up, and parents grow old.”
Individual differences in children, parents, genetics, and circumstances combine with the varying successes, failures, and satisfactions in parenting. Many parents are very proud of their children and beam over time as their kids become independent and achieve milestones. Others are frustrated by misbehaving kids, siblings who don’t get along or harbor jealousy, those who may get into serious trouble, and so forth. Some have tragic accidents and traumas. Family dysfunction abounds.
Many parents are unfortunately limited by their own personal issues, distractions, or lack of skills. Some children have medical or developmental disabilities that sway the course and experiences of families.
Before you know it, children have become adults. The work of parents is arduous, time for themselves is greatly impacted, responsibilities seem unending, but then . . . where did the time go?
Some, in their twenties, thirties, and older, have still failed to launch, remaining dependent upon parents financially and/or emotionally, perhaps still living at home. And grandchildren—usually a joy—can be a mixed blessing as well. Sometimes the gratification of being a grandparent is complicated by continuing to raise the grandchild—either as extended family (i.e., when the adult child, now a parent, is divorced, busy with work, or limited in capability). Occasionally, grandparents must step in when an adult child becomes ill, addicted, abusive, or imprisoned.
We cannot rewrite history or change what happened with our children, nor can we take back what we did to contribute to those outcomes. We can, however, revisit and revise our relationship with a grown child. Developing a different relationship with an adult child is necessary and appropriate. Many people have trouble breaking away from unhealthy emotional dependence on their parents, and this affects the adult child’s functioning and their relationship with members of the family of origin.
Many adults continue childhood ways of relating to their parents, thus acting out what psychologists call arrested development. Parents may habitually treat their grown children with less regard for their autonomy than warranted by virtue of their age and maturity. Even when the adult child is more, or less, mature, previous patterns of “babying” a child can instill or continue resentments and conflicts.
Becoming a successful second-chance parent is a process of learning to treat your grown child as an adult, regardless of whether they conform to your expectations or accede to your wishes. This process allows and encourages your adult child’s independence and responsibility, as well as developing your own capacity to “let go,” accept your child (if not always their manner or conduct), and to recognize and embrace your emerging identity as a parent who has fulfilled your role in childrearing.
You will never stop being a parent. Chronological precedence means you have encountered many life situations and biological developments that your child had not yet encountered or addressed. You are therefore entitled to respect, honor, and esteem—even with and despite your mistakes.
Parents are providers, protectors, teachers, and models—albeit the range of competence and fulfillment is wide. Engaging as a second-chance parent means you get to do some of this again (even in family situations where your duty and presence may never have abated). It may be that, regardless of age, expectations, and propriety, the child as an adult is still very much dependent.
As children mature in age, even as they may resist control and limits, the world requires them to step up and be accountable. You wish you could protect them, but eventually that’s not possible. They yearn to do things themselves, even when their abilities and judgments are dubious.
You must yield and trust, though you may anticipate (with good reason) almost certain mistakes, some of which could be devastating. Your children must make their own way, and this is hard for them and for you.
Things are different as they grow into adulthood; your perspective and attitude must catch up. Life forces these issues. Your adult child has biologically matured. Their brain is different, more adept at figuring things out and dealing with consequences. They cut their teeth on experiences, life lessons, adversity, and coming to understand themselves. You watch with a mixture of pride, tension, apprehension, and a ready spring-load of admonitions and advice.
Their interests have changed, and their availability has become modified. Sometimes this will be welcome—as in when they seek your advice or company. But often, they want to do their own thing, relegating you to less relevance in their sphere of influence and activities. If only they could know what you know!
Alas, this is the nature of letting them live their own lives.
Given the bittersweetness of children growing through adulthood, what does second- chance parenting mean, how does it work, and what is possible?
A second chance at parenting means you get to do certain things again, albeit with different circumstances and limits. You can revisit and engage your role as provider, protector, teacher, and model. This, of course, must happen differently with adult children—but the prospects are numerous and the rewards are outstanding. Consider second-chance parenting in terms of three descriptors:
As your child emerges into adulthood, they will face the many challenges and decisions to chart their course. Handling money, navigating relationships, forming and controlling habits and self-care, carving an economic niche, perhaps bearing and raising children—these are among the privileges and perils of adult life.
Your child may look to you for guidance and may copy (consciously or otherwise) what they’ve seen you do. They may ask for advice or quietly accept what you have to offer. By the time your child is an adult, the maxim of “Do as I say, not as I do” will not suffice. However, they are different as adults—tempered at least somewhat by life’s roughness and intransigence, perplexed by the complications that situations throw at them, and struggling to keep up with increasing responsibilities. All of this increases the likelihood that they will listen to you as never before.
Thus, opportunities emerge for your input and guidance. Your being there for support (which often features just listening to them) can be invaluable. And they may solicit your advice and tap into your knowledge and experience as they encounter new obstacles.
These opportunities will bear fruit insofar as trust is engaged between you and your child. Past traumas, resentments, and fiascos need to be resolved in order for trust to underpin and foster new opportunities for you to provide guidance and support.
As an adult, your child is likely to be more receptive to your advice, particularly when it helps them solve imminent problems. In light of their increased maturity, what you say may make more sense to them. You may be doubtful, since you have offered advice and tried to convince them previously when they weren’t ready. But age may increase their receptiveness and willingness, as long as you avoid the “I told you so” manner. An admonition children never want to hear is, “You’ll find out.”
A valuable opportunity for second-chance parenting is that of acknowledging past mistakes in dealing with children. I am not suggesting dredging up the past out of guilt or becoming defeated by blaming your children. (Yes, you may have been guilty and caused damage; however, it’s up to your adult child to overcome on their own terms, get rid of the blame, and move on with their own terms. This includes self-responsibility and accountability as well as forgiveness.)
Admitting our mistakes, asking for forgiveness, confessing imperfections, and acknowledging the possible harmful impact of past behavior can be remarkably humbling and liberating. It is groundwork for letting your offspring see and accept you as fallible, and then revise their (more realistic) understanding of you as a person.
In my practice, I’ve had many parents confide their shame and remorse over past failures and misbehaviors, and I’ve guided them in the difficult but usually helpful process of making amends.
If you’ve struggled with addictions, perhaps been abusive or guilty of other misdeeds, look for opportunities to acknowledge, apologize, and profess new commitment. Have the courage and allow your child to do their part in revising the relationship.
You’ve likely given your child many second chances over the years. Reach out and accept your turn in this process of newer parenting.
If you are open to the idea that, as an adult, your child may be more solicitous and receptive, you’ll be motivated to try again. The person who rejected you and your intentions has shed the chrysalis of yesteryear and has emerged into a new atmosphere filled with novel excitement, rewards, demands, and dangers. They need your assistance and are probably more ready to accept, even welcome it. Use diplomacy, but don’t be sheepish. You’ll be surprised at the new respect you’ve been wanting for years. Timing plays a big role.
As you engage your adult child, offer a little bit at a time. Look to fill their need and give them time and space to absorb your information and try it out. Express interest in their needs, joys, and dilemmas; and ask afterward how things worked out and what they’ve learned.
Either in response to their direct inquiries or when the circumstance calls for it, be willing to share some of your own past experiences that connect with or bear similarities to what they are going through. After all, though generations and societal norms evolve, life confronts us with many similar challenges.
Many years ago, a father told me that he learned from his son to sweat with him. This father meant it literally and figuratively. The literal part involved sports and building things. The figurative meaning was that the father could make efforts to experience his son’s anguish, at least sympathetically and vicariously. Good advice, indeed!
Young children want parents to join them in games, both actual and pretending. The ubiquitous video game compulsion is both isolating and can be a huge turn-off for some older parents. However, parents can gain a lot of mileage and connection with kids by watching or joining in this hobby just a bit. Practice making yourself welcome in your child’s world. Similarly, your young adult is a relative novice at activities you take for granted and have likely become more familiar with: partner and spousal conflicts, job interviews, meeting teacher or mentor requirements, dealing with uncooperative people, accommodating rejection, maintain vehicles and property, dealing with authorities and government, taxes, etc.
Where possible and appropriate, get to know your child’s friends and especially their love interests. Though they may not welcome your immediate input, you can obtain information and character assessment for future advising.
I remember fondly many episodes and periods in bringing up my children that were poignant and made me feel empowered and humbled. Helping my sons select clothes, giving fashion advice (like the time I had to gently notify my son that you don’t wear a tie around the soft collar of a golf polo shirt!), and listening to my teenage daughter’s instructions on taking her to the home of one of her first dates were eye-opening experiences in the ongoing value and comedy of being a parent.
During the childrearing and developmental years, you are not your child’s friend. You are their parent: authority, respect, leadership, fidelity, and trust are paramount. If you are wise and successful, your child will want to be around you when they grow up. That is the time to become grownup friends. When they were young, you took them to games, social excursions, and entertainment events. Now that they are adults, let them take you. Go to a concert, sporting event, or get together, even if you don’t like the music, sport, or people. Be cordial and try to be genuinely enthusiastic. Forestall the image of becoming an “old fogey.”
Continue to model healthy and moral lifestyle habits, and stay the course. Young adults think and act as if they’re invincible (Remember your youth?), and they will behave without proper regard to future consequences. They have to encounter the aches, pains, and changing metabolism that occur inevitably later. Foolishness and impulsivity need not be lifelong. Wait and be prepared. Pray and be patient. God is looking after them in ways you cannot. Bear in mind the Parable of the Lost Son (Luke 15).
When you have done the difficult work of parenting, the die is not entirely cast. Adult children need you, and you need them—hopefully, not through emotional neediness or economic desperation, but because you can experience the unfolding delights and satisfactions of aging, each at your own level.
Taking another turn at parenting when your child is grown affords your child continuing the love and support, guidance, and wisdom they certainly need. Second-chance parenting provides you with opportunities to reap the benefits of your efforts and caring, as well as to offer again your love and experience to someone who may be more ready to accept it.
Your child may need money, advice, babysitting, or renewed warning. Be there and be ready. They may not have worked out the way you wanted. You did your best at the time, given your limitations and circumstances. Let go and let them desatellize (break away from your gravitational orbit). This means developmentally to allow and encourage the child to chart their own course and detach from overly needing or revolving around you.
Here’s something else that’s in it for you: recognize and allow your adult child to see you as a person, independent of their needs and fantasies. You have faults, but not deserving of their excoriating criticism and lack of forgiveness. You had wishes, desires, and dreams, only some of which brought realization or fulfillment. You have regrets, many of them; but among them should not be raising and loving your child. As you travel forward together making shared history, maintain your family bonding with acceptance and forgiveness. Take comfort in the knowledge that your adult child has to reconcile their expectations of you and see you for who you are.
Regardless of how long you live, your “last hurrah” is likely to savor a mature perspective that your adult child, through maturity, understands your fallibility, yet appreciates how much you cared, how often you tried, and how wonderful you are.
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
