“You are not the same person I married!”
Have you ever heard this from your partner? Ever said it or thought it? If you have been married for a long time, it’s likely that this refrain has occurred, perhaps with great consternation. What happened to the passion, the excitement, the interest? You remember it wistfully, the distant, idyllic, seemingly irretrievable past when your partner enthralled you and you were so attractive to them.
Things do change over time: we develop, needs change, and committed loving partners drift apart. Some couples manage to stay devoted to (as well as put up with) each other for decades. They preserve something special indeed. Many couples simply hang on, enjoying what they can, and often tolerating each other for a variety of practical or emotional dependencies, despite the frustration and lack of rewards.
Though we don’t expect the passion of infatuation and youth to last, it’s nonetheless disappointing to experience the waning of interest and mounting grievances and aggravations that characterize so many long-term relationships.
Within the safety of committed relationships people can “let themselves go” in personal habits and appearance. As well, aging mars external beauty, try as we might to counteract it. This is our biological nature, though it need not saturate and debilitate the roots of enduring emotional attachment and gratification with a well-known spouse.
Occurrences of illness, traumas, and other misfortunes change people. Your spouse may be “not be the same as when you married,” and yet still be the unmitigated core person you fell in love with and committed to years ago. When you are fulfilled in a relationship, you desire engagement with your spouse, you feel enthralled when you’re engaged, and you find satisfaction after engagement. Let’s take a close look at this dynamic:
Engagement as it relates to marriage is a state of being in which you are connected with and attentive to another person. When you desire engagement, you anticipate and seek involvement with your spouse. The expectation of fulfilling experience heightens the desire for and orientation toward your spouse and may manifest in a wide spectrum of diverse activities.
• Feeling enthrallment duringParticipating in activities and interactions with your spouse is infinitely more rewarding when you’re madly in love. This enhancement affects verbal interactions, shared goals, and duties having to do with the household or child-rearing, as well as physical intimacy between you and your spouse. To feel enthralled, you must feel good about being involved.
• Finding satisfaction afterSatisfaction means that you find reward, fulfillment, or some kind of payoff for your efforts and involvement. It doesn’t mean you necessarily get your way or that disagreements are resolved or that your spouse behaves exactly the way you want. Rather, it means that you are habitually able to feel good about how you interpreted and responded to what happened. This involves healthy esteem for you and your partner.
As you read these points, you may have a wide range of reactions that include:
“You don’t know my spouse!”
“Oh, how I’ve tried for years…”
“What if my partner isn’t willing…?”
“What about cheating, lying, …?”
“My spouse is irresponsible, alcoholic, abusive, …”
Marry and with luck
It may go well.
But when a marriage fails
Those who marry live at home in hell.
What are the reasons for relationship decay and what can be done to re-invigorate the attraction and rewards that once elated you? Let’s examine how love erodes. Here is a brief summary of a natural process called reinforcement erosion. More detail and lots of other information is available in my book, Staying Madly in Love With Your Spouse; Guide to a Happier Marriage.
Reinforcement of Infatuation and Admiration
Like most human activities, love is a habit. That is, the continuation and practice of what we experience as love is composed of a compendium of feelings, thoughts, chemistry, and actions that involve another “special” person.
The beginning of a love relationship is transformational, and the associated feelings evolve in a nonlinear manner.Suddenly, there is a flood of warm and arousing emotions, a gushing of internal chemicals and excitement that easily and continually ignites. It seems almost magical, the way this attraction takes off and carries hearts on the wings of hope and ecstasy.
The experience of infatuation and its associated thought and behavior patterns becomes literally habit-forming. Propelled by nature and its biological roots, the good feelings, thoughts, physical attraction, and attention that each partner devotes become strengthened through repetition and practice. At the beginning, this is easy to do without much conscious effort because it feels good and seems to come naturally. You notice the lovely things about your partner. He or she lavishes attention and affection upon you.There is physical chemistry strengthening the attraction. You feel alive and capable, energized and optimistic about giving and receiving.You’re flattered and ego-strengthened by the limelight and adoration of your beloved.
In turn, you notice your partner’s subtlest behaviors, and you pay attention to them, highlighting what pleases you. The reciprocal attention you give and receive strengthens the likelihood that such behaviors will reoccur with frequency. This process is known as reinforcement. In behavioral psychology, we say that a behavior (conscious or otherwise) has been reinforced when it maintains or increases in frequency, intensity, or duration.
During the infatuation stage of a relationship, reinforcement of attentive and pleasing behaviors is constant. If it weren’t, the relationship wouldn’t progress. Specifically, if your partner were regularly annoyed, criticized, or rejected by you, the pleasurable bond would be dampened and stymied. This knife obviously cuts both ways.
The reinforcement (or strengthening) of behaviors in the interaction between partners grows gradually in a process known as incremental shaping. When you shape a behavior, you build it into a habit gradually, incrementally, and often without noticing. We all shape our behaviors, consciously or not, both those that are desirable and those that are undesirable. We can see this same shaping phenomenon also operating when we’re teaching a dog to sit, give his paw, and then progress to more complex commands. The building blocks are carefully stacked one upon the other, and—voila—you have a well-trained dog.Sometimes these building blocks take the shape of positive, self-affirming behavior, and sometimes negative, self-destructive behavior. The same shaping principles are also applicable in other venues. When you exercise regularly, talk by phone with your parent or your kids, eat desserts, drink alcohol, or take drugs, you are incrementally strengthening the likelihood that that you’ll engage in the behavior again. This is true regardless of whether the behavior is beneficial or desirable or whether it is counterproductive or undesirable.
Strengthening the Bond
When you fell in love, you and your beloved engaged in constant reinforcement of each other’s behaviors—the ones that drew you together. You actually shaped each other’s attentive and pleasing behaviors. Yes, much of it is hormonal and chemical, but that is true for other habits, too.It was a heady time, and you became hooked on loving the other person. This as it should be.After all, romance is enticing and delicious!
Nature brings other processes to bear in order to make relationships enduring and strong. Just as your nervous system can spring into action when the demand is urgent or critical, you soon discover that you cannot sustain the high-alert stage for too long, because maintaining this level of arousal would ultimately prove unhealthy. In the same way, nature has created methods for transitioning the continual reinforcement shaping schedule to a less frequent but more enduring pattern. This is known as an intermittent reinforcement schedule. This pattern of reinforcement occurs sporadically and is useful to maintain enduring behaviors.
Don’t be put off by the preceding technical model that is used explain ardor.It is simply an efficient and scientific way to describe and predict how behaviors increase and form habits.Though behavioral science may not seem particularly romantic, it is an underpinning for the good feelings, partnership, and commitment that necessarily preceded and supported your marriage.
Reinforcement Erosion
Extinction is a behavioral term that defines the reduction of a behavior to the point of elimination.When behaviors are no longer reinforced, we say that they have been extinguished to the level of extinction (they no longer occur). By depriving or diminishing reinforcement of a behavior, nature (or man) erodes the reinforcement.
On a continuous reinforcement schedule, reinforcement erosion occurs rapidly because the behavior is conditioned by reinforcement every time it occurs. If you put money into a machine but did not get your product, how many more times would you put money into that same machine?Similarly, unrequited romantic overtures during nascent relationships will quickly erode and extinguish interest and effort.
But most established behaviors are maintained on intermittent reinforcement schedules. Such schedules have evolved over long periods of time, and they can be quite resistant to extinction—that is, they can endure prolonged “droughts,” only to be revived and strengthened by infrequent reinforcement.
For instance, seasoned athletes can weather “slumps” of diminished performance without quitting; they are familiar with these downturns and they expect to break out of them. Veteran sales and business people (and writers) experience lots of rejection, yet they persist due to familiarity with the cycle of long and unpredictable gaps between motivating reinforcements.
How does this apply to love and passion?
As described earlier, the initial stages of a relationship are characterized by high rates of continuous reinforcement. This excitement and “learning” develop the bond. Gradually, the attraction and the patterns of relating make transitions to intermittent reinforcement. As you grow more secure in the relationship—with marriage culminating the commitment and security—you are reinforced with less frequent occurrences of praise, attention, validation, and even sex.
What starts out as hot, passionate, continuous reinforcement erodes over time. This is natural, and it doesn’t have to damage the relationship or make love insipid or boring. However, what happens too often in marriages is that the initial passion erodes without being transitioned to more enduring intermittent schedules that maintain the flames.
To make matters worse, other behaviors evolve surreptitiously and inadvertently to intermittent reinforcement schedules within the relationship. These are the behaviors that partners find unnerving and objectionable in each other. I call these stealth behaviors. They are the habits and characteristic in your spouse that you deplore.Some examples are:
From this list of these common gripes, you may select your own particular annoyances.
Because these annoying and disruptive stealth behaviors evolve in the same manner as the attraction behaviors, they become stronger through the process of intermittent reinforcement. Soon they are hard to ignore; you try to downplay them and may do so for awhile, but then your coping mechanisms are overwhelmed and you react to the stealth behaviors, and the reinforcement cycle strengthens.
Here’s the clincher: in most relationships, the attraction/pleasing behaviors and the stealth behaviors compete with each other. When you pay attention to a behavior, it tends to strengthen and reoccur. Because annoying behaviors are hard to ignore, we tend to notice and react to them.This not only strengthens them (even if we don’t mean to), but it also contributes to the reinforcement erosion of the attraction/pleasing behaviors.
Isn’t it difficult to focus on your spouse’s pleasing characteristics when you’re miffed by the careless, selfish, inconsiderate behaviors?
Over time, your spouse’s objectionable behaviors will tend to encroach and assume a tenured place in your mind and heart.You can blame it on science, nature, and reinforcement schedules, because they are objective and don’t care.
In order to counteract the cycle of reinforcement erosion of passion and its replacement by strengthened habits of attending and reinforcing the behaviors that are inimical to passion and intimacy, you must learn and practice some techniques that will enable you to override the corroding influences of habits in relationships left unmanaged.
There are many variations on themes underlying the diminution of health, attraction, and closeness in marriage relationships. They all conform to the basic structure of reinforcement erosion (of loving behaviors) and replacement by intermittent reinforcement of divisive behaviors.
Yet little is more insidious and relentless than the phenomenon of boredom—it is the silent killer of passion and the frequent foe of staying madly in love with your spouse. (Please read Staying Madly in Love With Your Spouse; Guide to a Happier Marriage for more details and suggestions.)
It is often the case that marriages and partnerships form at certain stages of each person’s life when particular needs are paramount. Finding someone compatible to meet those needs and enjoy life with is very gratifying and is high on the list of motivation for those wanting such a relationship. However, the foundations of character tend to endure. Over time, the character flaws that you might not have seen or perhaps had minimized or overlooked assume a more prominent role in relationship dissatisfaction and work to drive people apart.
There is no quick fix to the impact of problematic character issues. Though we are all prone to self-absorption, stubbornness, and selfishness, some people have rigid character flaws that hamper sanguine and healthy relationships to a dysfunctional degree. Such rigid flaws amplify the effects as partners and the relationship age and as the erosion by other life events accumulates.
The problematic character flaws that formerly lay stealth or minor can take center stage and cause major rifts.
If your partner happens to suffer significant trauma or cause you significant trauma, this drives a wedge that can seem insurmountable. How could my beloved do this to me? Trust henceforth becomes a major obstacle; its restoration takes much effort and time. It can be restored with commitment, forgiveness, and the re-establishment of conditions and rules.
Conventional wisdom warns against living in the past. Most of us remember and “rewrite” history such that we color and exaggerate memories of the good as better and the bad as worse than they were at the times we actually lived through them. Therefore, we are admonished not to live in the idyllic past.
Recalling the past, however, may be helpful in aiding you to remember, confirm, and re-establish what attracted and bound you to your partner. Even though they (and you) have changed, embracing the more rewarding past (without over embellishment) can assist in motivation and putting some focus on the characteristics that drew you to this person originally. Chances are that those good and redeeming parts are still there, capable of being revived to build upon in restoring attraction.
Past positive associations and connections can form the substrate for shaping newer adaptive behaviors and strategies for satisfying connections between the “evolved” beings each of you has become.
The pillars described above—desiring engagement before, feeling enthrallment during, and finding satisfaction after—may not be as sustainable or intense as they once were. But it may be worth a try.
When love has changed over time (as it will) from the magical and absorbing infatuation, you have choices about how you will respond. Here are the options:
As noted above, remembering and highlighting what previously attracted you to your partner could re-ignite some of the flame. Admittedly, this may be hard to summon. Even if pleasant memories are in the distant past, revisiting (and talking about) the connections, good times, and pleasure can stimulate what you value in your partner’s core character. The fact that your partner remains with you shows evidence of some devotion, consistency and perhaps hope. Maybe the terms of the relationship have changed, yet you can take satisfaction in what you do for each other lately—perhaps exchanging dependencies, family responsibilities, chores, financial support, and other behaviors.
Let’s face it: the ardor and sexual excitement at the start of a relationship (and especially in youth) diminishes over time. Age is a big factor, as are the impacts of health, circumstances, conflicts, traumas, and fluctuations in individual desire and drive. Many couples remain sexually active for decades, even into their senior years. For many others, physical intimacy dwindles. Sexual frequency typically becomes less frequent. Discomfort
or dysfunction may detract from the sexual experience, thereby relegating sex to seldom or inactive. Usually, one partner retains more desire or drive, but without reciprocation that’s enough to negatively color or halt sex. Sex may also become routine or boring as reinforcement erosion seeps into that arena.
While this may be a frustration, long-term relationships are built and maintained on many levels besides sex. This is not to dismiss the role of physical intimacy as rewarding (more for some than others); but couples can enjoy each other greatly even with little or no sex. It may not be what you want, but nature and development often have their way.
In the manner of physical intimacy, previous satisfaction through intercourse or other consummation can be substituted by other forms of touch, physical closeness, and gratification.
Some couples enjoy continual lust for each other for many years. Percentage-wise, they are the exception. For most, the prominence, intensity, and frequency of sex diminishes as the partners and the relationship age.
Beyond the honeymoon and infatuation phases of a relationship, each partner must learn to adapt and adjust to habits, quirks, and limitations that previously may not have been issues. No one is without faults; we have tendencies to notice and magnify a partner’s shortcomings as time passes. Habits and idiosyncrasies that once were accepted or endearing can become real annoyances.
One way to counteract the detraction of irritations and/or diminished desire is to highlight and emphasize aspects of the relationship that work well and are rewarding. For instance, couples may disagree or bicker about sex, but may be aligned in their childrearing attitudes and practices. Or they may argue about money, but enjoy leisure activities, hobbies, and sex. Perhaps they share a spiritual commitment and practice.
You may not enjoy in common the activities you once did; but it’s possible to focus upon and reinforce activities, values, and practices that continue to make the partnership worthwhile.
When disappointment and unmet expectations become more salient, there’s usually an
elevated criticism, sarcasm, or increased avoidance. Take notice of these in yourself, and work to inhibit and counteract these unhelpful natural responses. Look for some good in your partner that you can reinforce and shape, thereby building a habit of more positive interaction. Regular comments of appreciation and acknowledgment of even small gestures are powerful, even if they seem contrived at first.
“Thanks for doing the dishes.”
“I appreciate your offering me some food.”
“I’m glad that you keep the bathroom clean. My friend always complains that his partner leaves a mess.”
When your partner complains or criticizes, ignore it! If you must respond, just acknowledge that you heard the complaint and perhaps that you will try to do better. It’s not easy, but when you deter the reinforcement of arguments and conflicts, it gets easier, and you will feel better about yourself.
Rather than insisting upon major shifts in your partner’s behavior (that you know are unlikely to happen but instead will provoke pushback and resentment), go for small concessions, offering the incentive of what these will do to modify your behavior.
“If you would tell me what you would specifically like from me instead of criticizing me or what I did, I’d be much more likely to comply with what you want.”
“When you comment on something I did well or something you appreciate about me, I’m much more inclined to do things to please you.”
“How about if after I vacuum, you rub my back for a few minutes?”
“If you refrain from raising your voice and communicate without blaming me, I will listen to you much better.”
“I do want to please you. However, nothing I do seems good enough. Please describe to me specifically some small thing I could do that would please you.”
Though these examples my not suffice or fit your situation, they are models of how you can lower the bar to improve the probability of some positive movement.
When you are past the stage of “I’ll do anything to please you,” you must lower the bar on your standards for the expectations of your partner. Note that this doesn’t mean compromising your values or your own standards; rather it requires a realistic adjustment of the outcomes you anticipate base upon recent or compounded experience. This allows you to desist from overreacting and exacerbating conflicts and resentment. You can strive for better outcomes and small improvements gradually, but taking the disappointments in stride will be easier and less stressful when what happens is more in line with what is predictable. Note that accepting reality is also compatible with working strategically to modify what you give and get from the relationship.
The obvious important corollary to love erosion and disappointment is to heal yourself. Life is full of traumas, tragedies, and routine disappointments, love degradation or rejection being among the most painful. None of us is impervious to pain. Few manage to sustain long-term love relationships that keep up the passion, hopes, and rewards we started out with. Yet we can manage better emotionally, make wiser decisions, and act with greater integrity and honor—be our better selves—as we learn and practice more compassionate and mature responses to disappointment and mistreatment. Of course, this is not new. I remind you that even in the throes of anguish and disheartenment, you can thrive and feel good about yourself and how you relate, even if your partner does not join or match your efforts.
Managing your stress consistently, healing your traumas, and learning to not react or overreact to triggers will significantly evolve the better you and enable you to cope more sanguinely when love changes or decays.
At some point, you (or your partner) may decide it’s not worth it. One of you chooses to leave. Despite the cultural and personal commitments to preserve marriage, there are times to separate. This is not done lightly, and there are emotional, financial, and lifestyle consequences.
The person you are living with may become so different from whom you married that the distortions are no longer tolerable or safe. Your threshold for intolerance is a personal matter, though others—who don’t walk in your shoes—may judge you.
Sometimes love for your partner changes to the point where you conclude that circumstances, commitment, and feelings, cannot be satisfactorily regenerated.
If that threshold is reached, hopefully you can avoid hostility or vengeance and instead package the past you enjoyed with this person in your history of previous joy, learning, and your own evolution.
And let’s not forget that love can change when a partner dies. It happens all the time.
Indeed, love changes over time. Though the focus here has been on marriage and partner relationships, these dynamics hold true for parents, children, and valued friends.
Whatever path or strategy we use to cope with the ways love changes or fades, we must accept how the passage of time evolves us through our experiences, efforts, and the relationships in which we invest. The scars and sorrows we endure are rings on the tree of aging, testimony to how living beings grow and the changes we weather.
Life brings fresh and beautiful newness, but also life brings inevitable loss along the way. Until we lose our own physical life, we endure the loss of other people, passing circumstances, and the highs and joys we remember and are tempted to cling to and try to preserve. Idyllic memories are recalled, but not resuscitated. Mature love is more about the ability to love and the flexibility to adapt than about catering to our needs.
The really good news about love is that its generation, magnitude, and resilience doesn’t depend on the other person. The object of our love may not respond in kind, may cease in presence or intensity, or may convert to rejection or animosity. Of course, this hurts terribly. Try as we might, the pain will pierce; for love is an investment that’s risky and vulnerable.
Even when love changes from what we had or want it to be, we can follow the path that God models for us, seeking to imitate and replicate his unconditional love in our attitudes and actions toward others.
This is classically portrayed by the apostle Paul’s description in I Corinthians 13:4-7:
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love may not be the same as it was; but it can evolve to new plateaus of maturity, generosity, and satisfaction.
— Mark Steinberg, PhD
